Weekly World News alert: Missiles target Michelle Obama's bedroom

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

The Sun had nothing of interest as far as prophecies go on the cover this week, so it falls to the Weekly World News people to pick up the slack.  Missiles targeted Michelle Obama's bedroom allegedly.  The picture was of some hotel someplace and not the White House, so it must have been on one of her many lavish trips at taxpayer expense.

Rich people are rich: Michelle Obama's spending out of control!

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

The Globe gets in on the story the other Wicked Step Sister tabloids have been trying to sell for a while now, that Michelle Obama is spending like a crazy person. Here are the headlines.

• Vacations
• Fashions
• Parties
• Now she wants movie star's $28 million mansion
  

Problems With Plastic Alert and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert: Hillary's secret plastic surgery!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

The Globe continues with the theme that Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton really don't like one another. Here are the headlines.

• After Michelle Obama calls her old, sloppy & fat…
• Hillary's secret plastic surgery!
• Now she's ready to kick the Obamas out of the White House!
  

Meanest story nominee: Michelle Obama spends $10 million of YOUR tax dollars on vacation!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids have been attacking the people in the White House since at least Bill Clinton, but there have been several stories of a different nature about the Obamas that imply that they are stealing from the American People.

You know... because they're colored.

Here are this week's headlines about Michelle Obama from the low rent Examiner.

• Michelle Obama spends $10 m of your tax dollars on vacation
• Special report
• Taxpayers sue to get it back
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Michelle Obama insults Hillary!

Publication: Globe
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

The Globe rehashes the story that Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton are at each others' throats. Here are the headlines.

• Michelle Obama insults Hillary!
• It's war!
• First Lady's bitter outburst sparks tearful breakdown

On the rocks alert: Obamas' secret split.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

Ever since Clinton, the gossip rags have loved writing that the presidential marriage is in trouble, especially the Globe and the low rent Examiner. This week, Michelle has had enough and she is now living a life apart from Barack Hussein Lothario Obama.

The low rent Examiner and the Sun are the only two of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter that don't have online versions. This is because both are made on the cheap. Still, we are supposed to believe the low rent Examiner is able to dig up scoops on two of the best protected people on the planet.

The Sun only expects us to believe in the End of the World about six times a year and there's a Bat Boy who was found in a cave.

Meanest story nominee: Michelle storms out!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

If we were to accept the word from the AMI kennel, Michelle Obama is constantly in a raging bad mood, the American equivalent of Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• Hates life in the White House
• Shocking fights with Prez
  

On their website, they add the detail that she is moving out and taking the girls back to Chicago with her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Michelle in a rage over Barack's other women.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 May 2011

Stories that the president is cheating on the First Lady has been popular in the AMI kennel for some time now. Of course, it was true when Clinton was in office, but the Three Wicked Step Sisters also told similar stories about George W. Bush and now Barack Hussein Playa Obama. Instead of giving direct evidence of infidelity, the low rent Examiner tells us that scary Michelle is even scarier than usual.

This is a Meanest Story of the Week nominee.

Weekly World News alert: Is that an alien with Michelle Obama?

Publication: Weekly World News
Date: 4 April 2011

The Weekly World News alien has been around for a long time, meeting with various political leaders in Washington for at least two decades. This cover from the mid 1990's had him meeting with Newt Gingrich, but being an up to date alien, this week he meets with the First Lady.

What Michelle is hiding from America!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 March 2011

The low rent Examiner once again lets us in that Michelle Obama is hiding stuff, big scary stuff that could bring her husband's presidency crumbling down.

That's because they are scary!!!

You know, because they're... colored.

You may think that phrase is out of date, but given the Old Timers who read the low rent Examiner, I wouldn't be surprised if their average reader still uses that word.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Prince William snubs Obamas!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 January 2011

According to the Globe, Prince William has banned the President and First Lady from the royal wedding, and Michelle in particular is furious.

For a historical perspective, Nancy Reagan attended the last royal wedding, but the President stayed home.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Michelle's ugly fight with Hillary!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 December 2010

Things are so bad now between Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama, the White House has made a rule that they can't be photographed together without a nun to keep them separated.

If anybody is asking me, I'd say they need a bigger nun. Michelle could just reach across and pull a hank of blonde hair out of Hillary's head by its gray roots.

Honestly, I wouldn't mess with her. She'd cut a bitch.

