Surprisingly nice headline of the week:R.I.P. Betty Ford

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! While People did a respectful cover story on Betty Ford last week, the low rent Examiner follows suit a week later. The headline reads "Courageous First Lady at Peace", and I have a hard time disagreeing with that.

I still count the low rent Examiner as one of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, but to quote They Might Be Giants, I can declare them The Nicest Of The Damned.

Jill Clayburgh 1944-2010Her Brave Battle

Publication: People
Date: 22 November 2010

I wasn't absolutely sure the gossip rags would comment on the death of Jill Clayburgh, because the Three Wicked Step Sisters don't go for the classy demographic and Ms. Clayburgh was definitely a class act. Not surprisingly, she is mentioned by the classiest of the checkout stand publications People and their story talks about her brave battle. The war metaphor for disease is overused in my opinion, but to live with leukemia for over twenty years definitely counts as a battle.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Jill Clayburgh, from a fan.

Late to the party alert:R.I.P. Tom Bosley and Barbara Billingsley

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 8 October 2010

The low-rent Examiner is the only supermarket rag to comment on the passing of two TV icons, Tom Bosley and Barbara Billingsley. Bosley died on the 19th, a Tuesday, which means it makes sense that his story should be a week late.

Barbara Billingsley died on a Saturday two weeks ago, so her story could have been in the supermarket rags in the previous edition. Better late than never, I guess.

Late to the party alert:America mourns Mitch Miller

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 August 2010

The Examiner wants us to believe that America is all torn to pieces over the death of Mitch Miller, who died last month at the age of a jillion years old.

Let me speak for America here for a moment.

Aw. Hellz. NO!

His show went off the air 44 years ago. The median age of his audience in 1966 was dead. I would be amazed if one person in five today have any memory of him and the vast majority of them were probably shocked that he wasn't dead already. Every mention of him I have read in the past fifteen years or so was about how he stifled the careers of artists at Columbia like Sinatra, Rosemary Clooney and Tony Bennett by forcing them to sing ridiculous novelty tunes and they had to switch labels to get to sing material that was up to their talent level.

In brief, Mitch Miller lived long enough to be widely forgotten by the masses and mostly despised by people who love music.

Not that I feel strongly about this.

Late to the party alert:The secret behind Kelsey Grammer's divorce

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 26 July 2010

So, the Examiner knows the secret behind the break-up of Kelsey Grammer and his wife Camille. I hope it isn't that she isn't aging well or that he's a massive jerk. Because both those things? Not exactly secrets.

Late to the party alert:The wedding of Wills and Kate is on hold.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 5 July 2010

The latest possible royal couple has made the covers of the Yank tabs for four straight weeks now. Last week, there were three stories that said there was trouble in paradise. This week, Us Weekly repeats these rumors.

As though we wouldn't believe it until they spoke with the voice of authority.

Late to the party alert:Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart's wedding

Publications: People, Globe
Date: 5 July 2010

The Globe is in the running for the nastiest of the supermarket rags. People is in second place for the nicest of them, trailing the kind but inaccurate OK! Here are the headlines about the marriage of Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, already covered in the legitimate press.

People: Harrison & Calista's Surprise Wedding
Globe: Harrison and Calista's Shotgun Wedding

Did you catch the subtle difference? I thought you might.

Late to the party alert:Art Linkletter's tragic secret

Publication: Globe
Date: 14 June 2010

This is a pattern we have seen before. A star whose health problems would have been perfect Hey Old Timer Gossip dies before the tabloids can even warn the public of an illness. The next week, the Globe discovers their sad or tragic secrets.

Example #1: Fess Parker in March
Example #2: Robert Culp in April

And, of course, you are staring Example #3 right in the puss.

Here's the real tragic secret. Tabloids are dying and they don't pay enough to get the scoops they need to stay in business.

Late to the Party alert:Dennis Hopper's estranged wife banned from deathbed

Publication: Globe
Date: 14 June 2010

The only story that made the reports of Dennis Hopper's serious health problems suspect was the fact he was taking the trouble to divorce his wife. Divorces can drag out for a year or more easily, so why was a guy with six months to live even starting the proceedings?

The Globe reports that Victoria Hopper was banned from his deathbed. Other news stories reported when Hopper was alive made it look like the real struggle was between Hopper's daughter and the wicked stepmom.

Once again, best wishes to Mr. Hopper's friends and his non-estranged family, from a fan.

Late to the Party alert:The passing of Gary Coleman

Publications: People, Globe
Date: 14 June 2010

Here's a weird symmetry. There were stories about seven women who were possibly pregnant on the supermarket rag covers this week, and there are stories about seven people dead or allegedly dying. Here at the blog, we went with the births first and the deaths after, what we call in the math biz the canonical order.

People goes classy, of course: Gary Coleman 1968-2010
The Globe goes tacky, naturally: Gary Coleman's Desperate Last Words

Again, best wishes to his family and friends.

