Prophecy Alert™: What the Dead Sea Scrolls can tell us about the next 100 days!

Publication: Sun

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

 

For those of you keeping score at home, the Dead Sea Scrolls are re-discovered texts, most of the them of Old Testament books, probably written in the centuries just before the birth of Christ.  I haven't seen anyone serious say they are prophetic, but that has never stopped the Sun before.  They give us a few tidbits of 100 prophecies that are supposed to come true in the next 100 days, so let's call that March 10 of next year.

• Miracle turnaround in the economy
• Another sex scandal in the election

Let it be noted that the drop in unemployment from 9.0% to 8.6% happened after these prophecies were published, so that was pretty good news.  I'm gonna get all arbitrary and say unemployment under 8.0% is good news and 7.5% or under would constitute a miracle.

 

As for another sex scandal, if Cain, Perry and Gingrich stay in the race, the odds of that one are pretty good as well. I'm again going to be arbitrary and say Ginger White came forward before this hit the stands, so any sex scandal has to be after her.

I'll report back on March 10.

Weekly World News alert: Taxidermist survives 30 years on road kill.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

 

The Sun predicted the end of the world again this week, but didn't give a testable date so I won't print what they said.  This means the only contribution from that cover is the Weekly World News story about a taxidermist living on roadkill for 30 years.

Weekly World News alert: Titanic survivor finds love on remote island.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

If you've stopped by this blog before, you know I have a soft spot for the Weekly World News, the very silly tabloid that has seen better days. I keep hoping they will come up with a recurring character or theme as good as Batboy or the alien who endorses candidates, but that possibility seems remote.  They bring back a character from earlier this year on the cover, the Titanic survivor who is disgusted with the modern world and wants to go back to some remote island.  Now, she has found love there.

Isn't that nice?  Let's ignore the fact that the ship sank 99 years ago and just be happy for this hypothetical hermit.

Weekly World News alert: DNA scientists create Turkey-saurus!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

You know how scientists are when reported on in the Weekly World News.  They are wacky, possibly bordering on mad.  This worthy publication wants us to know the Jurassic Park movies are documentaries.  I think they might be a little premature.

Weekly World News alert: Missiles target Michelle Obama's bedroom

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

The Sun had nothing of interest as far as prophecies go on the cover this week, so it falls to the Weekly World News people to pick up the slack.  Missiles targeted Michelle Obama's bedroom allegedly.  The picture was of some hotel someplace and not the White House, so it must have been on one of her many lavish trips at taxpayer expense.

Weekly World News alert: Nutty scientist claims shocking new epidemic: snake flu!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Obviously, Samuel L. Jackson must be called in immediately.

Failed prophecy: Betty White does NOT buy World Series winning baseball team.

Publication: Sun

Date: 20 June 2011

Back in June, the Sun had a cover with four prophecies for this year, none of them about the end of the world.  One was that Miss Betty White would buy a baseball team and that team would win the World Series.

She is not part of the St. Louis Cardinal ownership.

Nostradamus predicts the 2012 election

Publication: Sun

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Are you among the people who accept any prophecy that has the name Nostradamus linked to it?

It's time you changed your mind.  The Sun puts a bunch of stuff on the front page predicting the 2012 election and one of them I am certain is complete bunk.

 

Welcome to gossip hell, Mitt Romney! Nostradamus says he will run afoul of the IRS.

Not impossible.

Barack Obama will have a health scare.

He's young, but all of us are mortal.  This is possible.

Sarah Palin will run as a Democrat.

Ah, hellz no, as we say in Oakland.  She's not running for office, she's too busy running after cash. People do switch parties, but the party has a say about it, too, and she's obviously a loser now.  She wouldn't switch and the Dems wouldn't take her.

I am so certain of this, I'm going to put the "Nostradamus fail" label on this one right now.  I will come back in November 2012 to check the others.

Skeeter Davis Alert™: 100 prophecies that will be true by the end of 2011. But only one on the cover.

Publication: Sun
Date: 31 Oct 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Sun says they have 100 prophecies that will come true before the end of 2011, which averages to more than one prophecy a day. The only one on the cover is that Jesus will return after al Qaeda attacks the United States on Thanksgiving Day.

Longtime readers know my rules. If they give a specific date and a specific event, I am honor bound to print it AND to report back to see if it happened.

The other think worth mentioning is the line-up of important prophets put on the cover. We have John the Baptist, Mary Magdalene, Black Elk, and at long last...

the return of...

Nikki, Psychic to the Stars!

I can even begin to say how much I've missed her.

Weekly World News alert: Alien skull found at Great Pyramid... and it speaks!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Sate: 24 Oct. 2011

The Weekly World News loves them some alien skulls. The last one was found on the White House lawn, but this latest on was found at the Great Pyramid AND it speaks!

So I think this one wins.

Skeeter Davis Alert™: The Mayans get everything right. On a ridiculously easy test.

Publication: Sun
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

My rules on printing predictions about the End of the World from the cover of the Sun are straightforward. If they give a date and events to expect by that date, I will print it.

On that date, I'll let folks know if any of the stuff came true.

Usually... not so much.

This time, the Sun says the Mayans are right because of these omens already coming true.

• Wildfires
• Terror threats
• Killer quakes
• Raging floods

These are supposed to happen before December 31, 2012. Even if we don't count the ones that have already happened this year, it's a stone cold lock that all these things will happen somewhere in the world in the next 62 weeks or so.

