On The Rocks Alert and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Jessica's baby crisis!

Publication: OK!

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Jessica Simpson is getting a lot of coverage in the past few months about her long rumored and now confirmed pregnancy and possible trouble with upcoming wedding. She got the ring a year ago, so you can hardly say she's rushing things.  Here are the headlines.

• Doctor's shocking warning
• At war with her fiance
• Jessica admits: "This is difficult"
• How much more can she take?
  

Bun in the oven alert™ and on the rocks alert Jessica Simpson, pregnant and betrayed!

Publication: OK!

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The gossip rags have it in for Jessica Simpson in general, and you know it's bad when OK!, the nicest if not the most reliable of the gossip rags, joins in on the dogpile.  Here are the headlines.

• The real reason the wedding's on hold
• The nasty battle over the prenup
• Jessica fights to protect her $700 million fashion empire

Bells are Ringing alert™: Jessica's wedding dress meltdown.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! About a year ago, the story was being told that Jessica Simpson was rushing into marriage with Eric Johnson, the former football player.  They are still not married but they are still together, so she's at least two points up on Kim Kardashian in that regard. In Touch says she's having trouble with the wedding dress, which could have something to do with her being pregnant and showing quite a bit.

Bun in the Oven Alert: Jessica Simpson admits her pregnancy.

Publications: People, Us Weekly, OK!

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  Jessica Simpson and Kim Kardashian helped prove a point this week.  If you want publicity about something in your life, announce it on a Monday.  This gives the supermarket rags exactly enough lead time to get the story on the cover of the magazines that will be announced on their websites on Wednesday and available on newsstands on Thursday.  

 

People, Us Weekly and OK! have stories about the pregnancy which Jessica has finally confirmed after a month of rumors which this time turned out to be true.  Here are the headlines.

• People: Baby update! Jessica Simpson
• Us Weekly: Jessica Talks: "I can't wait to meet my baby!"
• OK!: Jess having twins

The website GossipCop says the twins part is not true.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Breaking news: Jessica Simpson confirms she's pregnant, one month after the first gossip rag mention.

Publication: Her website 

 Date: 31 Nov. 2011

Jessica Simpson is finally admitting what has been speculation for several weeks now, that she is pregnant with her fiance Eric Johnson child.  The first rumor was almost exactly a month ago from In Touch, so they get a belated Scoop of the Week.

Bun in the oven alert™: More rumors about Jessica Simpson. Including the gender of the as yet unconfirmed child.

Publications: In Touch, OK!
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The rumors about Jessica Simpson being pregnant started three weeks ago. Now there are more stories, including the original reporter (or fabricator) of the story In Touch saying they know the gender. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Jessica Simpson: Yes, I'm having a baby
  Jessica silences her weight critics by finally revealing her big news!
• In Touch: Jessica baby joy!
  It's a girl!

There has still been no confirmation from Jessica's representatives.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Jessica pregnant bride!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Jessica Simpson is not a supermarket rag superstar. This will be her 13th cover story this year, mostly about her marrying the wrong guy and having struggles with her weight. For the second week in a row, the two stories intertwine with the rumors that this time, her struggle with weight is because she is heavy with child. She has not confirmed or denied this latest flurry yet.

Bun in the oven alert™: Jessica Simpson is pregnant!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 10 Oct 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Jessica Simpson, she of the big eyes, white teeth, large breasts and small brain, is supposed to be pregnant. In Touch has this story exclusively and adds the details of "kooky cravings and a $14,500 crib" in the sub-headline.

She was also supposed to be pregnant back last December, which accounted for her hurry to get married.

Note that it will be October this weekend, she is not married and so far, she has confirmed no pregnancy.

UPDATE: Jessica confirmed the pregnancy on Halloween, almost exactly a month later, so as the first story of her pregnancy in the proper time frame, this story gets a belated Scoop of the Week.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Jessica Simpson postpones her wedding.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Yet again, a celebrity story is on the cover of a supermarket rag without any artwork, so it gets the nod for Least Interesting Story of the Week. I'm sneaking it into the extended Thursday line-up because we have two Jessica Simpson stories that disagree with one another.

Besides no artwork, OK! reported the same story two weeks ago. This means Us is two weeks late and a picture short.

For shame, I say, for shame!

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™: Jessica Simpson's wedding on hold!

Publication: OK!
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson have been an item since July of last year. A lot of the stories about them focused on them rushing things. Supposedly, she was racing her ex Nick Lachey to see who would get married first.

She lost that race.

