Meanest story nominee: Pregnant Kate collapses!

Publication: Star

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Kate Middleton's pregnancy is not a fact universally acknowledged in the supermarket rags, but the AMI kennel are very keen on the idea that she is with child and it's not going well.  Here are the headlines from the Star.

• Pregnant Kate collapses 
• Exclusive
• Frantic fight to save baby
• Ambulance called after William finds her unconscious on floor
• It happened here (caption on aerial photo)
• Terrifying medical drama at Prince Charles' Scottish retreat

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: William orders Charles to dump Camilla now!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

In the tabloids, the Camilla Parker-Bowles of 2011 is not so much a human being as a robot programmed to attack her daughter-in-law Kate Middleton. (I know I should stop calling her by her maiden name, but I really haven't got quite used to Duchess Catherine yet.) In any case, Wills has told jug-eared Chuck that he has to get rid of her NOW.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

On the rocks alert: Charles and Camilla split!

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 29 August 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! The low rent Examiner says that Charles and Camilla have split after she said something untoward about Kate. He is supposed to be residing the Castle of Mey, while she is in the Ray Mill house.



Being rich makes this sort of thing much easier, n'est-ce pas?

On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2011

In American gossip, the Queen Bitch is Angelina Jolie. In Brit gossip, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. She is always scheming or collapsing over some setback or saying something nasty about someone. Here in the States, almost all these stories are in the Globe or the low rent Examiner.

For the third time in a year and a half, we have a story that Charles and Camilla have already divorced. Here are the details this time.

• Camilla & Charles It's Over!
• The final bust-up
• Their $300 million divorce
• Fighting in public June 11, 2011

A year ago, the settlement was $250 million, so obviously it's been a profitable year for the royals.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Princess Kate's revenge on backstabbing Camilla.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

Today, we catch up on the folks who are in the top ten for number of stories in 2011. The Globe tells us Princess Katherine has taken off the tiara and is checking out how much damage she can do with the scepter. According to this story, she's told father-in-law Charles to divorce Camilla and William has a "shocking reaction".

Mending fences alert: William asks queen not to skip over his dad.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 May 2011

The Globe and the low rent Examiner have been the source for the stories about the order of succession to the British crown, with a bunch of headlines saying old Liz Windsor is going to pass over her first born son and give the crown to the cute kid. In history, skipping in line for the crown without murder or madness or other unpleasantness is really rare.

In any case, the low rent Examiner says Wills is a nice kid and went to bat for his dad, telling his gran that being skipped over would kill him. The take of the low rent Examiner on this is that evil Camilla wins.

Prince Charles apologizes to Obama for wedding snub.

Publication: Globe
Date: 23 May 2011

Prince Charles visited the White House last week, that much is true. The Globe says he apologized to Barack Hussein Obama for the snub of not being invited to the big wedding.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Queen will make William king when he marries Kate!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 February 2011

The rumor that Charles will never be king has been popular for some time, but the low rent Examiner goes one step further and says that Queen Elizabeth II will make William king as soon as he gets married to Kate Middleton this spring. The low rent Examiner adds the not surprising details that Charles is stunned and Camilla furious.

One can never be sure of anything that's printed in this particular rag, but I do have to say it's a present Wills'N'Kate would be sure to remember. Old Liz Windsor would hate to be the fifth person to buy the couple a George Foreman Next Grilleration™ Removable Plate Grill.

Meanest Story nominee:Prince Charles has Alzheimer's

Publication: Globe
Date: 14 February 2011

There were several stories this week that could qualify as being mean, but because I see the stories every week, I dismissed several that were just re-hashes. On the other hand, the Globe claiming that Prince Charles has Alzheimer's is a new mean story and it definitely gets a Meanest Story nomination. The sub-headlines read:

• Wills'N'Kate Wedding Tragedy!
• Shocking memory loss stuns Camilla!

I have no idea if the story is true and I have little love for the monarchy, but I wouldn't wish Alzheimer's on anybody. Best wishes to Prince Charles, his family and friends.

40 Biggest scandals and shockers of 2010

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 December 2010

When December rolls around, many publications do a year end review, and the Globe is the first of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter to do one in 2010. The kinds of scandals and shockers they promise inside include:

• suicide
• cheating
• gay secrets
• murder
• medical dramas

The pictures that go along with these headlines are Jonbenet Ramsey, Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Prince Charles, Marie Osmond, Penny Marshall and Gary Coleman. I'll let you play the match-up game yourself, but be careful! There are people on this list who probably get mentioned in more than one category.

