Meanest story nominee: Muhammad Ali has six months to live!

Publication: Globe

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier.  Here are the headlines.

• Muhammad Ali: Six months to live, friends fear
• New tragedy after Joe Frazier dies

 At least the great champ Frazier get some acknowledgment. Best wishes to Ali, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Chaz Bono has four years to live!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

The Enquirer has published several bad stories about Chaz Bono's health this year and now puts the 42 year old on the Expiration Date list, giving him four years to live.  This is a strangely long time for these kinds of stories.  The longest expiration date before this were two years to live. Among the people who have gotten the "two years to live" treatment are Oprah Winfrey, Rush Limbaugh and Chaz' mom Cher.

Here are the headlines.

• Breaking news! Chaz Bono Only 4 years to live!
• Liver damage agony
• Dancing With The Stars made his health crisis worse

Best wishes to Chaz, his family and friends.  This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Miss Loretta Lynn has weeks to live.

Publication: Globe

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

For those of you keeping track, this is now the fifth story in two years in the gutter press predicting the death of Miss Loretta Lynn.  What it really means is there is some over-dramatic Judas with a connection to Miss Lynn who is making money funneling mean stories to the Globe and the low rent Examiner.  Here are this week's headlines.

• Loretta Lynn dying!
• New hospital drama!
• Only weeks to live - pals fear

Let me note that it was two months ago when the headline about Miss Loretta read "THE END".  By saying "weeks to live", I've given this post an "Expiration Date" label and I arbitrarily set the date at the end of the year.

Best wishes to Miss Loretta Lynn, her friends and family, from a fan.  I exclude the "friends" who keeping blabbing bad stuff about her to the tabloids.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Penny Marshall has six months to live!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Penny Marshall has been on the Brave Last Days list since last year and the stories about her have been in the Globe. I assumed they thought her life was in danger because of her weight, but instead it was about an alleged cancer diagnosis. In August, the Globe reported a nice story that she had lost weight and the cancer was gone. Here are this week's headlines.

• Penny Marshall dying
• Her cancer is back
• Six months to live
• Race against time to write tell all book
• Then and now pictures

Best wishes to Ms. Marshall, her family and friends. This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Charlie Sheen has six months to live! (Friends fear.)

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The supermarket rags do not usually hover over the truly flaming hot messes of Hollywood. If they did, Charlie Sheen would have become a fixture in the top ten celebrities list. The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are much more interested in the love lives of Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston.

But after a flurry of stories in March, Charlie has had only two headlines in the mags since until this week, when he moves from the Brave Last Days list to the Expiration Date list. According to the low rent Examiner, his friends fear he has only six months to live. It should be noted that it was the low rent Examiner that put Charlie on the Not Long 4 This World list last year when it reported Martin Sheen was trying to intervene to save his son.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Doris Day pleads for your prayers in her sad last days

Publication: Sun
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

For the second time in 2011, the Sun has a set of predictions supposed to occur this year that includes a Brave Last Days alert. In June, they said a weeping statue would herald Billy Graham going home to heaven, and now they say Doris Day wants your prayers in her Sad Last Days.

If it's any consolation to either Mr. Graham or Ms. Day, as bad as the tabloid vultures are at predicting death, the Sun and their prophecies are even worse.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Four prophecies for 2011!

Publication: Sun
Date: 20 June 2011

The Sun gives us four prophecies for 2011, but none of them involve the End of the World or even so much as a plague or terrorist attack. Still, they have expiration dates, so they can be tested for accuracy.

Hillary Clinton is going to announce a run for the presidency.

Miss Betty White will buy a baseball team and they will win the World Series.

NASA files reveal why JFK really died.

(Did the shot come from outer space?)

And a weeping statue predicts Billy Graham's last days.

By the end of the year, I will report back on all these predictions.

Brave Last Days Alert: The Enquirer and Globe gang up on Liz Taylor

Publications: National Enquirer, Globe
Date: 28 February 2011

Last week, the Enquirer had a big bold headline saying it was THE END for Miss Elizabeth Taylor. As often happens, the Flagship jumps the gun on this stuff a lot. The real news is that she was diagnosed with congestive heart disease several years ago, she recently entered the hospital in Los Angeles, and while the stay in the hospital is continuing, her doctors say the health of the film legend is steadily improving.