Surprisingly sane headline of the week:What Michelle really thinks about being first lady.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 1 November 2010

That Michelle Obama would be on the cover of a tabloid isn't surprising. This will be the 15th appearance of the First Lady this year on the tabloid covers, tying her with Camilla Parker-Bowles. As with Camilla, almost all the stories are from the rags in the AMI kennel, the Enquirer, Globe, Examiner, Star and the Sun.

What is surprising is that this one is from the Weekly World News, the slightly crazier black and white insert in the also crazy but in color Sun.

The Weekly World News is supposed to be about UFOs and dead celebrities coming back to life. Last June, they had a two-headed Bigfoot shot on the White House lawn.

Now, if they can get Michelle Obama to go on the record about how she felt when the two-headed Bigfoot was shot, that would be worth a headline!

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Obama-Clinton war explodes!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 November 2010

As tabloid fodder, Barack Obama is now tied with Tiger Woods and Oprah Winfrey this year. The low-rent Examiner tells us that the Obama family and the Clinton family are at loggerheads over Hillary's ambitions. The headlines read:

"Obama: Hillary's running!"

"Michelle: And Bill's behind it!"

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Royal Dream Wedding

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 18 October 2010

There is no official news yet, but that has never stopped The Only Ten Magazines That Matter from speculation. Weekly Life & Style has a cover story about the pending wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Besides the lavishness, the article claims to know who will be invited. On principle, I do not open up the magazines, but I do scan the front page of the respective websites. Among the alleged guests are Michelle Obama, Diddy, Elton John and Rod Stewart. Among those whose invitation must have been lost in the mail is Sarah Ferguson.

On the Rocks Alert:Michelle Obama's tearful collapse

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 October 2010

According to the Flagship, Michelle completely lost it and threatened to divorce Barack.

The Three Wicked Step Sisters love to tell us political couples are near divorce, regardless of party affiliation. They were right about John Edwards, they completely missed that Al Gore and Tipper were going to divorce, and they have been wrong about the Clintons, the Bushes, the Palins and the Obamas on a regular basis. They may get one of these right, but it will be more like the unturned calendar being right once a year rather than actual quality reporting and editing.

On the Rocks Alert?Obama Wedding Crisis

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 Sept. 2010

This week, the Globe goes with a story with a kernel of truth and blows it up into an entire bowl of fluffy lies. Barack Obama was seen in public not wearing his wedding ring, but the official story was it needed to be repaired. The story in the Globe is that Barack and Michelle had an enormous fight because he wants one more baby and she doesn't.

What Michelle is hiding from Obama

Publication: Sun
Date: 6 September 2010

A headline hinting at trouble in the Obama marriage isn't new in the tabloids. The thing that makes this story a little remarkable is that it is published in the Sun, which usually fills its cover with stories about prophecies.

On the Rocks Alert:Obama marriage meltdown

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 August 2010

The unreliable and low rent Examiner continues the American Media, Inc. assault on both Michelle Obama and her no good husband, Barack Hussein Casanova Obama. Once again, their marriage is in crisis.

This time, the other woman is Oprah Winfrey, with whom Barack is having secret dates.

Michelle, honey, why you buggin'? Don't you know about Oprah's BIG GAY LIE?

I am embarrassed to say how long it took me to realize how often AMI's attacks on Oprah and the Obamas are centered on them being uppity.

Rich people are rich alert:Michelle Obama's $500,000 spending spreee

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 August 2010

The Globe, one of the weaker Wicked Step Sister tabloids, is putting a lot of their eggs in the We Hate Barack Hussein Kim Jong Obama basket, but the Enquirer, the evil tabloid with more vision, is try to catch onto the We Hate Michelle Obama wave.

Michelle went on a spending spree. The Wicked Step Sister blogs are big on talking in code, but it's not a secret code. Why are they the only magazines that write about Oprah? Because they cater to the crowd that thinks she's uppity. Ditto Michelle Obama. (Who uses the word "ditto" a lot? If you understand the code, I think you already know who.) The other African American female celebrity who gets the All Step Sister All The Time treatment is Whitney Houston, who I will admit is a much hotter mess than either Michelle or Oprah.

The editors at these magazines might need to seek therapy when dealing with their feelings toward black women. I'm sure Dr. Laura Schlessinger would lend a sympathetic ear.