You So Crazy Alert™: Lisa Marie Presley hits rock bottom!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The idea of this blog is to keep track of the narrative behind the seemingly random headlines in the supermarket rags. One strong theme has been the National Enquirer's hatred for Scientologists, most especially fat Scientologists. Tom Cruise they leave alone for the most part. (Other mags have it in for him.) Jenna Elfman is not a topic of conversation at all. But Lisa Marie Presley, Kirstie Alley and John Travolta... nothing but hate, hate, hate for them.

Except maybe this week. They do hate on Lisa Marie, saying she's hit rock bottom, but they also say her pal Travolta is rushing in to save her.

The Enquirer has done some serious dumping on Travolta. He's gay, he's cheating on his wife, he abandoned his family, he's fat, he's going bald, you name it. But at least they admit that he does try to do outreach to people he knows who are in trouble. There was also a story about him trying to help Jeff Conaway a week before Conaway died.

You So Crazy Alert™:Lisa Marie collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 January 2011

Pick on Scientologists Day continues here at It's News 2 Them™, and this time it's The Flagship picking on Lisa Marie Presley, who they say collapsed recently. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Loses shocking 55 lbs. in 5 months!
• Husband rushes to save her as she falls to floor
• Flies to L.A. for treatment
• Health secret she's hiding
  

Okay, let me get a little mathy here. (Those who know me know I can't help it.) Five months is about 22 weeks, so that means she was losing two and a half pounds a week on average. That's not shocking, that's good steady progress. But by the rules of the AMI kennel, if a Scientologist does a thing, it is by definition shocking or bad. Gain weight, lose weight, FAIL to lose weight... bad, bad, bad!

Glad I could clear that up for anyone unclear on the concept.

You So Crazy Alert™:Lisa Marie's meltdown

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 8 November 2010

The Flagship continues its war against fat Scientologists by taking a swipe at Lisa Marie Presley this week. Among their claims about her meltdown, we have:

• Dangerous dieting and mood swings
• Teen son walks out
• Fighting with husband #4

For the record, the Enquirer seriously hates Lisa Marie, Kirstie Alley and John Travolta, fat Scientologists all. On the other hand, they have had only one story about the still svelte Tom Cruise.

Completely Vague Title Alert:What's wrong with Lisa Marie?

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 September 2010

All the stories about Lisa Marie Presley in the supermarket rags this have been negative and in either the Enquirer and the Globe. It's all part of their "pick on the fat girl Scientologist" strategy.

Bad Help Alert:Lisa Marie's maid tells all!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 13 September 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

So some maid is going to tell us what a mess Lisa Marie Presley is. Why are we supposed to be surprised?

She married Michael Jackson. She became a Scientologist. How many cries for help do we need before we figure this one out?

Not Long 4 This World Alert:DEATH RACE 2010

Publication: Globe
Date: 26 July 2010

Back in January, the Globe had a cover story putting together a line-up of young people who might die, most of them because of drug usage. This week, the headline is WHO WILL DIE FIRST? with pictures of celebrities of varying ages, some who have already been on the celebrity death watch, others getting their first mention in the tabloids of any kind for 2010.

Here's the list. An asterisk by a name means this is the first time they have been put on a death watch this year.

Lisa Marie Presley*: Eating herself to death
Camilla Parker-Bowles: Now weighs 200 lbs.
Mel Gibson: suicidal
Paula Abdul*: addicted to pain pills
Pamela Anderson*: binge drinking
Bret Michaels: shocking secret
Wayne Newton*: Risking it all
Heidi Montag*: surgery obsessed

A few comments.

This is not the standard fare for the Globe. The only person who qualifies for Hey Old Timer Gossip is Wayne Newton, who they mentioned once before when his pregnant daughter fell into a coma this winter. The only "regular" Globe cover girl in this list is Camilla.

If we are to believe this report, and that's a very big if when considering the Globe, the two names that should be taken seriously are Bret Michaels and Pamela Anderson, both of whom have serious documented health problems that are not conducive to hard partying.

The rest of the list... meh. I still don't believe Mel Gibson is suicidal, plenty of people put on weight without dying immediately, and since this is the first mention Paula Abdul or Wayne Newton, I'm going to need independent verification from some publication that actually has a fact-checker on the payroll.

As for Heidi Montag... please. They just wanted to put a picture of her tits on the cover, though it should be said that this is the first time she has graced the cover of any of The Three Wicked Stepsister tabloids.

Sharper than a serpent's tooth alert:Lisa Marie turns her back on Graceland

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 May 2010

Only The Flagship thinks Lisa Marie is news we can use. Besides being fat, as they let us know two months ago, now she is turning her back on Graceland.

Having a fat, dead, rich, lionized daddy is hard work.

Damn You Fat Alert™:Lisa Marie Presley weighs 165 pounds

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 22 Mar. 2010

Not that many stories this week about the weight of celebrities, either too fat or too skinny. Lisa Marie Presley gained weight during pregnancy and is having trouble taking it off. If you run the National Enquirer, this is obviously a front page news exclusive.