This of course does not stop the Wicked Step Sister tabloids from continuing to shovel dirt on her.

• National Enquirer: Liz: Secret heart operation
• Globe: Dying Liz's last birthday party before being rushed to the hospital with heart failure

Because the Globe put the phrase "last birthday party" in the headline, this counts as an Expiration Date, since they do not expect her to see her birthday in February of next year.

I have no inside information, as usual, but I for one would not bet money against Miss Elizabeth Taylor. Not only is she one of the last living legends in Hollywood and an incomparable beauty, deep down were it really counts, Miss Elizabeth is a tough old bird.

Best wishes as always to Miss Elizabeth Taylor, her friends and family, from a fan.

UPDATE: Miss Elizabeth Taylor died on March 23, 2011, so the prediction that this was her last birthday party is the first correct Expiration Date of 2010-2011. The Enquirer got a lot of credit for saying Michael Jackson had six months to live, but they make these kinds of predictions frequently and almost always get them wrong.

Meanest Story nominee: Steve Jobs has six weeks to live.

(photo nicked from Gizmodo.com)
Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 February 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Steve Jobs! A few weeks back, the face of Apple computer since its inception stated he would take some time off to address a health concern. The Flagship decided to tell us this week he shouldn't fill out a March Madness bracket because he won't be around to watch the Final Four play.

Here are the facts I've been able to find wandering around the Internet. Jobs was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2003 but it was operable and it's gone. In 2009, he had a liver transplant. That's a lot of serious health problems for a guy who is my age, but obviously he can afford the best health care in the world.

Not every Brave Last Days story gets nominated for Meanest Story of the Week, but when they have Expiration Dates as well, the nomination is pretty much sewn up.

Best wishes to Steve Jobs, his family and friends, from a guy writing a blog on a Mac Mini.

Meanest Story nominee:Aretha Franklin has six months to live!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 December 2010

The National Enquirer prints a true story, the sad news that the Queen of Soul has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Of course, that isn't enough for the Flagship, who says the great singer has only six months to live. For a more measured diagnosis, you read this story in the Los Angeles Times online.

Best wishes to Miss Franklin, her family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Michael Douglas has three months to live

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 8 November 2010

Previously, the Globe said this would be Michael Douglas' last Thanksgiving, which put him on the Expiration Date list. Now, the Enquirer gives him three months to live, which moves the time table up. The Star, Globe and Enquirer have been taking turns beating up on Michael and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones, who is said to be keeping secrets from him in this headline.

Best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:No hope for Michael Douglas

Publications: Globe, Star
Date: 18 October 2010

The entire AMI kennel has decided to jump on the "we want Michael Douglas to die" bandwagon. The Globe goes with the big headline NO HOPE and says friends think this will be his last Thanksgiving, which is not just a Brave Last Days alert but an expiration date. The Star says Michael and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones are saying goodbye.

This blog wishes Mr. Douglas and his family all the best. If it's any consolation, the tabloids have a bad track record of success with these predictions, and none of the people with expiration dates assigned have actually expired.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Not Long 4 This World Alert:Chelsea's Wedding Tragedy (Bill has six months to live)

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 August 2010

After Bill Clinton's hospitalization early this year, the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids have been saying he is near death. The first was the Enquirer saying it was a toss-up whether Chelsea's wedding or Bill's funeral would happen first. As the wedding is scheduled for tomorrow, it looks like the Big Dog will be able to attend and the Flagship once again has egg on its face.

So the Enquirer sends its weak sister the Globe to continue the attack on the former president, saying he has heart disease and Parkinson's and will be dead within six months. There have been rumors about Parkinson's for some time and his hospitalization earlier this year was about heart issues, but the six months crap is just American Media, Inc.'s way of saying "We really don't like you."

There are other mean stories this week, but to print this just before Chelsea's wedding makes it my choice for Meanest Story Of The Week, hands down.

