Meanest Story nominee: Hollywood weight battles!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 Dec. 2011 

The Enquirer has a grab bag story of female celebrities struggling with their weight. Here are the headlines.

    Oprah 280 lbs.
    Boozing and Binge Eating
    Talk queen ordered "Diet or Die!"

    Demi Moore 90 lbs.
    Dramatic intervention to get her to eat

    Ricki Lake 140 libs.
    Too fat for wedding dress
    Desperate to lose 20 lbs.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Who is Obama's real father?

 Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The Globe goes with a story that cops who are probing Obama (probably that publicity hound Joe Arapaio, though he is not named) are trying to find out who his true father is.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious.  If you watched the first three movies (a.k.a. The Good Ones), you've heard Vader's voice and he is like so obvs black.  And more than that, it's clear that the force is strong in Barack Hussein Skywalker Obama.

Mystery solved!

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: What happened to Kate Gosselin's face?

Publication: In Touch

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Kate Gosselin had 29 cover stories in 2010.  This is her fifth in 2011, a speculation about possible plastic surgery.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: 271 lb. Chaz Bono collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

All in all, it's not a very mean week in the supermarket rags.  The low rent Examiner wasn't delivered in Oakland yet and the Globe eats up the majority of the cover with a "Where Are They Now?" story without any dire predictions of anyone dying. The meanest story in the consistently mean Enquirer has the following headlines, listed as "Exclusive breaking news!"

• 271 lb. Chaz colapses! 
• Friends race to save him

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Kirstie cancer drama!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

If there is anyone new to this blog just stumbling upon this story, you should know that the AMI owned gossip rags hate fat Scientologists in general and Kirstie Alley in particular. More than this, the Flagship, my nickname for the Enquirer, has first dibs on hating her.  Here are this week's headlines.

• Kirstie cancer drama
• Heavy smoking is killing her

This is not the first time Kirstie has been marked for death in the tabloids.  She was given three years to live back in 2009 before this blog started. 

 

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Muhammad Ali has six months to live!

Publication: Globe

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier.  Here are the headlines.

• Muhammad Ali: Six months to live, friends fear
• New tragedy after Joe Frazier dies

 At least the great champ Frazier get some acknowledgment. Best wishes to Ali, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Pregnant Kate collapses!

Publication: Star

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Kate Middleton's pregnancy is not a fact universally acknowledged in the supermarket rags, but the AMI kennel are very keen on the idea that she is with child and it's not going well.  Here are the headlines from the Star.

• Pregnant Kate collapses 
• Exclusive
• Frantic fight to save baby
• Ambulance called after William finds her unconscious on floor
• It happened here (caption on aerial photo)
• Terrifying medical drama at Prince Charles' Scottish retreat

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Herman Cain and a White House intern!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Herman Cain!  Just as the legitimate press is beating him up, in comes a blow from the National Enquirer, saying he had an affair with a White House intern.

I can't tell if they are trying to crush his campaign or make him look presidential. In any case, here are the headlines.

• Sex scandal explodes! 
• Friend tells all

Do you think it's a friend of the intern or a friend of Cain?  Yeah, me too.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: The Secret Life of Barack Obama.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner publishes details from Mondo Frazier's new book The Secret Life of Barack Obama. His blurb on Amazon.com says he works for Andrew Breitbart's Big Journalism and for RadarOnline, which is owned by AMI, the publishers of five of the gossip rags.  It is telling that this story is not on the cover of the flagship Enquirer, but instead relegated to the low rent Examiner.  Here are the headlines.

• New blockbuster book by Mondo Frazier
• Shocking Russian "arrest"
• His strange CIA cover-up
• Sinister Pakistan ties 30 years ago!

Just in case you had some doubts about this story, the quotation marks around the word "arrest" should give you an idea of how serious the charges are.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Chaz Bono has four years to live!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

The Enquirer has published several bad stories about Chaz Bono's health this year and now puts the 42 year old on the Expiration Date list, giving him four years to live.  This is a strangely long time for these kinds of stories.  The longest expiration date before this were two years to live. Among the people who have gotten the "two years to live" treatment are Oprah Winfrey, Rush Limbaugh and Chaz' mom Cher.

Here are the headlines.

• Breaking news! Chaz Bono Only 4 years to live!
• Liver damage agony
• Dancing With The Stars made his health crisis worse

Best wishes to Chaz, his family and friends.  This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Robin Gibb THE END

Publication: Globe

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Robin Gibb.  The 61 year old member of the Bee Gees was recently hospitalized and looks very thin, so the Globe gives him no chance to live for much longer. Here are the headlines.

• Robin Gibb THE END
• Bee Gees tragedy!
• Now 97 lbs!