Late to the Party alert:Bret Michael's hospitalization

Publications: Weekly Life and Style, Us Weekly
Date: 10 May 2010

Quite often, any trip to the hospital is portrayed as a person near death, but both Weekly Life and Style and Us Weekly instead talk about Bret Michaels fighting for his life instead of calling him near death, so this does not count as a Not Long 4 This World alert.

According to the internet, Michaels isn't the hard party guy you would expect a glam rock star to be, because he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as a kid and he had one scary episode back in the glory days of his band Poison and hasn't been tempted again to get seriously drunk. I do not know if he is a complete teetotaler.

This isn't the best time to quibble, but the things that happened to him recently don't really count as him fighting for his life as much as doctors fighting for his life and him recovering from surgery. Appendectomies and brain hemorrhages are deadly serious to be sure, but it isn't so much about the patient being "a fighter" as it is about getting to a doctor in time and getting a proper diagnosis.

Best wishes to Bret for a speedy and full recovery.

Late to the Party alert:Liz getting married, even though she's not.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 3 May 2010

The Examiner wins the award for worst tabloid this week by telling trashy and untrue stories about the living and the dead. They decided to tell us the secrets of Liz's next wedding, even though it has been denied.

Sometimes, the Examiner's awfulness is like a shining diamond, but usually, they are just awful.

Case in point, as Rod Serling used to say.

Late to the Party alert:Jim and Jenny split

Publication: People

Date: 26 Apr. 2010

While I like The Gold Standard a little more than the other rags because of their kinder, gentler but not too gentle editorial policy, this story, like the Liz Taylor non-nuptials in the Globe, is another example of the problem with weekly gossip. This magazine is still on the newsstands until tomorrow, and this story broke on Twitter fifteen days ago.

As much as I love print, the 21st Century is not going to be kind to it.

Late to the Party alert:Dixie Carter

Publications: People, National Enquirer

Date: 26 Apr. 2010

Here's the difference between the Gold Standard and the Flagship.

People has a simple headline "Farewell Dixie Carter".

The National Enquirer goes with Hal Holbrook quoted as saying "She was the love of my life."

Did you remember Mr. Holbrook asking for his privacy at this difficult time? I did, but obviously the Flagship thought he was talking to somebody else.

If Mr. Holbrook should stumble upon this blog, I'm sorry I reprinted this trash, but it's kind of the reason I have this blog going. Best wishes to Mr. Holbrook, from a fan of his work and a fan of his wife's work as well.

Late to the Party alert:John Forsythe

Date: 19 Apr. 2010

Publications: People, Globe

Two of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter acknowledge the passing of John Forsythe, a celebrity death that was not foretold by the tabs in any way. People goes classy with "Farewell John Forsythe". The Globe goes with the tacky "John Forsythe's Sad Last Days". This is why I consider the "Last Days" story the highest level of alert, because the tabs will use it either as a warning or to make it look like they were on top of a story they actually missed completely until after the fact.

There have been times in the past when a tabloid posted a Brave Last Days headline and the celebrity in question died the same week. If I recall correctly, that was the timing for Walter Matthau. But in 2010, their track record is exceedingly bad, with 24 warnings so far and none of them yet come true.

Update: In an odd coincidence, another Dynasty actor is in the obituaries this morning. Christopher Cazenove, who played the black sheep brother Ben Carrington, died on April 7 at the age of 64.

Late to the Party Hairdresser alert:Ricky Martin

Publications: People, In Touch

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

Both People and In Touch go with front page stories of something that was news, but not surprising news, on Monday.

It does give us some idea of how much lead time the supermarket papers need to get a story on the cover. Recall that the news of Corey Haim's death broke early on a Wednesday and none of the tabloids covered it the next day, though four of them did put him on the cover eight days later.

That kind of lag time makes it hard to get a scoop, but they still do it from time to time.

The all-important three month review

This is not just a blog for tabloid headlines and snarky comments. The idea of the blog was to keep track of the tabloids, to report on what they got right and what they got wrong. I've had fun expanding the types of stories I will report, including enboobening alerts and hairdresser alerts, but the core of this blog's original mandate was to report the verifiable stuff and keep score. This is the first scorecard.

The tabloids have told us 22 people are dying or will die within some time frame. Brave Last Days or Sad Last Days are supposed to be just that, a warning that someone has a few weeks to live, maybe a few months at the outside. Then there are the reports that read "xxx dying!" or "yyy has so many months to live!" These are reports of lower urgency on the color coded list.

Brave Last Days reports: Elizabeth Taylor, Burt Reynolds, Loretta Lynn (twice), Gary Coleman, Charlie Daniels, Rue McClanahan, Barbara Billingsley, Dennis Hopper (twice), Dick Clark.

As of 7:00 pm Pacific time on 30 March 2010, all these people are still alive.

