Bun in the Oven Alert™: The positive stories about the pregnancy of Kate Middleton.

Publications: Globe, In Touch, Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

It has now been eight months since the first rumor of Kate Middleton being pregnant was on a cover of an American supermarket rag.  Some magazines are still printing it like it's a widely acknowledged fact and others speak of it as a future event.  Here are the nicest headlines about it this week, with the nastiest being saved for the Meanest Story of the Week competition.

• Globe: Camilla stuns pregnant Kate
  I don't want to be queen!
  Shocking reason Camilla accepted defeat
• In Touch: Kate's six weeks pregnant
  A royal baby!
  How the happy & relieved princess is getting ready: 3 nurseries, a $1 million push present & the baby's name!
  Plus: her crazy cravings
• Us: Will & Kate: Ready for baby
  She wants a boy - and a girl!
  Kate prepares to be a mom as Will's overseas duty puts their new marriage to the test

I'll believe she's pregnant when it's published in People or some other legitimate source. When she gives birth, I'll do the backward countdown to see which of the many rumored pregnancy starts deserves a scoop of the week label.

Demon Rum Alert™: Camilla's drunken tirade stuns queen

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

It's too bad that the popular Camilla in the tabloids is Camilla Parker-Bowles and not Camilla Belle. She really is cute as a bug's ear.

But since the publication date of this week's tabloids is Halloween, it's only fair we get a story about this old bat. Camilla once again got drunk, once again said nasty things about Kate and this time she stunned the queen, who should kinda sorta be used to drunks saying stupid things by now, given her family history.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™ and Bun in the Oven Alert: Kate crushes Camilla... and, oh yeah, she's gonna have a baby.

Publication: Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Once again, Kate and Camilla are at each others' throat and allegedly, the younger, taller, more fit competitor has won this round. Apparently, all Kate had to say is "Go to hell, Camilla!" and by Buckingham Palace rules, she wins!

And, as an aside at the end, the Globe lets us know the date Wills'N'Kate have set aside for the royal heir to be born.

Meanest story nominee: William orders Charles to dump Camilla now!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

In the tabloids, the Camilla Parker-Bowles of 2011 is not so much a human being as a robot programmed to attack her daughter-in-law Kate Middleton. (I know I should stop calling her by her maiden name, but I really haven't got quite used to Duchess Catherine yet.) In any case, Wills has told jug-eared Chuck that he has to get rid of her NOW.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Camilla storms out after bitter fight with Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kate Middleton is neither the queen of Great Britain or the queen of the gossip rags just yet, but she's making a good run at it. This week, the Globe says wicked step-mother Camilla Parker-Bowles has had it up to here and will not accept Kate as queen, as if she has a choice. The headline continues with Camilla fleeing to America and demanding $20 million home here.

I'm not buying it. Not the story and obviously not the house.

On the rocks alert: Charles and Camilla split!

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 29 August 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! The low rent Examiner says that Charles and Camilla have split after she said something untoward about Kate. He is supposed to be residing the Castle of Mey, while she is in the Ray Mill house.



Being rich makes this sort of thing much easier, n'est-ce pas?

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Queen orders Camilla to stop bullying Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Sorry for the weird picture. I was trying to find a shot of all three of the women in this story, Liz Windsor, Camilla Parker-Bee-otch and Long Tall Katy all together at once and this is the best I could do.

So, the Queen herself has stomped her mighty hoof and asked for the end of the alleged Camilla-Kate unpleasantness.

Though honestly, let's be fair. if Buckingham Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings, wants to end the Camilla unpleasantness once and for all, it might take a high speed paparazzi chase in a Paris tunnel, if you know what I mean.

We gotta collpser! Camilla's nervous breakdown.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us the Camilla Parker-Bowles is once again upset, or continues to be upset. If we accept the view of the Globe and the low rent Examiner, she's always in a bad mood about something. In any case, here are this week's headlines.

• She collapses in jealous fit over Kate
• "They love her! They hate me!"
  
  

I created a new label this week, "we gotta collapser" specifically for the stories in which people collpse. I went back and re-labeled stories in which variations of the word are used, and this one will be the 23rd time. As you might expect, women do more collapsing than men, delicate little flowers that they are, and while women of child bearing age get more cover stories than older women do by far, about half of the collapsing stories are about women past the age of menopause. For example, this is the third collapse in a year and a half for Camilla, so she's averaging about one every six months.

On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2011

In American gossip, the Queen Bitch is Angelina Jolie. In Brit gossip, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. She is always scheming or collapsing over some setback or saying something nasty about someone. Here in the States, almost all these stories are in the Globe or the low rent Examiner.

For the third time in a year and a half, we have a story that Charles and Camilla have already divorced. Here are the details this time.

• Camilla & Charles It's Over!
• The final bust-up
• Their $300 million divorce
• Fighting in public June 11, 2011

A year ago, the settlement was $250 million, so obviously it's been a profitable year for the royals.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Princess Kate's revenge on backstabbing Camilla.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

Today, we catch up on the folks who are in the top ten for number of stories in 2011. The Globe tells us Princess Katherine has taken off the tiara and is checking out how much damage she can do with the scepter. According to this story, she's told father-in-law Charles to divorce Camilla and William has a "shocking reaction".

Mending fences alert: William asks queen not to skip over his dad.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 May 2011

The Globe and the low rent Examiner have been the source for the stories about the order of succession to the British crown, with a bunch of headlines saying old Liz Windsor is going to pass over her first born son and give the crown to the cute kid. In history, skipping in line for the crown without murder or madness or other unpleasantness is really rare.

