Meanest story nominee: Kate's miscarriage drama!

Publication: Globe

Date: 22 August 2011



We have already had several rumors about Kate Middleton being pregnant, so the Globe ups the ante with one about her having a miscarriage. The Globe claims a "world exclusive" and tells us William has rushed to her side. He does that a lot.



It's easy to have world exclusives when you are just making stuff up.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

It's official! William named king!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Once again, the tabloids go forward with the rumor that Charles will be passed over and William will be king after his grandma dies. Note that Betty Windsor is only 85 and her mom lived to be a jillion. It's not a sure thing Charles will outlive her. Actually, it's not a sure thing Wills will outlive her.

That said, having someone pushed out of line for the throne without murder is really rare in British history.

Meanest story nominee: Prince William: "I know who killed my mom!"

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

The low rent Examiner continues with the popular gossip theory that his mother Princess Diana was murdered AND the heir to the throne knows the culprit. If you really think the car crash was a hit, watch this sketch by Mitchell and Webb and see if you don't think there are a few holes in the idea.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Mending fences alert: William asks queen not to skip over his dad.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 May 2011

The Globe and the low rent Examiner have been the source for the stories about the order of succession to the British crown, with a bunch of headlines saying old Liz Windsor is going to pass over her first born son and give the crown to the cute kid. In history, skipping in line for the crown without murder or madness or other unpleasantness is really rare.

In any case, the low rent Examiner says Wills is a nice kid and went to bat for his dad, telling his gran that being skipped over would kill him. The take of the low rent Examiner on this is that evil Camilla wins.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Prince William snubs Obamas!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 January 2011

According to the Globe, Prince William has banned the President and First Lady from the royal wedding, and Michelle in particular is furious.

For a historical perspective, Nancy Reagan attended the last royal wedding, but the President stayed home.

Wills' Dramatic Chopper Rescue

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 December 2010

Usually, the Meanest Story Of the Week poll is a competition between the Globe, Examiner and Enquirer. This week, it was all stories from the Globe, whose editorial staff must be suffering from a case Irritable Bowel Syndrome, while the Enquirer was only moderately nasty and the low rent Examiner went on a kinder, gentler kick, though I expect we will see in the weeks to come that it was a blip instead of a trend.

With all the stories about the glamour of the Royal Wedding, the low rent Examiner reminds Yanks that Wills actually served in national armed forces as a chopper pilot and was involved in rescue missions. Good for him.

Where's the Party At? Alert:Prince Harry in charge of Will's bachelor party

Publication: In Touch
Date: 13 December 2010

In Touch reports what has been reported elsewhere, that Prince Harry will be in charge of Prince William's bachelor party.

I see no way this cleverly planned move can fail.

Just in case Harry runs out of ideas as to how best embarrass all his blood relatives for decades to come, he decided the entertainment should be provided by Snoop Dogg.

A quick word of advice to England. Lock up your daughters and lock up your liquor cabinets, but use different locks.

That is all. You're welcome.

Prophecy Alert™:Stuff that will happen before New Year's Day!(Don't count on it).

Publication: Sun
Date: 6 December 2010

It would be presumptuous of me to think the editors of the Sun have even seen this blog in the eleven months it has existed, but I made some rules about when I would post stuff they published in their completely fictitious magazine and I'll be damned if they didn't follow those rules this week.

If they make a prediction about the future AND IT INCLUDES A DATE, I will publish it and keep track. If they just say the world is going to end of the End Times are already here, no dice.

On this Thanksgiving day, their cover is full of stories they say will happen by New Years, less than six weeks away.

Fun! Let's go!


The most interesting and least likely story is that Prince William will visit the White House this year as King. This would entail his grandma dying or abdicating and his dad getting the bum's rush.

That's a lotta stuff to happen in five weeks.


Oprah Winfrey will marry before New Year's Day.

Not announce an engagement. Marry.

And it won't be Stedman.

Since when did she get so antsy? If she's gonna get hitched, wouldn't she throw a Wills'N'Kate sized wingding?


