Meanest story nominee: 271 lb. Chaz Bono collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

All in all, it's not a very mean week in the supermarket rags.  The low rent Examiner wasn't delivered in Oakland yet and the Globe eats up the majority of the cover with a "Where Are They Now?" story without any dire predictions of anyone dying. The meanest story in the consistently mean Enquirer has the following headlines, listed as "Exclusive breaking news!"

• 271 lb. Chaz colapses! 
• Friends race to save him

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee: Barbra Streisand battles deadly disease!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

There are two new additions to the Tabloid Vulture list this week and they battle it out for Meanest Story of the Week with Steve Jobs, who allegedly died because he was a Buddhist.  The Enquirer, which has previously published that Barbra Striesand is a hoarder whose marriage is on the rocks, now says she has a deadly cancer.  Here are the headlines.

• Breaking news! Streisand cancer bombshell!
• Barbra's battle with deadly disease
• Husband James by her side
• Her new nightmare after colon surgery

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bells Done Rung Alert™, albeit very quietly: Jen and Justin elope.

(photo by Terry Richardson)

Publication: Star
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Star promises an "Exclusive breaking news!" story that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have eloped. Here are the headlines.

• Jen & Justin married!
• They elope! No friends or family
• No prenup - she trusts him!
• Plus: she reconciles with mom, thanks to Justin
• All the details
  

The couple have denied this story already, but it's obvious they actually are seeing one another, so I nicked another picture of them, taken by a professional photographer where they actually look happy together.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™ and On the Rocks Alert: Oprah incensed as Gayle steals Stedman!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The Oprah/Gayle/Stedman triangle has been an unstable situation for some time now according to the gossip rags, but how about a curveball to throw it completely out of whack? Yes, Stedman is seeing Gayle according to the low rent Examiner. They call this "breaking news", the latest fad in these slow moving publishing dinosaurs, and of course, Oprah is furious.

On the rocks alert and Man Slut warning: Kris Humphries does his Ashton Kutcher impression.

Publications: Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Here it is, October 20, but the magazine that hit the stand today are dated October 31. These Halloween gossip rags bring no treats for little hobbit hottie Kim Kardashian and her orc groom Kris Humphries. Earlier stories of trouble in their months old marriage were all over the place, but this week two magazines have agreed on a narrative.

Kris is a man slut and Kim is going to kick him to the curb. Here are the headlines.

• Star: Breaking News
  Kim & Kris THE END
  'He never really loved her' - shocking tell-all
  Kris leaves town alone
  She catches him with two women
  They taunt Kim with the details
  Now: a divorce lawyer
• Weekly Life & Style: Friends and family confirm
  Headed for a split!
  Has Kris cheated already?
  Kris caught with a blonde at 5 a.m.
  Kim's ring is off
  Inside their screaming fights
  The Kardashians scramble to protect their millions
  

Breaking news (?): Why Jen's in tears.

Publication: OK!
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Yet another headline with the phrase "Breaking News!" this week, this time about Jennifer Aniston being in tears. Having seen the news in other places, she's doing publicity for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and she got misty eyed listening to the stories of survivors at a treatment center in Virginia.

By all means, women should have regular check-ups, because early detection is the most important tool we have in fighting this disease.

Breaking news (?): Garth Brooks' cancer tragedy.

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Two different gossip magazines promised "breaking news" this week, which is not really possible in this era of the 24 hour news cycle for a magazine that has its front page set by Tuesday and hits the stands on Thursday. The Globe website tells us that Trisha Yearwood's mom has died from cancer. Last year, the low rent Examiner told us Garth's ex-wife Sandy also has a bad prognosis with cancer.

Best wishes to all concerned.