Least interesting cover story of the week: Bret Michael's heath and upcoming wedding.

Publication: Star
Date: 9 May 2011

Star has a headline about Bret Michaels' health and upcoming wedding to his longtime girlfriend. They do not have any picture to accompany this story, so I won't put up a picture either.

Way too many gossip rags are getting into this habit.

Bret Michaels opens up: My life now.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 11 April 2011

Last April, Bret Michaels was hospitalized with a brain hemorrhage and for a few months became a regular on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. There was a lot of speculation about his health and his lifestyle, but those stories have faded away. In Touch has an exclusive interview with him this week.

Bret Michaels brave new surgery.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Bret Michaels made the gossip rags regularly last year after his sudden hospitalization, but most of the recent stories about him have been about everything being fine, his family being his rock in troubled times and the fact he finally proposed to his baby mama. But this week, it's back to stories about his health as Weekly Life & Style says he is about to undergo some brave new surgery. Checking online, the surgery has taken place and it repaired a whole in his heart.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Bret Michaels proposes.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 10 January 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Both People and Us Weekly report the confirmed story of Bret Michaels finally proposing to longtime girlfriend Kristi Gibson, the mother of his two adorable daughters.

I pay next to no attention to Mr. Michaels' private life, such as it is, but this makes that reality TV show where a bunch of sluts vied for his affection using various combinations of implants, alcohol and fellatio really extra super creepy.

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, we wish the happy family all the best.

On the rocks alert:Bret Michaels to blame for the Cyrus divorce

Publications: Star, Us Weekly
Date: 15 November 2010

Welcome to gossip hell, Billy Ray Cyrus and his estranged wife Tish. The have filed for divorce and the supermarket rags are chock full of reasons why.

The most popular theory as to what broke up their happy home is that Tish was fooling around with drunken diabetic man slut Bret Michaels.

Bret Michaels says his kids saved him AGAIN

Publication: In Touch
Date: 25 October 2010

Here's a brief summary of Brett and the supermarket rags this year. He had a serious health episode, he recovered, everyone was happy, then rumors that he was still partying hard and risking his life emerged. April, May and June he was serious tabloid fodder. After that, not nearly as much.

In July, the Globe had one of their scattershot stories about celebs risking their lives and Bret's name was on the cover. The next week, Bret and his people got a positive story in Us Weekly saying his kids saved him.

Last week, the Globe included him in another scattershot story about bad things happening to reality TV stars. This week, it's In Touch that prints a positive story about him, with almost the exact same headline as the Us story from July.

Sounds like Bret and his people take the Globe much more seriously than I do.

Reality TV's Chilling Curse.

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 Ocotber 2010

The Globe has one of those grab bag cover stories, with multiple pictures of celebrities and multiple problems mentioned. The problems listed are murder, suicide, arrests and sex scandals. The people listed include the following.


Dog the Bounty Hunter. I'm using process of elimination, but my best guess is her is the one involved in the murder. Also, I would say he actually counts as a reality TV star.


Marie Osmond. She would be the one who is linked to suicide, since her son killed himself. Even though she has been on Dancing With The Stars and was a judge on Celebrity Duets, she doesn't count as a reality TV star in my book.

Bret Michaels. Probably the sex scandals. Also, he's been on reality TV, but he was an actual celebrity before that.

There is a fourth person on the list, an awful person from that horrible show I refuse to name. I'm guessing she is the one with the arrests. Like Dog The Bounty Hunter, she does actually count as someone from reality TV. If even the Globe is going to mention people from this show, its influence is probably not going to go away soon, but I still refuse to mention these people until one of them does something that is actually newsworthy, an extremely unlikely event.

Bret Michaels says his kids saved him

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 2 August 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow! The last of this week's trash... right now!

The Bret Michaels saga appeared to be over as tabloid fodder in late May. The stories ping-ponged back and forth between everything being okay after his brain hemorrhage and stories that he was still partying hard and endangering his life. Last week, the Globe included him in a "Who will die first?" cover story, and this week, Us Weekly says he credits his kids with saving his life.

For the record, Us Weekly was one of the mags that said he was in trouble a few months back.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:DEATH RACE 2010

Publication: Globe
Date: 26 July 2010

Back in January, the Globe had a cover story putting together a line-up of young people who might die, most of them because of drug usage. This week, the headline is WHO WILL DIE FIRST? with pictures of celebrities of varying ages, some who have already been on the celebrity death watch, others getting their first mention in the tabloids of any kind for 2010.

Here's the list. An asterisk by a name means this is the first time they have been put on a death watch this year.

