Meanest story nominee: 271 lb. Chaz Bono collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

All in all, it's not a very mean week in the supermarket rags.  The low rent Examiner wasn't delivered in Oakland yet and the Globe eats up the majority of the cover with a "Where Are They Now?" story without any dire predictions of anyone dying. The meanest story in the consistently mean Enquirer has the following headlines, listed as "Exclusive breaking news!"

• 271 lb. Chaz colapses! 
• Friends race to save him

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Pregnant Kate collapses!

Publication: Star

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Kate Middleton's pregnancy is not a fact universally acknowledged in the supermarket rags, but the AMI kennel are very keen on the idea that she is with child and it's not going well.  Here are the headlines from the Star.

• Pregnant Kate collapses 
• Exclusive
• Frantic fight to save baby
• Ambulance called after William finds her unconscious on floor
• It happened here (caption on aerial photo)
• Terrifying medical drama at Prince Charles' Scottish retreat

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

We gotta collapser! Garth Brooks breaks down.

Publication: Globe

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Two separate stories about Garth Brooks in two of the Wicked Step Sister tabloids.  The low rent Examiner says there's a baby on the way, while the Globe says he has broken down in grief with all the bad news about the health of loved ones over the past few months.

 

Best wishes to Garth, his family and friends.

Meanest Story nominee: Johnny Depp's drinking is out of control.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Johnny Depp may be a certified movie star, but he's not a person the tabloids harp upon. There were some stories about him when he made The Tourist last year and got into orbit around the gossip star that is Angelina Jolie, but only the occasional mention other than that. This week, the Enquirer goes with a story that he is a mess along the lines of Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan, though without the headline making arrests. Here are the Enquirer's headlines.

• Johnny Depp's drunken collapse
• His booze bingeing is out of control

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Joan Kennedy collapse after the death of her daughter.

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Last week, two women who were daughters of prominent Democratic politicians both died at the very young age of 51. One was Eleanor Poling, daughter of Walter Mondale, and the other was Kara Kennedy, daughter of Ted and Joan Kennedy. The Globe tells us that Joan has collapsed after this bad news.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

We gotta collpser! Vanna collapses!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

The low rent Examiner tells a lot about their presumed demographic by producing gossip about Vanna White, who is only of interest to people who watch a lot of TV. Allegedly, they have an "exclusive" story about her having a crisis after a shocking report she's being fired.

We gotta collpser! Taylor Armstrong collapses!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

You might think the supermarket rags would realize that they are an important component in the horrible ecology of reality TV fame and the misery it causes.

Well, they might realize it, but most of them don't give a rat's ass.

One more story about Taylor Armstrong after her estranged husband (and accused wife beater) commits suicide.

Meanest story nominee: Obama breaks down after booze binge!

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The Globe tells us that Barack Hussein Montgomery Clift Obama cannot hold his liquor and has collapsed after a booze binge. According to the headline, rehab is the secret behind his recent $5 million vacation.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

We gotta collpser! Camilla's nervous breakdown.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us the Camilla Parker-Bowles is once again upset, or continues to be upset. If we accept the view of the Globe and the low rent Examiner, she's always in a bad mood about something. In any case, here are this week's headlines.

• She collapses in jealous fit over Kate
• "They love her! They hate me!"
  
  

I created a new label this week, "we gotta collapser" specifically for the stories in which people collpse. I went back and re-labeled stories in which variations of the word are used, and this one will be the 23rd time. As you might expect, women do more collapsing than men, delicate little flowers that they are, and while women of child bearing age get more cover stories than older women do by far, about half of the collapsing stories are about women past the age of menopause. For example, this is the third collapse in a year and a half for Camilla, so she's averaging about one every six months.

Meanest story nominee: Kate collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

The Flagship has three stories in one about celebrities in trouble on the cover this week, but because there are so few stories in general - especially because of the J. Lo divorce and the Lachey-Minnillo wedding - all three will get separate treatment.

According to the Enquirer, Kate Middleton collapsed on the recent tour and her husband has ordered bed rest, what with him being an old fashioned future monarch and all.

Lucky he didn't send her to the Tower. He can do that, you know. Sadly, he can't do it to Rupert Murdoch.

(Psych. The royals actually can't do that anymore.)

This is a nominee for Meanest story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Maria Shriver collapses.

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

According to the Globe, Maria Shriver collapsed just days before signing the divorce papers. Technically, she has filed for divorce, but most people use the phrase "divorce papers" to signify the finalization contract that both parties are compelled to sign.

