Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Holiday Weddings for Kourtney and Jen!

Publication: OK!

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  Us Weekly and OK! are pointing in opposite directions this week in regards to the possible marriage of Kourtney Kardashian.  OK!, no longer the nicest mag (overtaken by People) but still among the least reliable, says Jennifer Aniston is getting hitched before New Year as well.  Here are the headlines.

• Why they're both rushing to marry before the new year
• PLUS: who has a baby on the way - already!

Bun in the Oven Alert™: Kourtney is pregnant!

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kourtney finally figures out how to get a little attention from the gossip rags after The Big Divorce by announcing her second pregnancy.  Here are the headlines.

• "Yes, I'm pregnant!"
• How she & Scott went from separate bedrooms to expecting baby No. 2 - and why she still won't marry him
   

Best wishes to all concerned.

On the rocks alert and man slut alert: Kourtney betrayed by Scott!

 Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  Over recent months, the lion's share of Kardashian stories have been about Kim, but this week Kourtney and her no-good boyfriend get a big cover spread on Weekly Life & Style. Here are the headlines.

• Betrayed: Scott's affair with Kristin
•     A devastated Kourtney calls off the wedding
•     Another Kardashian bombshell
•     Sleazy Scott caught with Kristin Cavallari in Vegas

And since she's mentioned, here's a picture of Kristin, a former reality TV star so definitely in Scott's league, but not a cash cow, so he might want to rethink this.

If what happens in Scott Disick's rum and testosterone fevered brain can be called thinking.

America's fakest family!

(picture cropped from Hollywood Reporter cover)

Publication: In Touch

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  There are six Kardashian cover stories this week, down from seven last week.  In Touch makes it about Kris Jenner and her daughters, thankfully leaving the adolescent daughters she's trying to pimp out of the story.  Here are the headlines.

• America's fakest family!
• Destroyed by greed!
• Kim's sham wedding is just the start!
• Inside their dirty money secrets: stealing ideas, a sketchy "church", even a Ponzi scheme scandal!

 

All this week's news all three Kardashian sisters.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The troubled marriage of Kim Kardashian is sucking most of the oxygen out of the room in their tiny gossip world, but Weekly Life & Style decides to do a cover about all three sisters. Here are the headlines.

• Three Kardashian exclusives
• Khloe's new nose
• Tears on Kim's b-day
• A ring for Kourtney
  

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Another Kardashian wedding!

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Getting all the Kardashian stuff out of the way early, we have OK! saying Kourtney and her longtime boyfriend/scumbag Scott Disick are going to get married.

Annoying label bookkeeping for Ryan for best and worst beach bodies of October 2011.

Link to the main story above.

On the rocks alert and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kim's marriage in trouble and the family members who will rat on her.

(Photo copyright Splash 2011)
Publications: Us Weekly, Star
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The new narrative emerges strongly this week in the Kardashian Family Circus. Kim's sisters hate her new husband and are clearly happy to rat to the gossip rags about any friction they see between the newlyweds. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Kim defends her love
  Her sisters hate Kris
  Khloe & Kourtney accuse Kris of using Kim for fame.
  How her new love is dividing her family
• Star: Kardashians tell all
  Newlywed Kim miserable already
  fighting over her fortune
  Kris tells Kim: I'm tired of faking it for TV
  Family turns against him

Bun in the oven alert™: Which Kardashian is pregnant?

Publication: OK!
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Since the beginning of 2010, the Kardashian sisters have had a total of zero babies. This has not stopped The Only Ten Magazines That Matter from telling us Kim or Kourtney or Khloe was pregnant, each of them multiple times. And pile on top of that record of unreliability the fact that this report is from the very nice but very unreliable OK!, there is a very good chance that whatever one they say is pregnant actually isn't.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Least interesting story of the week: Kourtney says "yes" to Scott.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 12 Sept. 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick make their return to the covers of the supermarket rags, but only as an afterthought. Weekly Life & Style has a big picture of Kim Kardashian and her new hubby Kris Humphries on the cover and a single headline with no picture that reads "Plus: Kourtney says 'yes' to Scott".



I'm not sure if the quotation marks around 'yes' are meant to signify an actual quote or some ironic comment by the headline writers.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kourtney & Khloe reveal secrets of Kim's wedding

Publication: OK!

