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Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and On the Rocks Alert: Jen and Justin getting married or breaking up.

Publications: In Touch, Star

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

 

Justin Theroux gets on the cover of two magazines this week, both mentions in his role as Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend.  Here are the headlines.

• Star: Jen engaged (picture of Justin)
  Star exclusive!
  See the ring
• In Touch: Jen & Justin headed for a split

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Holiday Weddings for Kourtney and Jen!

Publication: OK!

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  Us Weekly and OK! are pointing in opposite directions this week in regards to the possible marriage of Kourtney Kardashian.  OK!, no longer the nicest mag (overtaken by People) but still among the least reliable, says Jennifer Aniston is getting hitched before New Year as well.  Here are the headlines.

• Why they're both rushing to marry before the new year
• PLUS: who has a baby on the way - already!

Bells are Ringing (yet again) Alert™: Kristin Cavallari engaged again.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

 

It is the rare reality TV star who can get good press in the supermarket rags a year and a half after her show is off the air, but Kristin Cavallari appears to be that rare individual.  Weekly Life & Style thinks their readers still want to know about her love life, but not enough to put a picture of her intended on the cover.  You'll have to open the magazine to find out to whom she is engaged, and that is something I don't do on general principles.

Bells are ringing alert: Prince Harry proposes to Kate's sister!

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The royal wedding this year turned Pippa Middleton into a gossip star on this side of the Atlantic.  On this week's cover, the Globe says Prince Harry has proposed to "Kate's sister", but on their website they make it clear it's Pippa.

I don't believe it for a second, but I publish this stuff regardless of believability.  That's kind of the point.

All this week's BrAngelina mishegas before Turkey Day.

Publications: OK!, In Touch

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

I have written it before but it bears repeating. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie don't actually have to do anything newsworthy to show up on the covers of the gossip rags, they just have to exist.

Here are this week's headlines.

• In Touch: Angelina ruins Thanksgiving!
• OK!: Brad & Angie: Wedding rehearsal

While only Angie is mentioned in the cover headline of In Touch, the picture is of both, so it counts as a BrAngelina story instead of a solo.

Bells are Ringing alert™: Jessica's wedding dress meltdown.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! About a year ago, the story was being told that Jessica Simpson was rushing into marriage with Eric Johnson, the former football player.  They are still not married but they are still together, so she's at least two points up on Kim Kardashian in that regard. In Touch says she's having trouble with the wedding dress, which could have something to do with her being pregnant and showing quite a bit.

Bells Are Ringing™ alert: Halle Berry to wed for the third time.

Publication: Star

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow!  Last trash of the week... right now!

 

Star has an exclusive story that Halle Berry is going to get married for the third time.  Her groom is not mentioned.

This gives me an excuse to put this picture of her up again.

Which I like.

'Cos she's purdy.

All this week's news all three Kardashian sisters.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The troubled marriage of Kim Kardashian is sucking most of the oxygen out of the room in their tiny gossip world, but Weekly Life & Style decides to do a cover about all three sisters. Here are the headlines.

• Three Kardashian exclusives
• Khloe's new nose
• Tears on Kim's b-day
• A ring for Kourtney
  

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Another Kardashian wedding!

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Getting all the Kardashian stuff out of the way early, we have OK! saying Kourtney and her longtime boyfriend/scumbag Scott Disick are going to get married.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kristin's wedding is back on!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Only one supermarket rag is still interested in ex-reality TV star Kristin Cavallari, and that's Weekly Life & Style. They had a story in May about her getting in engaged, a story in August about her groom getting cold feet and a third story now about the wedding being back on.

I agree with the editorial position of the other nine of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. I do not give a rat's ass what happens to Kristin Cavallari.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Britney wedding news!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Earlier this month, Britney Spears called boyfriend Jason Trawick her husband in a radio interview, and several gossip sources are trying to turn this into proof she will soon marry. The couple says they have no such plans.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Jessica pregnant bride!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Jessica Simpson is not a supermarket rag superstar. This will be her 13th cover story this year, mostly about her marrying the wrong guy and having struggles with her weight. For the second week in a row, the two stories intertwine with the rumors that this time, her struggle with weight is because she is heavy with child. She has not confirmed or denied this latest flurry yet.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Pippa engaged!

Publication: People
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

People says Pippa Middleton is engaged. I have not found independent confirmation.

I would hate to see People become as unreliable as OK!

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: A ring for Jen!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Three different stories about Jennifer Aniston's alleged upcoming wedding this week, but only In Touch makes it the biggest story on the cover. Here are the headlines.

• Inside the romantic proposal
• A "unique" and "meaningful" ring
• She calls Justin her "soul mate"
• Finally! A long-time friend shares how they fell in love on the set!

Maybe it's just me, but seeing so many quotation marks around words makes it hard to take this story at face value.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Jen's wedding in Mexico!

Publication: OK!
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! A lot of gossip stars make multiple appearances on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, with very different versions of their lives being told.

Let's start at the top with Jennifer Aniston. OK! says she's getting ready for a wedding in Mexico and the headline under her picture reads 'Brad won't ruin my big day'.

Her current beau is not named or is there a picture of him, so I run this picture of Jen and Brad from happier times.

Or from the time when he was a sluggard stoner couch potato and she was no help.

It all depends on who you talk to and when.

Weekly World News alert: O.J.'s hush-hush prison wedding!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Sun didn't have a useful headline this week, but it was close. It said Nostradamus had predictions for 2012, but it gave nothing specific on the cover and I don't open these magazines up.

On the other hand, the Weekly World News did have a headline worth reporting, a story about O.J. Simpson's "hush-hush" wedding inside prison. The sub-headline reads "You'll never guess who the bride is!"

Again, I didn't open the magazine up, but factoring in that it's reported in the Weekly World News, my guess would be the bride is O.J.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert: Angie plans to ruin Jen's wedding.

Publication: OK!
Date: 26 Sept. 2001

OK!, the most positive scandal rag if not the most reliable, doubles down on the cover story with two unsubstantiated rumors, the marriage plans of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, allegedly planning to wed in December, AND the wedding plans of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Of course, their take in the situation is that the witch Angelina is planning on getting married just to ruin Jennifer's wedding.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The stories of the reconciling of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are just a few weeks old and Weekly Life & Style has a headline that reads "Justin & Jessica: Finally a wedding".

Color me unconvinced.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Teresa renews her vows with jailbird Joe.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Teresa Giudice, she of the low forehead and scary eyebrows, is renewing her vows with her husband Joe, who is supposed to be heading to The Big House, if memory serves. Here are the headlines.

• A wedding to save the relationship
• Exclusive photos
• Despite Joe's drunken bullying, Teresa refuses to leave him.
• Inside their emotional - over-the-top second wedding

Tammy Wynette would be proud.