The Enquirer goes after J.R. Martinez.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

I have an odd relationship with the gossip world.  I don't watch the TV shows they follow and I don't read what's inside. All I know is what's on the cover.  I know J.R. Martinez won Dancing With The Stars this season, so the public likes him.  This means the Enquirer has some perverse notion that he needs to be chopped down to size.  Here are their headlines.

• DWTS J.R. Martinez Shocking tell-all!
• Women
• War wounds
• Winning

Let me say something nice about the Enquirer, even though I know their hearts are in the wrong place.

Nice alliteration.

Bun in the Oven alert™: Ricki Lake pregnant at 42!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

If tabloid cover stories are any indication, American Idol is fading and Dancing With The Stars is the new top dog among reality TV shows now.  The Enquirer says Ricki Lake is pregnant and calls this a "DWTS secret".

Best wishes to all concerned, if this is true. We will see when this story is reviewed at the end of June next year.

On the rocks and Love Bird alerts: Lauren Conrad's love life.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

For most reality TV stars, being without a show on the air is something like a fish being out of water.  But in terms of celebrity, Lauren Conrad must be part lungfish because the gossip rags still care about her.  Her Hills co-star Heidi Montag might just explode from jealousy.

Then again, Heidi might explode from too much plastic surgery.

In any case, here are the headlines. 

• Weekly Life & Style:  LC & Derek: It's over!
• Us Weekly: Lauren & Chace hooking up

For those of you not on a first name basis with every celebrity less than 40, Derek is Derek Hough from Dancing With The Stars and Chace is Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Feud on Dancing With The Stars!

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow!  Last trash of the week... right now!

Us Weekly reports that dirty tricks are being played on Derek Hough of Dancing With The Stars and has a picture of Maks Chmerkovsky included, which makes one assume he is the perpetrator.

Meanest story nominee: Chaz Bono has four years to live!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

The Enquirer has published several bad stories about Chaz Bono's health this year and now puts the 42 year old on the Expiration Date list, giving him four years to live.  This is a strangely long time for these kinds of stories.  The longest expiration date before this were two years to live. Among the people who have gotten the "two years to live" treatment are Oprah Winfrey, Rush Limbaugh and Chaz' mom Cher.

Here are the headlines.

• Breaking news! Chaz Bono Only 4 years to live!
• Liver damage agony
• Dancing With The Stars made his health crisis worse

Best wishes to Chaz, his family and friends.  This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

J.R. Martinez of Dancing With The Stars

Publication: People

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

 

Iraqi war veteran is on Dancing With The Stars this season and this week, People gives his story the majority of the cover.  Here are the headlines.

• Triumph after tragedy
• Dancing's hero J.R. Martinez
• Burned over 40% of his body, the Iraq war veteran wished he'd died.
• Now winning the hearts of millions on Dancing With the Stars, he reveals his remarkable journey

 

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Ricki Lake loses 20 lbs.

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Ricki Lake!  The actress and talk show hostess has recently lost weight while working out on Dancing With the Stars and this is being reported in a good way, one of the few weight stories this week with a positive slant.  Good for her.

Hairdresser alert™: Rob Kardashian gay shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Rob Kardashian!  No one really cares about Kardashians with penises, but now that he's on Dancing With The Stars, the Enquirer decided to say he's involved in some "gay shocker!"

Doesn't being famous look like just the funnest thing ever?

Cher's shocking breakdown over Chaz!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Most of the stories I read elsewhere talk about how much support Cher has given to Chaz Bono as he competes on Dancing With The Stars, but the Enquirer always has to pee in the punch bowl and given that, they have a cover story of a much nastier nature. Here are the headlines.

• Exclusive what you didn't see on DWTS
• She can't accept transgender son
• Cher's shocking breakdown over Chaz!
• Plus: Cher lashes out at 'Dancing' - vicious insults and nasty slurs

Stay classy, Enquirer.

Problems With Plastic Alert: Chaz Bono's $10,000 Plastic surgery nightmare!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Enquirer tells us that Chaz Bono has had a $10,000 plastic surgery nightmare, and puts a picture of him shirtless on the cover. The also call this a "DWTS shocker!", so it's pretty obvious that Chaz's being on the show is the reason this is new the Enquirer thinks you can use.