Date: 22 August 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! For the past few months, Kim has been the only Kardashian sister of interest to the supermarket rags, but OK! bring Khloe and Kourtney back on the cover... to talk about Kim's wedding. The headline reads:



Obsessing over everything from the gown to the guest list, Kim's family promises she'll have the perfect day.

There is also a sidebar about other celebs giving advice, with a picture of Kendra Wilkinson, the only other reality TV star in the top ten of gossip rag cover stories over the past two years.

Annoying label bookkeeping for Kardashian secret wedding

Link to the story about the secret Kardashian wedding.

Buns in the oven alert™: More babies for reality TV moms.

Publication: OK!
Date: 18 July 2011

Welcome back to gossip hell, Kourtney Kardashian! Kim has been the vast majority of Kardashian cover stories in the supermarket rags since she announced her wedding plans, but this week OK! tells us Kourtney is pregnant before her wedding with her second child.

This rumor has been floated many times. We'll see if this one pans out sometime in 2012.

OK! also says Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant with a girl. OK! is the nicest of the gossip rags, but they are not the most reliable.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kardashians ripped apart by off-camera scandals!

Publication: Star
Date: 4 July 2011

Kourtney and Khloe have been nearly forgotten by the supermarket rags for awhile, even before Kim announced her wedding and sucked all the air out of the room. But this week, Star puts all three on the cover with plenty of dish to go around. Here are the headlines.

• New sex tape
• Custody battle
• Secret pregnancy
• Plus: the truth about their plastic surgery

The custody battle would have to be Kourtney, since she's the only one who has a kid, but the other stories could be about any of the three. You'll have to buy the magazine yourself to find out, since I don't open them up on general principles.

Buns in the oven alert™: Fresh horses for my men and babies for all the Kardashians!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 June 2011

Weekly Life & Style gives most of the cover to all three Kardashian sisters. While Kim is getting married and thereby sucking up most of the oxygen out of the room, Weekly Life & Style tells us the other two are pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Fertility doctor makes Khloe's baby dream come true
• Kourtney: Another baby before her wedding!
  
  

Best wishes to all concerned, with a proviso that every female Kardashian above the age of consent and younger than the age of menopause has allegedly been pregnant several times in the past eighteen months.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Hot Bodies 2011

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 6 June 2011

Nothing surprising about good looking celebrities in swimsuits on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. Nothing surprising to see Zac Efron and Kourtney Kardashian featured in such stories. The only slight surprise is to see Carrie Underwood in a bikini for the first time, but not such a surprise that she looks good in one.

Bad mom alert: Mom torments Kardashian sisters over their bodies.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 23 May 2011

In Touch calls out Kris Jenner as a nasty beeyotch ruining the lives of her daughters. Here are the details.

• Kourtney pressured to get Botox to erase crow's-feet
• Khloe delays baby plans for lip after Kris calls her 'fat'
• Kim agrees to a super-sized butt implant to stay famous

Doesn't being famous sound like super fun?

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™: Scott calls off the wedding.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 April 2011

There was talk in the tabloids about a wedding for Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick earlier this year, but people in the know denied it was true. Now we have Scott calling off the wedding that was never going to happen in the first place. Here are the lying details.

• BATTLE FOR THE BABY
• Kourtney explodes after shameless Scott demands custody of Mason. How greed and jealousy tore them apart.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Kourtney's flat abs secret.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 April 2011

It's been nearly a month since Kourtney Kardashian got a mention on the cover of a supermarket rag, but she gets two different ones this week for her two main points of interest, her hotness and her messed up love life. Us Weekly wants you to know her flat ab secret, but when you don't really have a job and have plenty of time to exercise and excellent incentive - like, if you're fat you'll lose your reality show - it's hard to call her success a secret.

Bun In The Oven Alert™ :$3 million baby for Kourtney and Scott

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 7 March 2011

Three different magazines have stories about the reproductive habits and capabilities of the Kardashian sisters who are above the age of legal consent this week. Weekly Life & Style has the someone vague headline "$3 Million baby for Kourtney".

I'm not sure if this means it will cost her $3,000,000 to be pregnant or if she stands to make $3,000,000 if she becomes pregnant. The way that family makes money by selling off their privacy, I'm guessing it's the latter.