Bells Done Rung™ Alert?Wills and Kate secretly married

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 16 August 2010

Yes, the happy picture of Wills and Kate is put up front and center this week, because according to the National Examiner, they already done got hitched. Supposedly, grandma Liz said it wouldn't do for them to live in sin, so they have tied the knot in secret and can continue to make hot monkey love with the full blessing of the Church of England and HRH Her Own Bad Self.

Side note to Liz: A future king of England can't live in sin? Do you just read Dick Francis novels? Seriously, if he isn't chopping off his girlfriend's head or locking her in the Tower of London, you people are way ahead of the game, historically speaking.

On the Rocks Alert:Prince William won't marry until Chuck dumps Camilla

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 May 2010

Prince William is not yet engaged to Kate Middleton, but the tabloids seem to think it's a done deal. The Examiner, who along with the Globe are the main sources on this side of the pond about all things royal, tell us this week that William refuses to get married until his dad divorces William's evil stepmother Camilla.

Who does this boy think he is? The future monarch of the United Kingdom?

Either this picture is an optical illusion or this story is false. William, a cute young lad by any reasonable yardstick, seems to have a normal size man package fitted into his nicely tailored blue jeans. But if this story is true, the boy has balls the size of Stonehenge.

Who are you going to believe? The ever reliable National Examiner or your own lying eyes?

Late to the Party alert:Liz getting married, even though she's not.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 3 May 2010

The Examiner wins the award for worst tabloid this week by telling trashy and untrue stories about the living and the dead. They decided to tell us the secrets of Liz's next wedding, even though it has been denied.

Sometimes, the Examiner's awfulness is like a shining diamond, but usually, they are just awful.

Case in point, as Rod Serling used to say.