Fussin' and Feudin' alert: Why Scarlett hates Blake!

 Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Us tells its readers that there is bad blood between actresses Scarlett Johannson and Blake Lively.  I did not open the magazine to find out why.

All I will say is that if these two decide to fight, I'm willing to offer my services as referee.

Man slut alert: Ashton Kutcher's wild nights after split

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

If we are to believe Us Weekly, Ashton Kutcher is going out and having fun since Demi Moore tossed him out of the house.

If we believe the gossip rags in general, this means the divorce hasn't changed his routine at all.

Love bird alert™: J. Lo's new man meets her kids.

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

For the record, the guy now squiring Jennifer Lopez is named Casper Smart.

Going on the record, I think the only thing smart about him is his last name.

I mention his name because eventually some gossip rag will.  Right now, he's just "J. Lo's new boyfriend", so he gets no label yet.

Who know? Maybe they will become J-Casp or LoSmart or some other cute name.

Personally, I'm not holding my breath. I think he's romantic roadkill.

Bun in the Oven Alert™: Kourtney is pregnant!

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kourtney finally figures out how to get a little attention from the gossip rags after The Big Divorce by announcing her second pregnancy.  Here are the headlines.

• "Yes, I'm pregnant!"
• How she & Scott went from separate bedrooms to expecting baby No. 2 - and why she still won't marry him
   

Best wishes to all concerned.

On the rocks alert: Six stories about the Demi-Ashton divorce.

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, In Touch, Star

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Six cover stories about the Demi Moore-Ashton Kutcher divorce announcement this week.  The only magazine that might have put it on the cover and didn't was the Enquirer. The Globe and the low rent Examiner aren't interested in people this young, except for British royalty.

Here are the headlines.

• People:  Demi & Ashton split
  Inside the final days
  $290 million divorce
  The real story
  Their "intense" fights
  A desperate last-ditch trip to save the marriage
  how age, cheating and insecurity domed them
• OK!: Ashton & Demi divorce
  Why she finally left
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Demi finally left Ashton
• Star: Demi divorce bombshell
  Ashton's new lies
• In Touch: The final insult
  What Demi found!
• Us Weekly: How Demi got the courage to dump Ashton

This week's stories about Jennifer Lopez's love life.

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Lots of stories about J. Lo this week in the gossip rags.  There are two stories about her love life and she's mentioned in a "Stylists Tell All" grab bag that will be covered tomorrow.  Here are the love life headlines.

• In Touch: J. Lo: Dating a criminal
• Us Weekly: Sex with her ex:J. Lo and Marc's secret hookup

Kim'N'Kris: Three stories on Turkey Day about these turkeys

Publications: Us Weekly, OK!, Weekly Life & Style

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The number of Kim'N'Kris stories went up to three this week, including two lead stories. Last week, it was only two stories with one being a lead.  Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Husband from hell
  The truth comes out
  He hit on other women, called Kim FAT and mocked her family
  Why she couldn't fake it anymore
• Weekly Life & Style: The Kardashians' biggest fear:
  Kris sues Kim for $10 million
  Now it's war!
  The Kardashians go ballistic as Kris' family exposes all their dirty secrets 
• OK!: Breaking news: Kim & Kris talk reunion

Once again, OK! cements its reputation as the nicest if not most reliable of the gossip rags. The idea that they are getting back together again is extremely far-fetched if there is a shred of truth in all the other dozens of stories we've been bombarded with over the past two months.  In fact, you have to go back to late September to find the last positive cover story about Kim'n'Kris, when OK! reported she was pregnant.

Love Bird Alert: Cameron and Diddy - a shocking new couple

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

 

Fresh trash tomorrow!  Last trash of the week... right now!

 

 Us Weekly calls Cameron Diaz and Diddy (or P. Diddy or Puff Daddy or Sean Combs or whatever name he is using now) a "shocking new couple".

I personally am not shocked.  They are both rich, famous and single, he's 42 and she's 39 so there isn't a massive age difference or any thought of them being "too young". They both seem to be in it for a good time.

Is interracial dating shocking in 2011?

 

Honey, please.

Love Bird Alert™: Rob wants to marry Kristen

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Now that the latest installment of Twilight is out, the level of planted crap has to rise.

It's like a law of physics or something.

In any case, Rob want to marry Kristen, according to this headline.  Under my cynical hermit crab shell there is still a little bit of romantic that hopes this is true.  They look so cute in this picture.

This week's Demi and Ashton headlines.

 Publications: National Enquirer, Star, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

More stories this week about Demi and Ashton than there are about Kim Kardashian.  Could the supermarket rags be getting over her at last?  It's early, but I think it's also possible.  Here are the Ashton-Demi headlines, printed mere hours before the divorce proceedings were made public.

• National Enquirer:  Demi's face is melting!
  Ashton's cheating is taking a toll
  (now and 6 months ago)
• Star: Exclusive details
      Demi: How 'Open Marriage' destroyed her
• Weekly Life & Style: January's baby: Is Ashton the dad?
• Us Weekly: Ashton & Demi's vacation to save their marriage

A lot of magazines have been predicting the divorce for a while, so I'm not handing out a scoop for this one, but if the rumor about January Jones' baby is true, that could very well have been the last straw.

Bundle of joy alert: Tori Spelling's new daughter Hattie.

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

Tori Spelling has been the target of a lot of bad gossip, but now she gets the nicest possible story, showing the world her healthy new baby, a daughter named Hattie.

On the goofy name scale, Hattie is more old-fashioned than goofy (Aleph, go enjoy your play date with Apple!), and even though it looks like she might not even have opened her eyes yet, she is just adorable and this blog wishes her and all concerned all the happiness in the world.