She Fought The Law Alert™: Chaz Bono's fiance arrested!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Star claims an exclusive with a story that Jennifer Elia, referred to as Chaz Bono's fiance, has been arrested. Though the cover does not mention Dancing With The Star, I assume the show is the reason for the recently increased interest in Chaz and his life, so it gets a label.

Dancing With The Stars' Lacey bullied for her body

Publication: In Touch
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Lacey Schwimmer! She's partnered with Chaz Bono this season, and this report says she was "bullied for her body".

Least interesting cover story of the week: Dancing With The Stars rehab shockers!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The Enquirer did not put any artwork with this headline about Dancing With The Stars,though there is the sub-headline "boozing, drugs and mental problems".

This had a chance to be the Meanest Story of the Week if they had named names, but without specific targets, it becomes the "Least interesting story of the week".

Meanest story nominee: Chaz Bono cancer shocker

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

I don't watch Dancing With The Stars, but I do somewhat admire the show's ability to generate gossip. Chaz Bono is the obvious negative lightning rod this season, though I think Nancy Grace will also add a lot of new people to the list of folks who hate her guts. The Enquirer says there is a shocker involving cancer for Chaz. Here are the headlines.

• DWTS Chaz Bono
• Cancer shocker
• His tears and pain
• World exclusive news and photos
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert: Brooke Burke's beach vows.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 29 August 2011



Weekly Life & Style devoted about half the cover to Kim Kardashian's wedding this week and the other half was mentions of other celebrities who recently tied the knot, with the focus on the bride naturally. I could have tried to hunt down a new Brooke Burke picture, but I'm a dirty old man and I kind of like this one.



Best wishes to all concerned.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst winter beach bodies for early August 2011.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

Yet another bach body cover story from an AMI publication, usually the Enquirer or the Star. Ignoring the "Guess who?" pictures which are always unflattering, there are three women considered too fat and three others who are deemed to look good.

The fat:

• Catherine Bach
• Fantasia Barrino from American False Idol
• Neve Campbell

The ones who aren't fat:

• Hillary Swank
• Megan Fox
• Julianne Hough from Dancing With The Stars

Just to rub it in a little, the Enquirer promises to tell you which of the people who look good have had plastic surgery.

Damn You Fat Alert™:Kirstie Alley packs on the pounds.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

The Enquirer never gets tired of mocking Kirstie Alley for her weight. This week, they say she has an eating disorder and claim she has gained 12 pounds since losing on Dancing With The Stars.

Dancing With The Stars rigged!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 6 June 2011

The Enquirer goes with a cover story saying Dancing With The Stars is rigged this season, and they put pictures of the finalists Kirstie Alley, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane on the cover.

Here's the thing. They said the same thing two months ago and predicted the eventual winner would be Kirstie Alley or Kendra Wilkinson, two names well known to the readers of gossip rags.

Hines Ward won. He's not well known to the gossip world, but he's an athlete. Athletes do really well on this show.

This is exactly the type of story I had in mind when I started this blog, a time when the Enquirer expects that everyone has the attention span of a gnat and it will be ignored that their bold prediction of just two months ago was complete horseshit.

Guess what, Enquirer? I don't have the attention span of a gnat. I publish on the Internet, where nothing ever completely disappears down the memory hole.

The Enquirer prints lies, guesses and nonsense with astonishing regularity. This blog is here to catch the worst cases.

You're welcome. I'm glad to do it.

Backstage gossip from Dancing With The Stars.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 2 May 2011

Last season, there were a boatload of Dancing With The Stars stories on the covers of the gossip rags, but it's been a little quiet this season so far. Here are the headlines from the story in Us Weekly.

• DWTS Meltdowns! Hookups! Feuds!
• Kendra - backstage tears
• Kirstie - control freak
• Chelsea - Dating LC's ex

The main characters that have been the targets of gossip have been Kendra and Kirstie, but a new name gets added this week, DisneyTeen™ Chelsea Kane. For people over the age of 25 (and for those under that age who actually have lives), LC is short for Lauren Conrad, a reality TV star.

You're welcome.

On the rocks alert: American False Idol's Pia caught in love triangle.

Publication: Star
Date: 25 April 2011

So there's this girl named Pia on American False Idol who has already been sent packing who is hooking up with another contestant named Stefano and Mark Ballas from Dancing With The Stars, the poor bastard who had to drag Bristol Palin's fat ass around the stage last year.

I cannot add up the amount of "I don't care" I have about this story, and I'm a professional mathematician.