Bells Done Rung: Kim Z.'s wedding album

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

News has been slow on the Real Housewives front for a few weeks now, but Kim Zolchiak just had a modest little $1,000,000 wedding and Weekly Life & Style thought we in the 99% would like to see pictures from this opulent display.

Bells Done Rung™: Drew Barrymore's secret wedding

Publication: Star

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Drew Barrymore!  Star's exclusive story that she is secretly married is her first mention in the supermarket rags in two years.

Drew Carey gets mentioned more often.  John Barrymore gets mentioned more often.

Okay, I made that last one up.

Bells done Rung™: Susan Sarandon's daughter Eva weds.

(photo: Brian Merritt/Getty Images)

Publication: People

Date: 14 Nov 2011

Welcome to the kid's table in gossip hell, Eva Amurri!  The actress from Californication got married recently, but she is referred to as Susan Sarandon's daughter.  Her husband, soccer player Kyle Martino, and her father, director/actor Tim Robbins, were not worth mentioning at all, at least on the cover.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Bells Done Rung™: Oprah's marriage shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

The Enquirer has some fresh trash about Oprah, an alleged marriage some 30 years ago.  Here are the headlines.

• Secret husband she has been hiding for 30 years
• picture revealed inside
• Exclusive: Husband speaks to Enquirer
  

Bells Done Rung™ alert: Bachelorette Deanna gets married.

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Deanna Pappas was on The Bachelorette a few years back, and now she's married, but not to a guy she met on the show.

Big surprise.

Bells Done Rung™: Elizabeth Edwards' daughter Cate weds.

(photo courtesy flynet)

Publication: People

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

People wants us to know that Cate Edwards, the daughter of the late Elizabeth Edwards, recently got married.

Technically, she also has to be the daughter of the under indictment scumbag John Edwards, but his name isn't mentioned.

Bells Done Rung Alert™, albeit very quietly: Jen and Justin elope.

(photo by Terry Richardson)

Publication: Star
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Star promises an "Exclusive breaking news!" story that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have eloped. Here are the headlines.

• Jen & Justin married!
• They elope! No friends or family
• No prenup - she trusts him!
• Plus: she reconciles with mom, thanks to Justin
• All the details
  

The couple have denied this story already, but it's obvious they actually are seeing one another, so I nicked another picture of them, taken by a professional photographer where they actually look happy together.

Bells Done Rung Alert™: Exclusive wedding albums

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip heck, Nikki Reed! The actress from the Twilight series got married and Us ran pictures from her wedding album.

Shannen Doherty also got married. Us tells its readers that she had three gowns. I'm no fashion expert, but I hope the other two looked better than this one.

Bells Done Rung Alert™ and co-Meanest Story of the Week: Paul McCartney and Nancy Shevell.

Publications: National Enquirer, Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Two stories about a 68 year old Beatle getting hitched for the third time, and they are as different as chalk and cheese. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Paul's wedding!
  How he found love again
• National Enquirer: Paul McCartney
  Bride linked to the mob!

There will be two stories about death in contention for Meanest Story of the Week as of tomorrow, but to tell a story like this about a bride has to count as Co-Meanest Story of the Week, and so I have named it.

Bells Done Rung Alert™: The secret wedding of Sandra and Ryan

Publication: Star
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! It's hard to tell what is true in the gossip rags unless you have heard it verified by the people involved or in more reputable sources, but you do have to admire the attention to detail in some of this phony baloney. Case in point, Star uses up most of the front cover to say that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds secretly married recently. Here are the headlines.

• Sandra & Ryan's secret Texas Wedding
• Shock of the year
• Backyard ceremony
• The best man: Louis!
• Only 25 guests

I love the idea that Louis was best man. I hope he didn't get carried away when he made the toast to the happy couple.

Bells Done Rung Alert™: The Wedding Album of Amy Smart and Carter Oosterhouse

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Amy Smart and Carter Oosterhouse! She's an actress and he's on HGTV, one of those cable networks I never watched even when I had cable. Us thinks it's newsworthy that they got hitched. Honest people can disagree.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Bells Done Rung™ already: Kim Kardashian's New York wedding (?!?)

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Things are back to normal in the supermarket rags, more or less. I made a new label for Kim'N'Kris, but her 6'9" husband has mysteriously disappeared.

