Meanest Story nominee: Hollywood weight battles!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 Dec. 2011 

The Enquirer has a grab bag story of female celebrities struggling with their weight. Here are the headlines.

    Oprah 280 lbs.
    Boozing and Binge Eating
    Talk queen ordered "Diet or Die!"

    Demi Moore 90 lbs.
    Dramatic intervention to get her to eat

    Ricki Lake 140 libs.
    Too fat for wedding dress
    Desperate to lose 20 lbs.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Casey Anthony survives assassination attempt!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The Enquirer would like to remind everyone that Casey Anthony is still the most hated person in America with a story about her surviving an assassination attempt.  Here are the headlines.

• Killer wanted to put a bullet through her brain
• She's pulled from kill zone & rushed to a new safe house
  

A lawyer for Anthony denies the entire story.

Meanest story nominee: Kirstie cancer drama!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

If there is anyone new to this blog just stumbling upon this story, you should know that the AMI owned gossip rags hate fat Scientologists in general and Kirstie Alley in particular. More than this, the Flagship, my nickname for the Enquirer, has first dibs on hating her.  Here are this week's headlines.

• Kirstie cancer drama
• Heavy smoking is killing her

This is not the first time Kirstie has been marked for death in the tabloids.  She was given three years to live back in 2009 before this blog started. 

 

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Pregnant Kate's brain tumor drama!

Publication: Globe

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The Globe takes two very sketchy rumors about Kate Middleton and turns them into a serious problem.  First, they go with the rumor she's is pregnant - a rumor now entering its eighth month, by the way - and then adds in the worst possible diagnosis from the scar on Kate's head. Here are the headlines.

• The tragic story behind her secret surgery
• Will she live long enough to see her baby grow?

It is good to remember that any time the word "drama" is in a gossip rag headline, this is secret code for "we got nothing".

Since there is speculation about her longevity, this counts as a Not Long 4 This World story, though to my mind the weakest possible level, and of course, gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Chaz Bono has four years to live!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

The Enquirer has published several bad stories about Chaz Bono's health this year and now puts the 42 year old on the Expiration Date list, giving him four years to live.  This is a strangely long time for these kinds of stories.  The longest expiration date before this were two years to live. Among the people who have gotten the "two years to live" treatment are Oprah Winfrey, Rush Limbaugh and Chaz' mom Cher.

Here are the headlines.

• Breaking news! Chaz Bono Only 4 years to live!
• Liver damage agony
• Dancing With The Stars made his health crisis worse

Best wishes to Chaz, his family and friends.  This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee: Barbra Streisand battles deadly disease!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

There are two new additions to the Tabloid Vulture list this week and they battle it out for Meanest Story of the Week with Steve Jobs, who allegedly died because he was a Buddhist.  The Enquirer, which has previously published that Barbra Striesand is a hoarder whose marriage is on the rocks, now says she has a deadly cancer.  Here are the headlines.

• Breaking news! Streisand cancer bombshell!
• Barbra's battle with deadly disease
• Husband James by her side
• Her new nightmare after colon surgery

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee: Demi Moore's weight plunges to a life threatening level.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Most weeks, it's the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and low rent Examiner fighting it out for Meanest Story of the Week, but this week three of the allegedly more reputable gossip rags put Demi Moore on the tabloid vulture list, saying her life style could kill her.  These are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Starving to keep her man
  Demi's daughters fear for her life
  95 lbs. and dropping
  500 calories a day
  Taking dangerous diet hormones
  What is she thinking?
• OK!: Starving for attention
  What's behind (Demi's) dangerous weight loss
• In Touch: Demi's deadly diet

These are co-nominees for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Larry Hagman fighting deadly disease!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

In March, the low rent Examiner said Larry Hagman had Alzheimer's. Now, the Globe says he is battling a deadly disease. This puts him on the tabloid death watch and makes this count as a Meanest Story of the Week.

Best wishes to Larry Hagman, his family and friends, from a fan of I Dream of Jeannie.

Meanest Story nominee: Michael Douglas marked for death!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Michael Douglas is no stranger to the tabloids saying he's going to die. While he lived through one expiration date earlier this year, he has yet another one coming up at Thanksgiving.

This time it's not the cancer but the Mexican drug cartel, if you can believe it. The Enquirer says his ne'er-do-well son Cameron has ratted on the Mexicans and they are going to come after his family or that's at least what "insiders fear".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee and Not Long 4 This World alert: Barry Manilow's deadly heart condition.

Publication: Globe
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The Globe editors have decided their readers would really like to hear bad news about the great hit songwriter Barry Manilow. In June, it was a plastic surgery disaster. Now, he has a deadly heart condition.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Reese Witherspoon's brain surgery drama!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Earlier this month, Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car and briefly hospitalized. It was a one day story in the online gossip world and the timing was bad for the supermarket rags. But more than a week later, the Enquirer puts her on the cover with overly sensational headlines.

• Days after being hit by car
• Reese's Brain Surgery Drama!
  
• World Exclusive photos inside
• It could be deadly!

Technically, any strong concussion can turn deadly, but it's rare. For the serious over-reaction, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Chaz Bono's life in danger!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 15 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been... oh hell, who am I kidding? I was raised agnostic and I've NEVER been to confession.

But I did sin. I opened one of these damned magazines.

To me, "life in danger" isn't exactly "Brave Last Days", and even though the Flagship also wrote "Cher fights to save him", I had to see what the big damn deal was.

Chaz is getting hitched and wants to diet for the wedding.

As a fat person, I say good for him.

The Enquirer says he is putting his life at risk by going on a 2,000 calorie a day diet.

Aww, hellz no, as we say in Oaktown.

