Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: War on the set of The X-Factor!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Nicole Scherzinger! The lead singer of The Pussycat Dolls is now a judge on The X-Factor, the blatant rip-off of American False Idol Simon Cowell is trying to foist off on the American public with limited success. (He was quoted as saying audiences of less than 20 million would be a failure, a judgment he has since backed away from when the numbers came in at about 12 to 14 million viewers.)

In any case, Nicole is supposed to be feuding with fellow judge Paula Abdul, both of whom are perfect for a show like this about manufactured pop where musicianship, talent and having something to say are completely irrelevant.

To give an idea of what a failure this whole venture is, note that this story is in the Globe, one of the gossip rags whose audience skews older and poorer than the others.

Demon Drugs Alert™: Paula Abdul's new beau busted for heroin.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 July 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Enquirer reports that Paula Abdul's new fella is a former heroin addict.

I looked online for his name. He's Jeff Bratton. He owns a record label. In my book, that makes him lower than a heroin addict, but that's just me.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Paula Abdul hates J. Lo!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 24 January 2011

There are a lot of stories about bad blood going both ways between Paula Abdul and Jennifer Lopez, two alleged singers who are actually much better at dancing. The low rent Examiner says it's the former American Idol judge who hates the current one.

It may have something to do with both of them going out in public wearing the same hideous dress.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:DEATH RACE 2010

Publication: Globe
Date: 26 July 2010

Back in January, the Globe had a cover story putting together a line-up of young people who might die, most of them because of drug usage. This week, the headline is WHO WILL DIE FIRST? with pictures of celebrities of varying ages, some who have already been on the celebrity death watch, others getting their first mention in the tabloids of any kind for 2010.

Here's the list. An asterisk by a name means this is the first time they have been put on a death watch this year.

Lisa Marie Presley*: Eating herself to death
Camilla Parker-Bowles: Now weighs 200 lbs.
Mel Gibson: suicidal
Paula Abdul*: addicted to pain pills
Pamela Anderson*: binge drinking
Bret Michaels: shocking secret
Wayne Newton*: Risking it all
Heidi Montag*: surgery obsessed

A few comments.

This is not the standard fare for the Globe. The only person who qualifies for Hey Old Timer Gossip is Wayne Newton, who they mentioned once before when his pregnant daughter fell into a coma this winter. The only "regular" Globe cover girl in this list is Camilla.

If we are to believe this report, and that's a very big if when considering the Globe, the two names that should be taken seriously are Bret Michaels and Pamela Anderson, both of whom have serious documented health problems that are not conducive to hard partying.

The rest of the list... meh. I still don't believe Mel Gibson is suicidal, plenty of people put on weight without dying immediately, and since this is the first mention Paula Abdul or Wayne Newton, I'm going to need independent verification from some publication that actually has a fact-checker on the payroll.

As for Heidi Montag... please. They just wanted to put a picture of her tits on the cover, though it should be said that this is the first time she has graced the cover of any of The Three Wicked Stepsister tabloids.