Lisa Marie Presley*: Eating herself to death
Camilla Parker-Bowles: Now weighs 200 lbs.
Mel Gibson: suicidal
Paula Abdul*: addicted to pain pills
Pamela Anderson*: binge drinking
Bret Michaels: shocking secret
Wayne Newton*: Risking it all
Heidi Montag*: surgery obsessed

A few comments.

This is not the standard fare for the Globe. The only person who qualifies for Hey Old Timer Gossip is Wayne Newton, who they mentioned once before when his pregnant daughter fell into a coma this winter. The only "regular" Globe cover girl in this list is Camilla.

If we are to believe this report, and that's a very big if when considering the Globe, the two names that should be taken seriously are Bret Michaels and Pamela Anderson, both of whom have serious documented health problems that are not conducive to hard partying.

The rest of the list... meh. I still don't believe Mel Gibson is suicidal, plenty of people put on weight without dying immediately, and since this is the first mention Paula Abdul or Wayne Newton, I'm going to need independent verification from some publication that actually has a fact-checker on the payroll.

As for Heidi Montag... please. They just wanted to put a picture of her tits on the cover, though it should be said that this is the first time she has graced the cover of any of The Three Wicked Stepsister tabloids.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Bret Michaels to be a father again

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 7 June 2010

The world is officially upside down. People has a story with a negative focus on Bret Michaels the same week the National Enquirer has a story with a positive focus.

I think only the Ghostbusters can explain this properly.

Not Long 4 This World:Bret Michaels risking his life story continues

Publications: People, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 7 June 2010

Last week it was Star magazine warning us about Bret Michaels AND stories in the legitimate press about a previously undiagnosed hole in his heart. This week three of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have him on the cover warning about his health and his lifestyle choices.

• People: Bret Living Dangerously
• In Touch: Friends fear for Bret's life
• Us Weekly: Bret Michaels ignoring doctors

That's a lot of warnings and one of them is from The Gold Standard, which has more weight than its competitors.

Not Long 4 This World:Bret Michaels risking his life

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 31 May 2010

Almost all the death watch reports in the tabloids come from the Enquirer, Examiner and the Globe, the three most negative of the tabloids as well as the main purveyors of Hey Old Timer Gossip. This week, the Star has a headline about Bret Michaels still engaging in risky behavior after his appendectomy and brain hemorrhage. The headline does not use the phrase "last days" or any direct reference to death, but I'm going to make an editorial decision and say that "risking his life" after such serious health scares counts as a Not Long 4 This World alert.

Moreover, a new story in the legitimate press reveals that Michaels has a hole in his heart, a further health complication previously undiagnosed, probably a birth defect. Michaels was diagnosed with Type I diabetes during childhood.

Best wishes to Bret. Regardless of how I feel about his musical or lifestyle choices, that's a lot of bad cards to be dealt.

Bret Michaels speaks

Publication: People
Date: 17 May 2010

People, only a week after their huge scoop about Sandra Bullock, her baby and the divorce, talk to Bret Michaels after he recovered from the brain hemorrhage. The quote on the cover is "I was thinking about my daughters growing up without me."

I've never been a fan of his music and the Rock of Love reality show is just tacky, but this quote is what a mensch says. Best wishes to Bret, and I hope he lives up to this quote with whatever time he has left, may it be many decades.

Late to the Party alert:Bret Michael's hospitalization

Publications: Weekly Life and Style, Us Weekly
Date: 10 May 2010

Quite often, any trip to the hospital is portrayed as a person near death, but both Weekly Life and Style and Us Weekly instead talk about Bret Michaels fighting for his life instead of calling him near death, so this does not count as a Not Long 4 This World alert.

According to the internet, Michaels isn't the hard party guy you would expect a glam rock star to be, because he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as a kid and he had one scary episode back in the glory days of his band Poison and hasn't been tempted again to get seriously drunk. I do not know if he is a complete teetotaler.

This isn't the best time to quibble, but the things that happened to him recently don't really count as him fighting for his life as much as doctors fighting for his life and him recovering from surgery. Appendectomies and brain hemorrhages are deadly serious to be sure, but it isn't so much about the patient being "a fighter" as it is about getting to a doctor in time and getting a proper diagnosis.

Best wishes to Bret for a speedy and full recovery.

Breaking news:Bret Michaels hospitalized

Publication: Associated Press

Date: Apr. 23 2010

Bret Michaels, leader singer of the rock band Poison, is in critical condition following a massive brain hemorrhage. Last week, he was in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. He was diagnosed with Type I diabetes when he was six.

Best wishes to Mr. Michaels on a full recovery.