Not Long 4 This World reports: Camilla Parker-Bowles, Marie Osmond (suicidal), Bill Clinton, Whitney Houston, Britney Spears, Eminem, Paris Hilton, Kirsten Dunst, Queen Elizabeth II, Portia DeRossi.

As of 7:00 pm Pacific time on 30 March 2010, all these people are still alive.

Expiration Date reports: Rush Limbaugh, Kirstie Alley, Oprah Winfrey.

As of 7:00 pm Pacific time on 30 March 2010, all these people are still alive.

Here is a list of people at about the same level of fame that died in the past three months without any warning alert from the gutter press.

Corey Haim, Peter Graves, Fess Parker, Robert Culp, Merlin Olsen.

For the record: 23 warnings, 0 deaths so far. 5 deaths without warnings of people at about the same level of fame.

The tabloids told us about many break-ups. The truly verifiable are the reports of divorce. Rich people can "come to an understanding", but if one of them actually wants to get married again, then they have to divorce and that has to be public. Here are the couples we have been told will divorce in the tabloids.

On the rocks, but no divorce proceedings yet: Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods, Laura and George W. Bush, Charles and Camilla, Trisha Yearwood and Garth Brooks, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Michelle and Barack Obama, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, Paula Deen and her husband, Phil McGraw and his wife, Larry and Shawn King.

Reports in the tabloids and some legal action has been taken: Benny Hinn and his wife, Paul and Anna Anka, John and Elizabeth Edwards (legally separated). There is a report of divorce proceedings by Sandra Bullock against Jesse James on Radar online, but no verification in a non-gossip source.

There are also the divorces and separations that took place but did not get reported in the tabloids first.

Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet, Jenny and Mark Sanford, Dennis and Victoria Hopper, Karl and Darcy Rove, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

That's three hits, ten swings and misses, four called strikes and one foul tip.

Here's another verifiable event. The end of the world.

Let me go on record here for anyone unclear on the concept. Nostradamus? Edgar Cayce? Dr. Harold Camping? You Friggin' Mayans? I gotcher end of the world RIGHT HERE!

Of course, we are talking about the future and no one truly knows the future. The end of the world could come to pass as one of these wankers predicted, and boy, will my face be red!

Actually, it could be charred beyond recognition or crushed under tons of debris, but you get the idea.

So far, we have not reached any of the dates yet predicted for the coming end times, though a few of them will come before the next review in late June and the beginning of the End Times is slated for September 11, 2010, an easy date to remember.

========

Positive and negative tabloids: Not all tabloids are created equal. Some are going for sensationalistic stories that slam celebrities. Some suck up to the celebrities and promise to tell their side of the stories.

Jackal of the Press award: In nearly a flat-footed tie, the National Enquirer is the most negative tabloid with only 10% positive stories, followed by the National Examiner at 11% positive.

Biggest Suck Up award: OK! magazine is by far the most positive tab, with 64% of stories putting celebrities in a positive light. The nearest competitors, the Sun, People and Weekly Life and Style are in the 42% to 44% positive range. The Sun hardly counts, because it has less stories about celebrities than any other tab. One story about the canonization of Elvis, Princess Di and Michael Jackson can skew the entire data set.

Let me end this first review with the story that surprised me the most. The tabloids are available at my local newsstand and around the country on Thursdays, so I arrange the stories to dole them out in even dosages throughout the week, from about three to maybe six a day in a very busy week. In late February, I decided a story entitled "Paula Deen's divorce shocker!" was one of the least important stories of the week, so I didn't get around to it until Wednesday, the final day of the tabloid week.

This story is still the most popular page on my blog. About 20% of all my traffic to this website has been to this page since it was first put up.

Shows how much I know. And by the way, the headline was your usual overblown tabloid teaser headline and Ms. Deen's marriage is not in any real jeopardy at this time.

More slanderous stories tomorrow and fresh trash on Thursday, because that's how we roll at It's News 2 Them™.

Late to the Party alert: Peter Graves' last minutes

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

As of the current count, the tabs have told us about over twenty soon to be dead celebrities, and none of them are dead, thank goodness. But they completely forgot to tell us that Peter Graves was gravely ill.

The Flagship says he wasn't gravely ill, just old. He was over 80, he had some heart problem and he died.

Not their fault.

Late to the Party alert: details about Corey Haim, eight days after his death

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, Globe

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Obviously, "Stop the presses!" is a concept foreign to the magazine biz. Former child star Corey Haim died eight days ago, but none of the supermarket tabloids could put out a story about him until now.

The headline on People: His tortured life.

The headline on Us Weekly: His sad final days.

Actual teaser details from Weekly Life & Style: Friends say he was killed, 85 pills a day, his friend Corey Feldman couldn't save him.

Short teaser from the Globe: They correctly multiply 85 and 7 and round it to a nice even 600 pills a week.