Meanest Story nominee: Hollywood weight battles!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 Dec. 2011 

The Enquirer has a grab bag story of female celebrities struggling with their weight. Here are the headlines.

    Oprah 280 lbs.
    Boozing and Binge Eating
    Talk queen ordered "Diet or Die!"

    Demi Moore 90 lbs.
    Dramatic intervention to get her to eat

    Ricki Lake 140 libs.
    Too fat for wedding dress
    Desperate to lose 20 lbs.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

All the Kim'N'Kris noise for the week.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Star

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! I do hope that Kim Kardashian's star is fading, but I'm not silly enough to expect she would vanish from the gossip rags overnight.  There are four stories about her this week, one which ignores her estranged husband and will be reported separately.  Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Kim to Kris: Stop calling me fat!
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim alone for the holidays
• Star: Kim's bombshell: Kris is gay!
  Secret behind marriage disaster
  He wouldn't touch her after the honeymoon
  what Khloe saw
  NOW Kris vows to DESTROY the Kardashians

Meanest story nominee: 271 lb. Chaz Bono collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

All in all, it's not a very mean week in the supermarket rags.  The low rent Examiner wasn't delivered in Oakland yet and the Globe eats up the majority of the cover with a "Where Are They Now?" story without any dire predictions of anyone dying. The meanest story in the consistently mean Enquirer has the following headlines, listed as "Exclusive breaking news!"

• 271 lb. Chaz colapses! 
• Friends race to save him

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Damn you skinny (or fat) alert: What the stars really weigh.

Publication: Star

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

Star says they know what celebrities really weigh.  On the cover, Britney Spears is listed at 132 lbs., Gabourney Sibide at 269 lbs. and a picture of Jennifer Lopez with a promise to tell her weight inside the magazine. As usual, I don't open the magazine to find out the answer to a guessing game.

 

Damn You Fat Alert™: Kirstie Alley packs the pounds back on.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Longtime readers will know that there is no class of people the Enquirer hates more than fat Scientologists.  After her stint on Dancing With The Stars made her thinner, the Enquirer tells us she's porking out again, gaining 25 pounds in nine weeks, eating 4,500 calories a day.

As a fat person, those are disheartening numbers.  I've never gained weight that fast and 4,500 calories is a crazy number.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kelly calls Christina fat!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

When we get a headline like "Kelly calls Christina fat!" it helps to have pictures. Too many Kellys and Christina's on the field, don'tcha know.

The Kelly is the rudest Kelly, Kelly Osbourne.

The Christina is Christina Aguilera, who doesn't currently look as good as this.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst celebrity beach bodies October 2011.

Publication: Star
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Hugh Jackman! The Aussie movie star gets his first mention on the cover of any American gossip rag this decade on a best and worst beach body story. Not surprisingly, the 43 year old gets on the best list. We can also welcome to gossip hell Julie Bowen and Pierce Brosnan, who don't get such nice treatment.

The good.

• Hugh Jackman
• Gwyneth Paltrow
• Kourtney Kardashian, in a rare positive story about that family right now

The bad.

• Uma Thurman has a little belly
• Pierce Brosnan has a big belly
• Kirsten Dunst has a very visible spinal chord
• Julie Bowen looks wrinkly
• Christina Aguilera is getting heavy
  

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst celebrity diets September 2011.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 September 2011



The Enquirer does sometimes get a story right, but in their hearts they are liars who can't be trusted. This week on the cover, they promise the best and worst celebrity diets, but the pictures on the cover only show people who are very fat or way too skinny. There are a couple of "Guess Who?" pictures, but I don't play that. I will note that in the "Guess Who?", there is a picture of a man with his face covered where you can count his ribs like some survivor from Auschwitz, but all the rest of the people pictured are women.



Here are the too fat people named.

• Miranda Lambert: 158 pounds
• Sabourney Sibide: 400 pounds
  
  

Here are the too skinny people named.

• Lindsay Lohan: scary skinny
• Renee Zellweger: bag of bones
• Christie Brinkley: 107 lbs.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst winter beach bodies for early August 2011.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

Yet another bach body cover story from an AMI publication, usually the Enquirer or the Star. Ignoring the "Guess who?" pictures which are always unflattering, there are three women considered too fat and three others who are deemed to look good.

The fat:

• Catherine Bach
• Fantasia Barrino from American False Idol
• Neve Campbell

The ones who aren't fat:

• Hillary Swank
• Megan Fox
• Julianne Hough from Dancing With The Stars

Just to rub it in a little, the Enquirer promises to tell you which of the people who look good have had plastic surgery.