It's all about Kim now. As if it was ever otherwise.

Weekly Life & Style has a headline that they had a wedding in New York City, but the actual vows were said last month in Montecito, CA. This was just another party with a honking huge cake.

Like these people need an excuse for a honking huge party.

Bells Done Rung™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: The Kim Kardashian honeymoon stories

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style

Date: 12 Sept. 2011



Now that they have actually gone down the aisle, it seems fitting that a new label be created for Kim'n'Kris. The stories about their short Italian honeymoon fill the covers of three supermarket rags this week. Here are the two of the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: (world exclusive) Honeymoon baby!
  
  Kim's spotted buying two pregnancy tests in Italy
  
  Cravings, fatigue and a growing bump
  
  she confirms to L&S "I CAN'T WAIT!"
• Us Weekly: (exclusive) Kim's honeymoon album
  
  "We want to start a family!"
  
  Kim shares her big news and personal stories from their Italian getaway
  
  All the photos!
  
  

Bells Done Rung™: The Kim Kardashian wedding stories.

Publications: People, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!, Star

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Only Ten Magazines That Matter treated the wedding of Kim Kardashian as a Big Damn Deal this week, with slightly less coverage than the Royal Wedding this spring, but more coverage than Chelsea Clinton last year.



Behold the power of reality TV.



Here are the headlines.

• People: Kim's wedding album
  
  The exclusive photos!
  
  only in People
  
  Gown! Guests! Glamour!
  
  Every delicious detail!
• In Touch: Kim's $400,000 wedding gift
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding album
  
  the ring, the dresses and that 7-foot cake
• Us Weekly: Kim's wedding
  
  fairy tale or fake?
  
  Inside her lavish $17 million I do's
• OK!: Kim's Fairy-tale wedding
• Star: Kim's wild wedding
  
  drunk stars and a shocking twist - only in Star

It's not surprising that Star would find a negative angle, but it is a little surprising that Us Weekly goes nasty, too. While I get the feeling there is some Kardashian backlash going on, the next logical step in the story is the pregnancy watch, and the gossip rags cannot help themselves when it comes to speculation about babies.



I don't think Kim is going away just yet. The rest of the Kardashian clan may be waning, but she has set herself up perfectly for the modern gossip industry.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert: Tara's surprise nuptials.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 29 August 2011



Tara Reid often appears on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, usually for being too skinny. In the spring of 2010, In Touch said she would be married in the summer of that year. Since her recent marriage is called a "surprise", I assume last year's engagement fell through and this is some new guy.



Best wishes to all concerned.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert: Sherri's Dream Day

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 29 August 2011



Welcome to gossip hell, Sherri Shepherd. Sherri gets about the nicest intro to the gossip rags possible, pictures of her wedding day.



Best wishes to all concerned.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert: Brooke Burke's beach vows.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 29 August 2011



Weekly Life & Style devoted about half the cover to Kim Kardashian's wedding this week and the other half was mentions of other celebrities who recently tied the knot, with the focus on the bride naturally. I could have tried to hunt down a new Brooke Burke picture, but I'm a dirty old man and I kind of like this one.



Best wishes to all concerned.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert: The wedding of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo got married in a quiet little ceremony that will be aired of TLC, a cable outfit that used to be The Learning Channel. They have since learned that dumb reality TV shows do better than actual educational stuff, so they give us this. Here are the headlines.

• People: Nick & Vanessa's wedding photos
  (Only in People)
• Weekly Life & Style: Nick & Vanessa's beach wedding
• Us Weekly: Nick & Vanessa's private island Wedding
  
• OK!: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married
  

OK! did not have any cover art, which is an odd decision because they are a cute couple.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert: The wedding of Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 30 May 2011

Country stars Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert got hitched as Us Weekly has the details.

• Blake & Miranda's wedding
• all the exclusive photos
• why she wore her mom's gown
• the A-list guests, the down-home reception, the song he wrote for her

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Breaking news: Marie Osmond re-marries first husband Steven Craig

Marie Osmond has re-married her first husband Steven Craig, the somewhat less homophobic one. She chose the exact right time to make sure she wouldn't be on the cover of this week's gossip rags, which hit the stands tomorrow but have already been published.