In any case, the low rent Examiner says Wills is a nice kid and went to bat for his dad, telling his gran that being skipped over would kill him. The take of the low rent Examiner on this is that evil Camilla wins.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bitter Camilla collapses!

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

The Globe covered the Royal Wedding, which is no surprise given how many Brits are currently running the American tabloid industry these days. The difference is that they took this opportunity to once again trash Queen Beeyotch herself, Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• "Now I'll NEVER be queen!" she sobs
• free souvenir pullout

I'm not exactly sure how many people want a free souvenir pullout of Camilla Parker-Bowles sobbing, but then again, I'm not sure who buys the Globe.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: William's bride rips into Camilla!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

For the Globe, the royal wedding that is coming up next Friday is not about the future of the British monarchy, but the start of a battle royale to see who will become Queen Bitch. Camilla Parker-Bowles may appear to already have the title sewn up, but the younger and prettier soon to be Princess Katherine is showing some spunk. According to the Globe, Kate recently told Camilla "You got rid of Diana, but you won't get rid of me!"

Oh, snap. Oh, no you din't!

It's on like Donkey Kong.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: The rest of the Wills'N'Kate stuff for the week

Publications: People, OK!, National Examiner, In Touch, Globe
Date: 25 April 2011

The royal wedding is just weeks away and the gossip rags are ramping up. A total of six stories this week, including one nominated for Meanest Story of the Week. Here are the other four.

• People: 10 page royal wedding guide (No artwork on cover. Boring.)
  
• Globe: Wills'N'Kate's Shocking blowup - on eve of wedding (It's been done. Boring.)
• National Examiner: Camilla's evil plot to ruin royal wedding
  William rushes to Kate's rescue! (Because of the rescue angle, not nominated for Meanest Story)
• In Touch: Wills'N'Kate ready for baby! (Same idea as the Star's Meanest Story nomination, just not as mean.)
  
• OK!: The latest on the Royal Wedding. [Guess what? OK!'s invited!] (The editorial staff at OK! are nice in a way that reeks of desperation.)

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, we wish the happy couple all the best.

Meanest Story nominee: Camilla calls her future step-daughter in law "Kate Simpleton".

Publication: Star
Date: 11 April 2011

Once again, the supermarket rags want us to believe that the remarkably ugly Camilla Parker-Bowles is even uglier deep down where it really counts, and I for one believe them. According to the Star, her nickname for her future step-daughter in law and future Queen of England is Kate Simpleton.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Wills'N'Kate wedding disaster!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Way back in late November, OK! printed a story about the upcoming royal wedding and blared on the cover that they were "The Official Magazine of the Royal Wedding". I write this now because I doubted that title from the very beginning and would like to point out that OK! had one speculative story about Kate's wedding dress in December and no other mentions of the couple in four months since.

The real reason that Wills'N'Kate are one of the biggest gossip stories of early 2011 is the Globe, nearly the exact opposite of OK!. OK! is the most friendly American gossip rag, while the Globe runs neck and neck with her sister publication the Enquirer as the nastiest. True to form, the Globe prints yet another story about what a nightmare the upcoming royal wedding will be. Here are this week's details.

• sex scandal explodes
• shocking rehab drama
  
• Camilla's ugly fight with bride
  

Stay classy, Globe!

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Queen will make William king when he marries Kate!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 February 2011

The rumor that Charles will never be king has been popular for some time, but the low rent Examiner goes one step further and says that Queen Elizabeth II will make William king as soon as he gets married to Kate Middleton this spring. The low rent Examiner adds the not surprising details that Charles is stunned and Camilla furious.

One can never be sure of anything that's printed in this particular rag, but I do have to say it's a present Wills'N'Kate would be sure to remember. Old Liz Windsor would hate to be the fifth person to buy the couple a George Foreman Next Grilleration™ Removable Plate Grill.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Camilla Attacks Kate Middleton ONE MORE TIME

Publications: Globe, Star
Date: 28 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Or in the case of the Globe and the Star, rehashed trash on Thursdays! Kate Middleton and Camilla Parker-Bowles were seen in public recently, but two of the dogs from the AMI kennel warn us not to be fooled. This headlines read as follows.

• Globe: Camilla attacks William's bride
  Evil smile after shocking public blow-up with Kate
• Star: Kate Clashes with Camilla
  Mother In Law from Hell

The Wills'N'Kate story is one of the most popular of the year so far, but only because some of the gossip rags have found ways to turn in negative.

Meanest Story nominee:Prince Charles has Alzheimer's

Publication: Globe
Date: 14 February 2011

There were several stories this week that could qualify as being mean, but because I see the stories every week, I dismissed several that were just re-hashes. On the other hand, the Globe claiming that Prince Charles has Alzheimer's is a new mean story and it definitely gets a Meanest Story nomination. The sub-headlines read:

• Wills'N'Kate Wedding Tragedy!
• Shocking memory loss stuns Camilla!

I have no idea if the story is true and I have little love for the monarchy, but I wouldn't wish Alzheimer's on anybody. Best wishes to Prince Charles, his family and friends.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Camilla Attacks Kate Middleton YET AGAIN

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 January 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last trash of the week... right now!

There were predictions that the American supermarket rags would be chock full of stories about Wills'N'Kate from the moment of the announcement of their engagement until the wedding itself, but so far it's just been a smattering. The obvious problem is that the drama is gone and we are fast approaching the happily ever after part.

Enter Camilla Parker-Bowles, Queen Bitch #1 according to the two shabbiest of the Wicked Step Sisters, the Globe and the low rent Examiner. This week, it's the Globe that quotes the old battleax as saying "I hate you!" directly to her future step-daughter in law.

Aw, wicked stepmothers! The cause of needless stress and strife since time immemorial. Where would the gossip rags be without them?