1,500 calories a day, that's dicey. 900 calories a day? That what the Germans fed Jewish prisoners who they wanted to keep alive just long enough to build the V-2 rocket sites.

Extremely bad idea.

But 2,000 calories is completely within the normal scale. I am giving it a Not Long 4 This World label because they used the word "deadly" in the article, but I'm still calling bullshit on this story.

You want to lose weight for your wedding, Chaz? Good idea. You have to look at those pictures forever.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Regis' shocking tell-all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Only the two supermarket rags that have the lion's share of Hey Old Timer Gossip, the Globe and the low rent Examiner, think Regis Phiblin is a source of hot dish. This time it's the Globe who says their is a tell-all book, for which someone will be paid $10 million. It isn't clear on the cover whether he is the author or someone is ratting on him. Here are the headlines.

• Divorce bombshell
• Other women
• How he nearly died - THREE TIMES
• Inside: Shocking truth about Kathie Lee
  

She Fought The Law (and won) Alert™: A passel of Casey Anthony stories.

Publications: National Enquirer, National Examiner, Globe, Star, In Touch
Date: 25 July 2010

If we ignore the Sun, which is usually about the end of the world, the five meanest gossip rags are the other four published by AMI (National Enquirer, the low rent Examiner, Globe, Star) and In Touch. All five of those have Casey Anthony stories this week. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Casey and her lawyer: getting physical!
• National Examiner: Casey Anthony verdict: what do you think?
• Globe: Casey Anthony marked for death!
  Chilling threat targets Monster Mom
• Star: Casey Anthony ca$hing in (OUTRAGE!)
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony Wedding Bombshell
  Secret new life of America's most hated woman
  Another baby to replace Caylee
  $50K plastic surgery makeover
  Where she'll live and more

For a little outrage overspill, the Enquirer has a picture of the judge in the case and a story from his mistress blabbing about his cheating.

This is a lot of stories, but only counts as a single week's coverage by my way of counting. We will see if she remains gossip-worthy as the year continues.

Meanest story nominee: Glen Campbell's final battle

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

The news of Glen Campbell's Alzheimer's diagnosis is two weeks old now, first put on the cover by the National Enquirer, but the low rent Examiner decides to re-hash the story and call it Campbell's "final battle", so I'm giving this the "Not Long 4 This World" label, even though the mentally debilitating disease does not necessarily mean a shorter life, just a much less pleasant one. In this "exclusive", the low rent Examiner promises to give the "tragic reason behind shocking Alzheimer's confession".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Amber's deathbed confession!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 July 2011

Anyone who has read this blog before knows how much I dislike the entire concept of the reality show Teen Mom. Since I haven't watched it, I don't have a least favorite star of this show, but having read headlines, it seems like Amber Portwood is one of the most disagreeable.

It is my fond wish that these young women would not be on TV, but I'm not wishing them dead.

In Touch uses the word "deathbed" in a cover story about Amber Portwood. She did attempt suicide, but it wasn't anywhere near a successful attempt, so it wasn't really a "deathbed confession".

The gossip rags have only used the word "deathbed" in three cases prior to this in the last eighteen months. They have used it to describe Elizabeth Edwards and Elizabeth Taylor after they died, and they used it in a story about Zsa Zsa Gabor when it looked like she was going to die.

Zsa Zsa is 93. Amber is 21. Claiming Zsa Zsa was on her deathbed can be listed as an honest mistake.

This, on the other hand, is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Whitney Houston dying!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 20 June 2011

Way back last June, the Enquirer wrote that Whitney Houston would be dead "within months". Back then, it was all about the drugs. This week, the low rent Examiner says she is dying, but says the cause will be a lung disease she has contracted. They also mention she is in rehab for the fourth time.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Paula Deen battles deadly disease!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

The Flagship puts Paula Deen on the tabloid death watch this week, but at the very lowest level, the "battling deadly disease" level. Others on this list are Bill Clinton, Cher and Portia de Rossi. If I put stock in what the vultures of the gossip press say, I would say Bill and Cher are in more dire straits because they have also been given the "xxx months to live treatment". Still, the track record of the tabloids when they say someone is near death has been pretty weak.

Best wishes to Paula Deen, her family and friends.

Also, you might want to try less butter in some of those recipes. Just sayin'.

Don't try suicide: John Edwards suicidal as lawyer gives him bad news.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 April 2011

John Edwards is almost the exclusive property of the National Enquirer. There has been one story about his late wife Elizabeth in People which mentioned him as a minor character, but every other story is in The Flagship and all of them are negative.

Which is no more than he deserves.

Even so, I made a promise to keep track of every time a supermarket rag marked someone for death, and finally realized that when they say someone is suicidal, this is the absolute weakest death warning around. As such, I have started a new label called "Don't try suicide" and I went back over the past death warnings and added this label to the ones that mentioned suicide.

When one of the tabloid vultures says "xxx dying!", they have a 100% probability of being right eventually. But when they say "zzz suicidal!", the chance that they are correct is much closer to 0%. Still, John Edwards goes on the death watch list, though I expect he's going to be staying on this side of the lawn for the foreseeable future.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Charlie Sheen died four times since October.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 21 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Back in November, the low rent Examiner went with a story that Martin Sheen was trying an intervention to save his dying son, so Charlie is already on the tabloid vulture list. This week, The Flagship is trying to tell us the Examiner already deserves credit for a scoop since Charlie has been dead four times since last October, and promises details on how he was brought back to life.

A small bookkeeping note: Charlie is no where near being in the top ten of cover stories in the tabloids since I started this blog in 2010, but one more story next week or some breaking news this week and he will be in the 2011 Top Ten. Right now, he's number 11 with a bullet, though I hope it isn't a literal bullet.