Best wishes to Robin Gibb, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee: Demi Moore's weight plunges to a life threatening level.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Most weeks, it's the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and low rent Examiner fighting it out for Meanest Story of the Week, but this week three of the allegedly more reputable gossip rags put Demi Moore on the tabloid vulture list, saying her life style could kill her.  These are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Starving to keep her man
  Demi's daughters fear for her life
  95 lbs. and dropping
  500 calories a day
  Taking dangerous diet hormones
  What is she thinking?
• OK!: Starving for attention
  What's behind (Demi's) dangerous weight loss
• In Touch: Demi's deadly diet

These are co-nominees for Meanest Story of the Week.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha and Meanest Story nominee: Buddhism killed Steve Jobs!

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us there is a "Harvard report" that claims Buddhist beliefs killed Steve Jobs.  It's a sign of how well known Jobs was that the low rent Examiner thinks their demographic, which skews older, more Southern and more dense, will know who he is and judge him on his scary non-Christian beliefs.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Larry Hagman fighting deadly disease!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

In March, the low rent Examiner said Larry Hagman had Alzheimer's. Now, the Globe says he is battling a deadly disease. This puts him on the tabloid death watch and makes this count as a Meanest Story of the Week.

Best wishes to Larry Hagman, his family and friends, from a fan of I Dream of Jeannie.

Meanest Story nominee: Johnny Depp's drinking is out of control.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Johnny Depp may be a certified movie star, but he's not a person the tabloids harp upon. There were some stories about him when he made The Tourist last year and got into orbit around the gossip star that is Angelina Jolie, but only the occasional mention other than that. This week, the Enquirer goes with a story that he is a mess along the lines of Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan, though without the headline making arrests. Here are the Enquirer's headlines.

• Johnny Depp's drunken collapse
• His booze bingeing is out of control

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Sad Last Days for stars from 60 Minutes.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mike Wallace and Andy Rooney! The low rent Examiner aims directly for their old as dirt demographic with stories about these guy who have been ticking longer than that damn stop watch. Here are the headlines.

• Mike Wallace fading fast
• Andy Rooney forced out

For those of you keeping track of such things, Mike Wallace is 92 and Andy Rooney is the snot-nosed kid of this duo at 91.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: The Enquirer and Globe gang up on Dr. Conrad Murray.

Publications: National Enquirer, Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

For the first time that I can recall, two stories get lumped together with a chance to win the Meanest Story of the Week competition, as both the Enquirer and Globe both do everything they can to convict Dr. Conrad Murray of the manslaughter of Michael Jackson before the trial is over. Here are the headlines.

• Enquirer: Michael Jackson trial bombshell
  Dr. Murray's death kit found!
  Drugs, bloody needles, patient files and more discovered in his storage locker
• Globe: Michael Jackson murdered!
  What Dr. Death is hiding from jury
  Official court photo - more inside

I haven't been paying attention to the trial, but it's taking place in Los Angeles. Juries down there are capable of anything.

These stories get a joint nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Charlie Sheen has six months to live! (Friends fear.)

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The supermarket rags do not usually hover over the truly flaming hot messes of Hollywood. If they did, Charlie Sheen would have become a fixture in the top ten celebrities list. The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are much more interested in the love lives of Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston.

But after a flurry of stories in March, Charlie has had only two headlines in the mags since until this week, when he moves from the Brave Last Days list to the Expiration Date list. According to the low rent Examiner, his friends fear he has only six months to live. It should be noted that it was the low rent Examiner that put Charlie on the Not Long 4 This World list last year when it reported Martin Sheen was trying to intervene to save his son.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Demi & Ashton's $290 million divroce!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 October 2011

It was thirteen months ago when Star broke the story about Ashton Kutcher cheating. For a few weeks, several of the supermarket rags piled on, but nothing came of it. This week, Star again accuses Kutcher of cheating and uses the majority of the cover to say it's the end of the marriage. Here are the headlines.

• They've been living apart for months
• Ashton's serial cheating exposed
• His secret fling with Britney Spears
• World exclusive: It's over!
• The final showdown

Kutcher has responded on Twitter with a link to the Public Enemy song Don't Believe The Hype.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

UPDATE: One week later, this story is on six covers, so whether a divorce actually comes of it or not, in retrospect this gets a Scoop of the Week label.

Meanest story nominee: William orders Charles to dump Camilla now!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

In the tabloids, the Camilla Parker-Bowles of 2011 is not so much a human being as a robot programmed to attack her daughter-in-law Kate Middleton. (I know I should stop calling her by her maiden name, but I really haven't got quite used to Duchess Catherine yet.) In any case, Wills has told jug-eared Chuck that he has to get rid of her NOW.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.