Hillary Clinton will divorce Bill before New Year's Day.

Hmm, that's sounds familiar.


And last but also least, Billy Graham will reveal God's plan for mankind before the ball drops in Times Square.

I say this is least because the Sun actually already made this prophecy that Billy would tell us this by Thanksgiving.

You know... today.

They also said Hillary would divorce Bill by now. I'll be posting a single story of all the failed Turkey Day prophecies later.

I guess I could be nice and say the Sun believes in recycling, but I think it's just a sign of cutbacks over at the completely forgotten relative in the AMI kennel.

Meanest Story nominee:Queen names William King

Publication: Globe
Date: 6 December 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two stories dominate the gossip rags this week, the upcoming wedding of Wills and Kate and the upcoming divorce of Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. As you might guess the stories about Wills and Kate are almost uniformly positive, but leave it to the Globe to piss in the punchbowl. They feature a headline that says QE II will skip over her son and make her grandson king when she dies. This rumor has been around for several years, based on an allegedly leaked memo from The Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings.

Bells Are Ringing with a side of Hairdresser Alert™:William bans Charles' gay lover from the wedding!Also a Meanest Story nominee

Publication: Globe
Date: 29 November 2010

Who would possibly want to rain on the love parade that is the story of the next Royal Wedding? If you guessed the Globe, give yourself two bonus points.

According to the middle Wicked Step Sister tabloid, Prince William has banned Prince Charles' gay lover from attending the wedding.

I like young Wills, but this seems unnecessarily cruel. I mean, who likes a big wedding done right more than a hairdresser?

And just because the Globe couldn't help but pee in the punchbowl when everyone else is printing positive stories about the upcoming wedding, it gets a Meanest Story nomination for this week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Camilla blackmails the Queen

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 September 2010

If we are to believe the low-rent Examiner, the nearly always drunk Camilla Parker-Bowles stayed sober long enough to plot an evil scheme against her really irritating mother-in-law, old Liz Windsor herself, and this will force Liz to let Charles be king after she croaks instead of bypassing Jug Eared Chuck in favor of his hunky son Wills.

Clear enough?

The only catch in this story is that Charles is still the heir apparent legally, so there is no need for skullduggery on Camilla's part. The whole poisoning/beheading/throwing into the Tower of London thing is for people farther down the queue to do to those closer to the front, and Wills seems like much too decent a chap to do this to his dad.

On the Rocks Alert:Prince William caught kissing another woman!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 July 2010

The Globe and the Examiner are the Wicked Step Sisters who love to trash the royals, but this week the big sister takes a whack. They have a telephoto picture of Prince William kissing someone not Kate Middleton on the mouth. As we know, this only happens just before or just after two people engage in hot monkey sex, usually involving fresh fruit and appliances.

On the Rocks Alert:Prince William won't marry until Chuck dumps Camilla

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 May 2010

Prince William is not yet engaged to Kate Middleton, but the tabloids seem to think it's a done deal. The Examiner, who along with the Globe are the main sources on this side of the pond about all things royal, tell us this week that William refuses to get married until his dad divorces William's evil stepmother Camilla.

Who does this boy think he is? The future monarch of the United Kingdom?

Either this picture is an optical illusion or this story is false. William, a cute young lad by any reasonable yardstick, seems to have a normal size man package fitted into his nicely tailored blue jeans. But if this story is true, the boy has balls the size of Stonehenge.

Who are you going to believe? The ever reliable National Examiner or your own lying eyes?

And the camera noses in to the tears on his face:William wants to re-open the inquiry into his mother's death

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

According to the National Examiner, one of the two American tabloids that give a rat's ass about the British royalty, Prince William has information that the driver of the car his mother died in was not drunk on the evening in question and he wants another panel to investigate.

I'd like to say this story isn't going away, but I get the feeling it really is. In any case, if there are villains who've gotten away with murder, William might not want to dig too deep to find them, because he's probably shared a Christmas dinner or twenty with them.