Now, OK! reports the wedding is on hold, which as far as I can tell is exactly what her family wants.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Jessica and Nicole catfight!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Us tells it readers about a catfight between Jessica and Nicole. Of course, in the gossip world there are a bunch of Jessicas and several Nicoles as well.


The Jessica is Simpson.


The Nicole is Richie.

What they are fighting about, I have no idea. You'll have to buy the magazine yourself.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Trouble for three soon to be brides.

Publication: Star

Date: 29 August 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! Star devotes most of the cover to three soon to be brides and the troubles that face them.

Christina: Secret ceremony

Jessica: Panic, tears and cold feet

Kim Last-minute dramatic texts from her ex!



There are also pink dots between the stories that have these headlines.

• Guess who's being betrayed by her man
• Revealed! Find out who's pregnant
  
  

Stay classy, Star!

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Bride wars: Kim vs. Jess!

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Could we go a whole week Kardashian free in the The Only Ten Magazines That Matter? Well, it is technically possible, it's just damned rare. We got as close to zero as we can without actually being zero when there is just a half a story about Kim Kardashian having a "bride war".

The other combatant is Jessica Simpson, so it kinda counts like half a story for each.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Jessica Simpson to wed in Hawaii.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Back in December, there were a bunch of stories about Jessica Simpson "racing to the altar". Here it is July and the wedding is still yet to come, so it seems like a pretty leisurely "race". The latest detail is the wedding will take place in Hawaii.

Best wishes to the happy couple.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Gossip-worthy brides get slim for their big days

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

It's every girl's special day. No, I don't mean the release on DVD of her sex tape, I'm talking about her wedding! And when walking down the aisle, much like on the sex tape, no young woman wants everyone thinking "Damn! She should lay off the cheeseburgers!"

So both Weekly Life & Style and OK! tell us about Kim Kardashian, this week's second biggest star in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter behind Bachelorette Ashley, doing her best to get in porn star shape for that special night when she and her new husband will do whatever they have been doing for the past several months now.

OK! also mentions Jessica Simpson getting trim for her trip down the aisle.

From pictures I've seen recently, she has more work to do than Kim K. does.

I'm cruel, but fair.

Damn You Fat Alert™: Jessica Simpson drunk and crying over her weight.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 30 May 2011

Two very different stories about Jessica Simpson in the tabs this week. Star says she's upset over her weight, and gets drunk and weepy about it.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Jessica Simpson's $1 million wedding.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 30 May 2011

In Touch lets us know that Jessica Simpson is planning to have a wedding that will cost $1,000,000. That sounds like a lot, but her clothing line has been generating $1 billion in sales a year and her net worth is in the $100 million range, so this little shindig will not be putting her in the poorhouse.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™: Best and worst celebrity diets, March 2011

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 March 2011

I'm being a little dishonest using this picture to illustrate the Flagship's most recent foray into good and bad celebrity bodies. This picture is supposed to represent an attractive young woman on a diet that works. The Enquirer is also dishonest in their headline, because there is no "best" on the list this week. Everyone is either too fat, scary skinny of over-exercises.

Too fat: Gabourney Sibide (350 lbs.), Jessica Simpson (packs on 25 pounds)
Too skinny: Tara Reid (bag of bones), Gwyneth Paltrow (about 100 lbs.)
Arms too well defined: Cameron Diaz, Sarah Jessica Parker

This is in keeping with the general concept that the National Enquirer doesn't like anybody.

On the rocks alert: Jessica Simpson is a homewrecker!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 January 2011

While it doesn't have the international star power of Wills'N'Kate, the upcoming marriage of Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson is every bit as interesting to The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. There are many angles to play in this little love match. First is that she's dumb as a post and second is that he's a gold digger, but when those two don't move the magazines off the shelves, let's go back to the idea that she's a homewrecker.

Jessica betrayed!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 20 December 2010

Here are the facts as far as I can tell from a long distance away from the source. Jessica Simpson is getting married former NFL tight end Eric Johnson and somebody closer to this circus thinks this is a tremendously bad idea. The sub-headlines read:

• Eric's secret past
• fling with cheerleader
• studied books on how to snag a rich woman
• ex warns: he's a freeloader
• tricked into no pre-nup

I don't know the guy and the bad things the headlines say might be true. After her reality TV show aired all those years ago, she got the reputation of being an airhead after she was shown to be confused by a tuna can that read "Chicken of the Sea".

That's ignorant. We are all ignorant about something.

Not signing a pre-nup agreement when marrying a guy who doesn't have a job.

That's stupid.