Meanest Story nominee: Michael Douglas' NEW cancer shocker.

Publication: Star
Date: 1 August 2011

Michael Douglas' health problems were all over the tabloids late last year, but after several predictions of his imminent demise, one of which came with a deadline that has already passed with the star still alive, the story was pretty much dropped. Now, Star has a grainy telephoto picture of him smoking and these headlines.

• Smoking again and fighting for his life
• Catherine struggles as they run away from it all
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

You So Crazy Alert™: More on Catherine Zeta Jones' situation.

Publications: People, National Enquirer, In Touch
Date: 2 May 2011

Once the Enquirer broke the Catherine Zeta-Jones story in print, it was all over the Internet by last week with lots of outlets being much more sympathetic than the biggest of the Wicked Step Sisters. Now three magazines have cover stories and even the Flagship isn't being that mean. Here are the headlines.

• People: Catherine Zeta-Jones Battling Bipolar Disorder
  inside her private struggle
  While husband Michael Douglas fought cancer, the star faced a mental health crisis. "There is no shame in seeking help." she says.
• In Touch: Inside Catherine's private hell
• National Enquirer: How Michael saved Catherine.
  Mental ward drama!
  

Meanest Story nominee:Catherine Zeta-Jones in Psycho Ward!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 25 April 2011

The Flagship has a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, as usual, but this one has already been confirmed as true. Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is called "Michael Douglas' wife" in the headlines, has been checked in to a mental hospital due to a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder 2. The Enquirer says she has been put in a ward with drug addicts and alcoholics, but since she works in Hollywood, she should feel right at home. (Rimshot! Thank you very much! I'll be here all week! Try the veal!)

UPDATE: Not only has this story been confirmed, but a week later it gets on several covers, so I give the story a belated Scoop of the Week.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones:Living for the moment.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 24 January 2011

It was late August when Michael Douglas went on Letterman's show and told the world about his throat cancer diagnosis. Just after that, he was on the cover of People. In October, November and even into early December, the mangy curs in the AMI kennel were portraying all the news as bad on a regular basis. This is the first story of 2011 about Michael and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones, and they are still not giving up the idea that the end is nearer than the couple wants to admit. The sub-headlines are:

• Painful secrets behind the smiles
• Doctors deliver emotional news
• What the couple is hiding

As always, best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Pray for Michael Douglas

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 20 December 2010

The low rent Examiner continues the AMI kennel's dogged determination to put Michael Douglas in a casket as soon as can be. They say he needs a wheelchair to get around and that his wife Catherine Zeta Jones is wasting away with worry. Let us recall that another AMI rag the Star had her callously whisking away to play golf in China just last month.

I dislike all the AMI rags on general principle, but I really hate the low rent Examiner this news cycle, which is why they have two nominees for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee:Michael Douglas collapses

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 22 Nov. 2010

This makes six weeks in a row Michael Douglas' health condition had been a cover story, or at least the morbid version of it pushed by the jackals in the AMI kennel. The Enquirer says there was emergency surgery and Catherine Zeta Jones sobbed, "Please don't die!"

You might recall that the Enquirer's kennel mate the Star said Catherine had abandoned Michael just last week to play golf in China, so maybe someone overheard her sobbing on the practice green.

Meanest Story nominee:Catherine Zeta-Jones abandons Michael to play golf in China

Publication: Star
Date: 15 November 2010

The AMI kennel just can't stop picking on Michael Douglas and his wife, Catherine Zeta Jones. She's gone on a trip to China to play golf. They construe this as abandonment.

Since the Douglas family is keeping a positive view of things, it might also be construed as two people living their lives as they would normally.

Best wishes to Michael, Catherine, their family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Michael Douglas has three months to live

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 8 November 2010

Previously, the Globe said this would be Michael Douglas' last Thanksgiving, which put him on the Expiration Date list. Now, the Enquirer gives him three months to live, which moves the time table up. The Star, Globe and Enquirer have been taking turns beating up on Michael and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones, who is said to be keeping secrets from him in this headline.

Best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Brave Last Days Alert and Love Bird Alert:Michael Douglas' parting gifts for Catherine Zeta-Jones

Publication: Star
Date: 1 November 2010

The AMI kennel is still trying to kill Michael Douglas off. This week in the Star, Michael Douglas is giving Catherine Zeta-Jones good-bye presents of a new house and a new child.

Best wishes to Mr. Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:Michael Douglas feeding tube nightmare

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 November 2010

You might say that right thinking people are hoping for the best for Michael Douglas in his struggle against cancer, but obviously, editors at American Media, Inc. do not count as right thinking people. The story this week is that he weighs 145 lbs., had some sort of feeding tube nightmare and Catherine Zeta-Jones had a breakdown.

Stay classy, Flagship!

Michael Douglas changes his will

Publication: Star
Date: 25 October 2010

The Star continues with their campaign to wish the worst for Michael Douglas. Last week they said Douglas and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones were saying goodbye. This week they say he changed his will and use the phrase "last wishes".

This story could be true and it still wouldn't mean Michael Douglas isn't going to beat this thing. A lot of people faced with a situation that involves serious risk give new thoughts to their will, then they beat the odds. On the Letterman show, Douglas said the doctors gave him odds of 80% to beat this. Those sound pretty good.

Best wishes once again to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee:No hope for Michael Douglas

Publications: Globe, Star
Date: 18 October 2010

The entire AMI kennel has decided to jump on the "we want Michael Douglas to die" bandwagon. The Globe goes with the big headline NO HOPE and says friends think this will be his last Thanksgiving, which is not just a Brave Last Days alert but an expiration date. The Star says Michael and his wife Catherine Zeta Jones are saying goodbye.

This blog wishes Mr. Douglas and his family all the best. If it's any consolation, the tabloids have a bad track record of success with these predictions, and none of the people with expiration dates assigned have actually expired.

Catherine Zeta Jones cancer shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 September 2010

Only in the Enquirer will you read that Catherine Zeta Jones has cancer. You might think the Enquirer is a reputable news source because they broke the story about John Edwards being a man slut and Rush Limbaugh being a drug addict, but they also get a lot of stuff wrong. To me, this feels more like the Enquirer trying to play catch up with People for getting an exclusive with Michael Douglas when he told the world he has cancer.

I could be wrong, but that's not how the smart money bets.