In any case, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Nancy Reagan collapses as daughter poses nude!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Patti Davis! The 58 year old daughter of Ronald and Nancy Reagan is obviously upset that her brother Ron could give mom an aneurysm with his statement that Dad had Alzheimer's while in office, so she tries to give Nancy Dearest a full myocardial infarction by posing nude.

The low rent Examiner says the stunt had its intended effect and Nancy collapsed.

Stuff is always ruining her life. She's such a drama queen. Hon, just realize your kids hate you and move on with your life.

Karma's a bitch and so are you. Deal.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Cher collapses after Chaz releases tell-all book.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 May 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids really don't like Cher very much, and they aren't crazy about her son Chaz either. Supposedly, the diva has collapsed due to things written in Chaz's tell all book.

I don't believe it. Collapsing over the critical reception for Burlesque, that I could believe.

Demon Drugs and Demon Rum Alert™: Lady Gaga's family has an intervention.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 9 May 2011

Online gossip sources love Lady Gaga, the supermarket rags not so much. This year, only Star has mentioned her at all and both times it's to tell us she's taking way too many recreational concoctions. Here are the sub-headlines.

• family's last ditch attempt to save her
• drunk all day
• terrifying collapse
• coke & ecstasy

Who knows? Maybe she was born this way.

Damn You Fat Alert™: 200 lb. Kirstie Alley collapses backstage at Dancing With The Stars.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 28 March 2011

Get ready for a new spate of Dancing With The Stars stories as the contest begins. This week, the Star tells us that everyone's least favorite fat Scientologist Kirstie Alley collapsed backstage during rehearsals.

I don't watch the show, but I see online that the first episode was last night. The only "stars" in the cast that have previous tabloid appearances are Ms. Alley and Kendra Wilkinson.

Oprah's mom collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 February 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

How many moments of happiness does Oprah Winfrey deserve? If you ask that question to editors from the National Enquirer, they would consider zero to be a fair number. Oprah made a fuss about a big secret from her life being revealed on her show on Monday a week ago, when she introduced a sister she hadn't known about. According to the Flagship, Oprah's mom collapsed just after the show was filmed.

Stay classy, Enquirer!

You So Crazy Alert™:Lisa Marie collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 January 2011

Pick on Scientologists Day continues here at It's News 2 Them™, and this time it's The Flagship picking on Lisa Marie Presley, who they say collapsed recently. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Loses shocking 55 lbs. in 5 months!
• Husband rushes to save her as she falls to floor
• Flies to L.A. for treatment
• Health secret she's hiding
  

Okay, let me get a little mathy here. (Those who know me know I can't help it.) Five months is about 22 weeks, so that means she was losing two and a half pounds a week on average. That's not shocking, that's good steady progress. But by the rules of the AMI kennel, if a Scientologist does a thing, it is by definition shocking or bad. Gain weight, lose weight, FAIL to lose weight... bad, bad, bad!

Glad I could clear that up for anyone unclear on the concept.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Chuck Berry collapses on stage

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 17 January 2011

The Flagship reprints a story also reported in reputable news outlets that Chuck Berry collapsed on stage in a recent show in Chicago. The 84 year old legend of rock music is still maintaining a grueling tour schedule, and as always, the Enquirer could find a friend who thinks Chuck is working himself to death.

Again, this could have been a Meanest Story nominee this week, but I think it's true. Musicians from other musical styles often tour at very advanced ages, but giving an audience 100% of a Chuck Berry show is one hell of a lot of work.

Best wishes to Chuck Berry, his family and friends, from a fan.

You So Crazy Alert™:Camilla collapses!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 January 2011

In 2010, only two gossip rags suffered under the delusion that Americans want stories about Camilla Parker-Bowles, the Globe and the low rent Examiner. The first Camilla story of 2011 continues that pattern, as the low rent Examiner says she has collapsed as she realizes all her clever schemes to ruin the happiness of Wills'N'Kate have come to naught. She is quoted as saying "Now I'll never be queen!"

Demon Drugs Alert™:Angelina headed for rehab

Publication: Star
Date: 17 January 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! We get a triple dose of BrAngelina this week, the three stories having nothing to do with one another. The Star says Angelina was wasted in public, had a frightening secret collapse and Brad ordered her to "get help now". They also have a standalone headline "Heroin shocker!"

The website The Bosh has the details, and not surprisingly, they are not as sensational as the headlines make it sound. She looked tired at the Berlin grand opening of her movie The Tourist. She drinks wine in the evening and takes Ambien. She is not currently taking heroin and the mention of it was just the imagination of the writers at the Star.