 

Damn you skinny alert: Mariah Carey loses the baby weight.

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

Us says Mariah Carey has lost a lot of the weight she gained while pregnant.  Here are the headlines.

•  30 lbs. in three months
• I got my body back
• Mariah's easy day-by-day plan that you can do
• Her life at home with the twins

On the rocks and Love Bird alerts: Lauren Conrad's love life.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

For most reality TV stars, being without a show on the air is something like a fish being out of water.  But in terms of celebrity, Lauren Conrad must be part lungfish because the gossip rags still care about her.  Her Hills co-star Heidi Montag might just explode from jealousy.

Then again, Heidi might explode from too much plastic surgery.

In any case, here are the headlines. 

• Weekly Life & Style:  LC & Derek: It's over!
• Us Weekly: Lauren & Chace hooking up

For those of you not on a first name basis with every celebrity less than 40, Derek is Derek Hough from Dancing With The Stars and Chace is Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Feud on Dancing With The Stars!

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow!  Last trash of the week... right now!

Us Weekly reports that dirty tricks are being played on Derek Hough of Dancing With The Stars and has a picture of Maks Chmerkovsky included, which makes one assume he is the perpetrator.

On the Rocks alert: Rob & Kristen: Inside their tortured love

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

It's been nearly a half year since a Rob and Kristen story has been on the cover of an American gossip rag, but as the release of the latest film draws nigh, I expect there will be a few more over the coming weeks.

Bun in the Oven Alert: Jessica Simpson admits her pregnancy.

Publications: People, Us Weekly, OK!

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  Jessica Simpson and Kim Kardashian helped prove a point this week.  If you want publicity about something in your life, announce it on a Monday.  This gives the supermarket rags exactly enough lead time to get the story on the cover of the magazines that will be announced on their websites on Wednesday and available on newsstands on Thursday.  

 

People, Us Weekly and OK! have stories about the pregnancy which Jessica has finally confirmed after a month of rumors which this time turned out to be true.  Here are the headlines.

• People: Baby update! Jessica Simpson
• Us Weekly: Jessica Talks: "I can't wait to meet my baby!"
• OK!: Jess having twins

The website GossipCop says the twins part is not true.

Best wishes to all concerned.

On the rocks alert: The divorce of Kim'n'Kris makes the cover of SEVEN gossip rags.

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

Fresh trash... on Wednesdays!  Yes, we get a story covered in seven supermarket rags, the most of any story in at least two years.

It's official!  I now hate Kim Kardashian's guts.  After nearly two years for not caring one way or the other, her obvious timing of ending her marriage for maximum exposure in the supermarket rags convinces me that she is exactly why the 99% should consider our modern society all out class warfare.

Here are the headlines from all seven magazines, which should be counted as a clean sweep. (The Globe and low rent Examiner skew too old for Kris, and the Sun is only interested in the End of the World.)

• People: Kim's 72-day marriage: Mistake or fake?
  The real story
  Exclusive details
  What drove her to divorce now
  Husband Kris blindsided
  Just another reality TV stunt?
• In Touch: $500 Million Divorce!
  The shocking betrayal that could void Kim's prenup!
• OK!:  Kim files for divorce: "We're done!"
  After only 72 days!
  Why Kim felt trapped, embarrassed and tricked
  Kris' ultimatum: "Me or your family"
  He throws a divorce party
  Kim tells OK!: "This isn't easy"
• Weekly Life & Style: First interview only in Life&Style
  Why I left him
  An embarrassed Kim: 'There was nothing else I could do'
  Kris wants the ring back: 'She used me!'
  Ex-boyfriend Reggie asks to reunite
• Star: Kim: single & pregnant
  Divorce bombshell
  Showdown over baby ended marriage
• National Enquirer: After divorce papers filed…
  Kim & Kris' wedding scam exposed!
  photo proof inside
• Us Weekly:  My Big mistake
  Inside their final days
  Why Kim almost called off the wedding
  Their nasty private fights
  Did they marry for love or money?

 I have only one comment.  If Reggie Bush really wants to get back into the middle of this circus, he should get tested for concussion related brain damage.

Bells Done Rung™ alert: Bachelorette Deanna gets married.

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Deanna Pappas was on The Bachelorette a few years back, and now she's married, but not to a guy she met on the show.

Big surprise.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Ricki Lake loses 20 lbs.

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Ricki Lake!  The actress and talk show hostess has recently lost weight while working out on Dancing With the Stars and this is being reported in a good way, one of the few weight stories this week with a positive slant.  Good for her.

On the rocks alert: This week's Kim'N'Kris news, all bad.

Publications: People, In Touch, OK!, Star, Us Weekly
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The lyricist Fran Landesman died this year. One of her best known songs from the 1950s is The Ballad of the Sad Young Men, which has this opening verse.

Sing a song of sad young men,
Glasses full of rye.
All the news is bad again so
Kiss your dreams goodbye.

I don't know if it was really Kris Humphries' dream to marry a glamour girl, but if it was, I feel a little sorry for him. Here are the headlines about their marriage, barely two months old and already circling the drain, if we accept the stories on five gossip rag covers this week.

• People: Kim on married life: "It's not been ideal."
• OK!: Kris begs Kim: "Don't leave me!"
  His humiliating apology to Kim
  He comes clean about the other women
  Kim speaks candidly to OK! on what she hates about Kris
• In Touch: Inside Kim's fake marriage
• Star: Kim moves out!
  She's sick of Kris spending all her money
• Us Weekly: Enough!
  After a vicious fight Kim tells Kris: Stop mooching and get to work!
  As Kim worries she made the mistake of her life, can she save her marriage?