I guess when it comes to the End of the World, after you get it wrong so many times, you start grading on the curve.

Secret White House prediction: New depression just weeks away.

Publication: Sun
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Sun, the magazine that admits it makes everything up, changes gears this week. Instead of predicting the End Times by some date in the very near future, they are predicting a Great Depression by the end of 2011. Instead of saying its Nostradamus that foretold it, they say the source is secret White House documents. Here are the headlines.

• Secret White House prediction
• New Great Depression "just weeks away" 2011
• How to survive and never be homeless
• New prayer of Jabez for prosperity
  

I'll be honest. This is more believable than the other crap they print, but it doesn't change the fact they make stuff up. How would a magazine that just makes stuff up have a source in the White House?

In any case, they say it's going to happen before the end of the year, so I'll check back on New Years to confirm or deny.

Weekly World News alert: Al Gore missing in Amazon rain forest!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! As I have written many times before, I love the Weekly World News, but it is like being a fan of a once mighty dynasty that has fallen on hard times. I keep hoping they with come up with another "Bat Boy Found In Cave!" and week after week they disappoint. But this week, if anyone at that publication has a lick of sense, I think they have invented a running gag with real potential.

Al Gore is missing in the Amazon rain forest.

Just to make things clear, I don't "believe in global warming" any more than I "believe in gravity". These are scientific facts and my belief system don't enter into it. As for humans contributing to global warming, I have a hard time thinking it is otherwise.

But really, think about it! Every four to six weeks, Al Gore gets himself into another predicament in some endangered habitat! This would be HIGH-larious!

Example: Al Gore stranded on Arctic ice flow, drifting out to sea!

Try it yourself! Honestly, these things damn near write themselves.

I only hope someone at the Weekly World News has figured this out as well.

Who knows? Maybe they Google themselves from time to time and stumble upon this blog. Here's hoping.

Weekly World News alert: U.S. soliders ordered to stop breaking wind.

Publication: Weekly World News
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

The Weekly World News throws a curveball this week and reports a story actually covered in magazines that have fact checkers and editorial standards. Marines in Afghanistan have been ordered not to fart audibly in the presence of Afghan allies, who find the practice offensive.

Yes, true story in the Weekly World News. Makes you re-think your opinion of the two-headed Bigfoot shot dead on the White House lawn, doesn't it?

Okay, so maybe not.

I don't know if the military can actually create a breed of non-farting soldier. If so, it will rank right up there with the scientific effort it took to turn Steve Rogers into Captain America.

Weekly World News alert: Hillary served monkey brains at Brunei state banquet.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

I am at a loss for further comment.

Weekly World News alert: O.J.'s hush-hush prison wedding!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Sun didn't have a useful headline this week, but it was close. It said Nostradamus had predictions for 2012, but it gave nothing specific on the cover and I don't open these magazines up.

On the other hand, the Weekly World News did have a headline worth reporting, a story about O.J. Simpson's "hush-hush" wedding inside prison. The sub-headline reads "You'll never guess who the bride is!"

Again, I didn't open the magazine up, but factoring in that it's reported in the Weekly World News, my guess would be the bride is O.J.

Weekly World News alert: Five injured as greedy squirrel explodes.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

As a long time fan of the Weekly World News, I hope to see them return to their glory days.

As a Bay Area football fan, I feel much the same about the 49ers and the Raiders.

What the WWN needs is another great recurring character like Bat Boy back in the 1980's or the alien that endorses presidential candidates from the 1990s, a character used to this day.

The exploding greedy squirrel, alas, will not be that character.

As for what the Raiders and 49ers need, it's probably new ownership.

Also alas.

Three more prophecies for 2011! Doris Day's sad last days, you already know about.

Publication: Sun
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

The Sun comes through this week with four prophecies that they say will come true this year. I split off the prediction of Doris Day's death as a candidate for Meanest Story of the Week, and here are the three others.

First: Obama Election bombshell as U.S. economy collapses

It's hard to have a bombshell eleven months before the votes are cast, but let's take a watch and wait attitude.

Elvis: new autopsy shows how The King really died.

He died at the age of 42, grotesquely fat and drugged out of his mind.

Any questions?

Fatima - Angel reveals fourth prophecy secrets

There were only three prophecies and three kids at Fatima.

Technically, this one doesn't say anything specific, but I will check in on New Year's Day to see if we know anything new about Obama's re-election campaign or Elvis Presley's pathetic demise.

Meanest story nominee: Doris Day pleads for your prayers in her sad last days

Publication: Sun
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

For the second time in 2011, the Sun has a set of predictions supposed to occur this year that includes a Brave Last Days alert. In June, they said a weeping statue would herald Billy Graham going home to heaven, and now they say Doris Day wants your prayers in her Sad Last Days.

If it's any consolation to either Mr. Graham or Ms. Day, as bad as the tabloid vultures are at predicting death, the Sun and their prophecies are even worse.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Weekly World News alert: How to make yourself invisible - just like Harry Potter!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

Here is a story that shakes my faith and understanding of the universe. The Weekly World News has published a story that you can make yourself invisible like Harry Potter, which would mean some sort of invisibility cloak.

What rocks the foundations of my understanding is that this story actually has a grain of truth in in and has been reported in the legitimate U.K. publication the Telegraph.

This particular scientific advancement, while extraordinary, does not seem completely impossible to me. What I thought could never happen is the Weekly World News would print a story with a grain of truth in it.

Strange days indeed.