Demon Drugs Alert™ and Not Long 4 This World Alert:Whitney's $6,300 a week drug habit

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 July 2010

The eighth story about Whitney Houston this year is once again in the Enquirer. One story was from In Touch about her snorting coke in public. All the rest have been from The Flagship.

Once again, Whitney's problems are drug related. She allegedly has a $900 a day drug habit, which some tabloid mathematician decided would sound more impressive if it was listed as a $6,300 a week habit. Personally, I might have gone with $28,000 a month. That's a serious chunk of change right there.

The other details are that she was high when she was on Oprah and that some "friend" is quoted as saying she'll be dead in months, though the number of months is not specified. This puts the diva on the Expiration Date list, a sub-category of the celebrity death watch list.

The extra details make this a nominee for the Meanest Story of the Week. Vote for your favorite in the poll. The results will be published on Wednesday.

Brave Last Days alert:Dick Clark has two months to live

Publication: Globe
Date: 19 July 2010

Before I started this blog, the Enquirer said Dick Clark had a year to live back last October. Now, the Globe pushes the date up and says he will not make it to Labor Day.

It is the policy of this blog always to root for people to prove these predictions wrong. Best wishes, Mr. Clark.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Garth Brooks' ex-wife's has two years to live

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 19 July 2010

The celebrity death watch from The Three Wicked Stepsisters (Enquirer, Globe, Examiner) continues this week. Someone gets added to the list this evening, but this morning we have two names that have been mentioned before. The only thing that makes these news is the addition of an expiration date. The Examiner says Sandy Brooks has two years to live. I know it's morbid, but I'm going to keep track of these and report back. The new label is Expiration Date.

Here's hoping Ms. Brooks can prove them wrong in July 2012.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Cher has two years to live.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 26 Apr. 2010

It has been said that when the end of the world comes, the only things that will remain are cockroaches and Cher.* If the National Examiner is correct, the cockroaches will have to find someone else to sing at their parties.

Cher may actually have some health issues, but I haven't heard it from a reputable news source. When the supermarket rags tell us about Dennis Hopper and Elizabeth Edwards, they are repeating stuff already reported in newspapers and magazines that check facts and get statements from the people involved. Until I see the story someplace real, it's all jibber-jabber, as the great philosopher Mr. T is fond of saying.

UPDATE: Because a date was given (April 15, 2012), this is now referenced in the Expiration Date label.

*(Thanks to friend of the blog Karen Zipdrive for reminding me of this old joke.)

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Elizabeth Edwards has six months to live.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 26 Apr. 2010

This is the sixth time Elizabeth Edwards has been mentioned in the tabloids this year, and this is the first story that tells us she's dying. But the part of the story that the National Enquirer really wants to tell us is that her scumbag husband John is giving Elizabeth's jewelry away to that unstable skanky ho Rielle Hunter.

Best wishes to Ms. Edwards and her friends, and the friends she still has in her family. Here's hoping that Ms. Edwards lives long past this October.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Rush Limbaugh has two years to live

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

If you haven't got the hang of the Not Long 4 This World category, there are four sub categories.

1) This person is old.
2) This person does drugs.
3) This person is too fat or too thin.
4) This person actually has a serious chronic health condition.

Rush falls in category 3. Yes, he had a heart attack, but that isn't the death sentence it used to be. If I were to take a wager, I would bet that he will still be around to say unkind things about the Democrats in general and President Obama in particular when the 2012 election season rolls around.

This is now listed under the Expiration Date label. Here's hoping Mr. Limbaugh makes it past Feb. 1, 2012, only because I hate the tabloids slightly more than I hate him.

Not Long 4 This World: The Starting Lineup

Last year, the tabs got some brownie points for predicting that Michael Jackson had six months to live. Here are the other names I remember off the top of my head who are Not Long 4 This World.

Dick Clark (one year)
Oprah Winfrey (three years)
Kirstie Alley (three years)
Elizabeth Taylor (on and off this list since Butterfield 8 was first released)

There may be others that were given similar kisses of death, but I don't recall them right now. Not Long 4 This World is different than Brave Last Days, which assumes a matter of weeks instead of a matter of months or years.