Meanest story nominee: Muhammad Ali has six months to live!

Publication: Globe

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier.  Here are the headlines.

• Muhammad Ali: Six months to live, friends fear
• New tragedy after Joe Frazier dies

 At least the great champ Frazier get some acknowledgment. Best wishes to Ali, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Miss Loretta Lynn has weeks to live.

Publication: Globe

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

For those of you keeping track, this is now the fifth story in two years in the gutter press predicting the death of Miss Loretta Lynn.  What it really means is there is some over-dramatic Judas with a connection to Miss Lynn who is making money funneling mean stories to the Globe and the low rent Examiner.  Here are this week's headlines.

• Loretta Lynn dying!
• New hospital drama!
• Only weeks to live - pals fear

Let me note that it was two months ago when the headline about Miss Loretta read "THE END".  By saying "weeks to live", I've given this post an "Expiration Date" label and I arbitrarily set the date at the end of the year.

Best wishes to Miss Loretta Lynn, her friends and family, from a fan.  I exclude the "friends" who keeping blabbing bad stuff about her to the tabloids.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Brad begs Angie to eat.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

We get another "friends fear" headline this week, this time about Angelina Jolie being addicted to diet pills and Brad trying to get her to eat. Once again, we get news of her being at a ridiculous weight, this time 93 lbs., the lowest number yet reported for her.

Meanest Story nominee: Michael Douglas marked for death!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Michael Douglas is no stranger to the tabloids saying he's going to die. While he lived through one expiration date earlier this year, he has yet another one coming up at Thanksgiving.

This time it's not the cancer but the Mexican drug cartel, if you can believe it. The Enquirer says his ne'er-do-well son Cameron has ratted on the Mexicans and they are going to come after his family or that's at least what "insiders fear".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Charlie Sheen has six months to live! (Friends fear.)

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The supermarket rags do not usually hover over the truly flaming hot messes of Hollywood. If they did, Charlie Sheen would have become a fixture in the top ten celebrities list. The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are much more interested in the love lives of Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston.

But after a flurry of stories in March, Charlie has had only two headlines in the mags since until this week, when he moves from the Brave Last Days list to the Expiration Date list. According to the low rent Examiner, his friends fear he has only six months to live. It should be noted that it was the low rent Examiner that put Charlie on the Not Long 4 This World list last year when it reported Martin Sheen was trying to intervene to save his son.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

You So Crazy Alert™: Casey Anthony headed for mental ward.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

We get another big Casey Anthony headline this week, this time from the Enquirer and based entirely on a "friend fears" speculation about Casey being sent to a mental institution, where she will be subjected to "the straight-jacket, padded cell and shock treatments!"

Stay classy, Enquirer!

Demon Drugs Alert™: Paula Abdul's new beau busted for heroin.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 July 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Enquirer reports that Paula Abdul's new fella is a former heroin addict.

I looked online for his name. He's Jeff Bratton. He owns a record label. In my book, that makes him lower than a heroin addict, but that's just me.

A new crop of Bachelorette nonsense has just been planted.

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! A new season of that awful dating show The Bachelorette has begun and OK! and In Touch start feeding us the dish, like it or not. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Bachelorette Ashley rejected!
• OK! Ashley's friends fear she's in danger

Note that OK! thinks this woman is already famous enough that she gets a first name and nothing else. I had to do some research to figure out who she was, but obviously I'm not the target market.

Meanest Story nominee: Tina Turner headed to booze rehab, friends fear.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

Welcome (back) to gossip hell, Miss Tina Turner! The Enquirer has another one of those "friends fear" stories, which really means somebody needed a few bucks and they ratted out a celebrity for cash. According to this story, Tina is drinking hard after the death of her sister.

I hate to bring up age and Miss Turner in the same sentence, but I had a poster of her in my room when I was in high school, so she does technically count as Hey Old Timer Gossip.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

And the camera noses in to the tears on their faces: Stories focusing on Charlie Sheen's twin toddlers

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 21 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! It's easy to think of Charlie Sheen as a human train wreck who deserves all the trouble now coming his way, but two different supermarket rags finally bring up a salient fact that turns makes this comedy feel more like a tragedy.

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are the proud parents of twin boys who are now two years old. One or both of them will get custody. Right now, Mueller has sole custody, but that only happened recently.

Here's People's take on the story this week.

• Kids caught in chaos
• Sippy cups, porn stars and threats
  
• The upside-down world of the toddlers trapped in Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller's ugly custody war

Weekly Life & Style also uses most of the cover with a reminder that there are tiny tots involved in this horrible nonsense.

• Exclusive Interview: Charlie Sheen admits "I'm losing my mind".
• After Charlie loses his job and his kids, friends fear he's suicidal.
• He tells WL&S "My lawyer wants to take the bullets out of my gun."

Here's a sentence I don't type that often.

Whatever Sheen is paying that lawyer, it's not enough.

Meanest Story nominee:Chelsea Clinton's husband heading for the mental hospital

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 March 2011

I don't really consider Chelsea Clinton a celebrity. She's the daughter of a former president, but she's making no effort to keep herself in the spotlight. This does not keep the dogs in the AMI kennel from continuing to hound her and her husband Marc Mezvinsky. This week, it's the Enquirer saying the Marc is heading for the mental hospital, with the small type sub-headline "friends fear".

I'd say it's time to get some new friends. This is a Meanest Story nominee.

You So Crazy Alert™: Pat Robertson losing his mind.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 21 February 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Pat Robertson! It says something about the gravitas of the former presidential candidate that his first mention in the tabloids in a very long time is in the low rent Examiner, who run a story that his friends fear he may not be in full possession of his faculties.

I didn't open the magazine, that's my policy, but if you are a "friend" of Pat Robertson, I have to wonder exactly what he's doing that makes you think he's crazy NOW given the long history of unhinged things he has said and done in the past.

I mean, in 1976 when he predicted Doomsday would be in 1982, you thought he was okay?

When he prayed for a nuclear attack on the State Department during the Bush 43 administration, that wasn't crazy to you?

When he claimed he could leg press 2,700 lbs. due to his "age-denying energy shake" a few years back, that wasn't proof he was a deluded lying scumbag?

The better headline might have been, "All Pat Robertson's 'friends' are blind fools!"

Jerry Lewis booted from telethon

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 November 2010

The Globe says Jerry Lewis is being kicked off the Jerry Lewis telethon and his friends fear for the heartbroken legend.

Other news sources says the schedule is being reduced from 21 hours 30 minutes to 6 hours.

The show has been on the air since I was a pup and if I ever watched it for more than five seconds at a stretch, I've blanked that part of my life out of my memory.

Meanest Story nominee:Lindsay beyond hope?

Publication: People
Date: 11 October 2010

For the first time, the Gold Standard has a headline that I'm putting in the running for Meanest Story of the Week. The headline reads "Lindsay Beyond Hope? Friends Fear She Can't Get Better".

The tactic of asking a question as a headline is reminiscent of Fox News having stories like "Is Obama a Socialist?" or "Are Death Panels Coming?" For this, People becomes yet another supermarket rag in the running for Meanest Story.

Not Long 4 This World:Bret Michaels risking his life story continues

Publications: People, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 7 June 2010

Last week it was Star magazine warning us about Bret Michaels AND stories in the legitimate press about a previously undiagnosed hole in his heart. This week three of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have him on the cover warning about his health and his lifestyle choices.

• People: Bret Living Dangerously
• In Touch: Friends fear for Bret's life
• Us Weekly: Bret Michaels ignoring doctors

That's a lot of warnings and one of them is from The Gold Standard, which has more weight than its competitors.