Meanest story nominee: Oprah's heart attack drama.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 July 2011

Oprah Winfrey is just a story or two away from breaking into the top ten for most cover appearances, almost all of them on the Three Wicked Step Sisters, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner. This week, it's the Flagship taking pot shots at her, saying she now weighs 271 pounds and she underwent a secret four hour surgery to save her life.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst winter beach bodies for early July 2011.

Publication: Star

Date: 11 July 2011



Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!



Star has yet another grab bag of women in swimsuits on the cover, some looking good, some not so good. Ignoring the "guess who?" pictures, here's the list.



They found a flattering picture of Kim Kardashian in a bikini. This is not that difficult.



They welcomed Christina Hendricks to gossip hell with a swimsuit picture that makes the Mad Men star look not only top heavy (d'uh!) but heavy as well.



Others in swimsuits include Ke$ha, Coco and Cameron Diaz.



They speculate on enboobenings on ex-Spice Girl Geri Haliwell and Vienna Girardi from The Bachelor.

Damn You Fat Alert™:Kirstie Alley packs on the pounds.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

The Enquirer never gets tired of mocking Kirstie Alley for her weight. This week, they say she has an eating disorder and claim she has gained 12 pounds since losing on Dancing With The Stars.

On the rocks alert: Clinton marriage crisis

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

There was a time when the Clinton marriage was prime tabloid fodder, but those days are long gone. This is only the second report of a Bill and Hillary Clinton marriage crisis is about a year and a half, and both reports have been in the low rent Examiner. The story says has Hillary packed on 50 lbs. after Bill threatened divorce.

Stay classy, low rent Examiner.

Damn You Fat Alert™: Jessica Simpson drunk and crying over her weight.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 30 May 2011

Two very different stories about Jessica Simpson in the tabs this week. Star says she's upset over her weight, and gets drunk and weepy about it.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst winter beach bodies for early May 2011.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

The Flagship has been doing a lot of beach body covers recently, and while they call them best and worst, most of the cover pictures tend to the worst. The only exception this time around is a flattering picture of Serena Williams that shows off her remarkable butt, if you like that sort of thing. There is a "Guess Who?" of some actress who is enormously fat, but I didn't open the magazine up to find out who. Most of the rest are way too skinny. Here are the headlines.

• Steve Tyler - dude looks like a lady
• Serena Williams - buns of steel
• Kathy Griffin - needs a burger and a tan
• Taylor Armstrong - guess which Housewife?
  
  

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Khloe bullied for being fat YET AGAIN.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 9 May 2011

Yet again, Khloe, the Baby Huey of the Kardashian clan, has a cover story about her weight. here are the headlines.

• Khloe tells Us
• Tortured for her weight
• After her mom calls her fat, Khloe opens us about her lifelong struggle and how Lamar makes her feel sexy

While this may not seem relevant to the Kardashian family, Khloe is the only daughter who is actually married and whose male companion does not seem like a complete douchebag.

This puts her a few points ahead of her petite but huge hootered sisters.

Damn You Fat Alert™: O.J. Simpson heart attack shocker

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 April 2011

According to The Flagship, O.J. Simpson is depressed in prison and packing on the pounds, up from 225 pounds when he went in to 275 pounds now. As often happens, the Enquirer will embellish a story like this with a phrase like "heart attack" or "dying". There is no evidence that the assumed double murderer and convicted thief has suffered a heart attack as of this writing.

Damn You Fat Alert™: 200 lb. Kirstie Alley collapses backstage at Dancing With The Stars.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 28 March 2011

Get ready for a new spate of Dancing With The Stars stories as the contest begins. This week, the Star tells us that everyone's least favorite fat Scientologist Kirstie Alley collapsed backstage during rehearsals.

I don't watch the show, but I see online that the first episode was last night. The only "stars" in the cast that have previous tabloid appearances are Ms. Alley and Kendra Wilkinson.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™: Best and worst celebrity diets, March 2011

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 March 2011

I'm being a little dishonest using this picture to illustrate the Flagship's most recent foray into good and bad celebrity bodies. This picture is supposed to represent an attractive young woman on a diet that works. The Enquirer is also dishonest in their headline, because there is no "best" on the list this week. Everyone is either too fat, scary skinny of over-exercises.

Too fat: Gabourney Sibide (350 lbs.), Jessica Simpson (packs on 25 pounds)
Too skinny: Tara Reid (bag of bones), Gwyneth Paltrow (about 100 lbs.)
Arms too well defined: Cameron Diaz, Sarah Jessica Parker

This is in keeping with the general concept that the National Enquirer doesn't like anybody.

Demon Rum Alert™ and Damn You Fat Alert™: Binging Christina packs on 40 lbs.

Publications: Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 March 2011

Christina Aguilera is getting more notice in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, and part of it is that there are a couple of different angles of attack on this story. The Star says she's hit rock bottom and is put on 40 lbs. due to binges of food and drink. Weekly Life & Style says she refuses to get help.