Meanest Story nominee:Queen names William King

Publication: Globe
Date: 6 December 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two stories dominate the gossip rags this week, the upcoming wedding of Wills and Kate and the upcoming divorce of Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. As you might guess the stories about Wills and Kate are almost uniformly positive, but leave it to the Globe to piss in the punchbowl. They feature a headline that says QE II will skip over her son and make her grandson king when she dies. This rumor has been around for several years, based on an allegedly leaked memo from The Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings.

Bells Are Ringing with a side of Hairdresser Alert™:William bans Charles' gay lover from the wedding!Also a Meanest Story nominee

Publication: Globe
Date: 29 November 2010

Who would possibly want to rain on the love parade that is the story of the next Royal Wedding? If you guessed the Globe, give yourself two bonus points.

According to the middle Wicked Step Sister tabloid, Prince William has banned Prince Charles' gay lover from attending the wedding.

I like young Wills, but this seems unnecessarily cruel. I mean, who likes a big wedding done right more than a hairdresser?

And just because the Globe couldn't help but pee in the punchbowl when everyone else is printing positive stories about the upcoming wedding, it gets a Meanest Story nomination for this week.

Hairdresser Alert™:Prince Charles' gay lover tells all!

Publication: Globe
Date: 15 November 2010

The Globe continues with their theory that Prince Charles is gay. Last month, it was Camilla accusing him, and now they say one of his gay lovers is going to come forward with photographic evidence and The Palace, that large old building with the very sensitive feelings, is outraged.

Again, anyone who pays attention knows that there is a big difference between the Globe saying something exists and something actually existing. I'll believe this when the pictures are published.

Meanest Story nominee:Prince Charles is gay, alleges Camilla

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 October 2010

Okay, now we are getting somewhere! We were told by the Globe Charles and Camilla had a divorce war and Chuck won back in March. But wars never really end, the battles just change tactics. Now, Camilla has exposed Chuck's BIG GAY LIE! He has three gay lovers and there are shocking details from the past 30 years. Oooh, ducky!

All the stories about Camilla and Jug Eared Chuck this year come from the ragtag Wicked Step Sisters, the Globe and the Examiner. You have to know your sources are weak when even the Enquirer won't even touch this stuff. If we are to believe them, Camilla is more like a pet scorpion than an actual human being. She will lash out at anyone in striking distance and if no one comes close, she'll sting herself instead.

Note to any parents reading the blog: scorpions make bad pets.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Camilla blackmails the Queen

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 September 2010

If we are to believe the low-rent Examiner, the nearly always drunk Camilla Parker-Bowles stayed sober long enough to plot an evil scheme against her really irritating mother-in-law, old Liz Windsor herself, and this will force Liz to let Charles be king after she croaks instead of bypassing Jug Eared Chuck in favor of his hunky son Wills.

Clear enough?

The only catch in this story is that Charles is still the heir apparent legally, so there is no need for skullduggery on Camilla's part. The whole poisoning/beheading/throwing into the Tower of London thing is for people farther down the queue to do to those closer to the front, and Wills seems like much too decent a chap to do this to his dad.

On the Rocks Alert:Prince William won't marry until Chuck dumps Camilla

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 May 2010

Prince William is not yet engaged to Kate Middleton, but the tabloids seem to think it's a done deal. The Examiner, who along with the Globe are the main sources on this side of the pond about all things royal, tell us this week that William refuses to get married until his dad divorces William's evil stepmother Camilla.

Who does this boy think he is? The future monarch of the United Kingdom?

Either this picture is an optical illusion or this story is false. William, a cute young lad by any reasonable yardstick, seems to have a normal size man package fitted into his nicely tailored blue jeans. But if this story is true, the boy has balls the size of Stonehenge.

Who are you going to believe? The ever reliable National Examiner or your own lying eyes?

On the rocks alert:Charles wins divorce war

Publication: Globe

Date: 22 Mar. 2010

You might not be aware that Charles and Camilla are in a divorce war(!), but the Globe wants you to know it and furthermore, Charles has won!

When it comes to the "I got beat with an ugly stick" contest, most experts would say it's a draw, with a sizable minority giving a narrow victory to Camilla on points.

On The Rocks Alert: Camilla scarier in person

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 Feb. 2010

If we are to believe the tabloids, Camilla Parker-Bowles is quite the hellcat. In the Globe reports from this week, Jug Eared Chuck was forced to beat a hasty retreat when the little missus threw one of her patented alcohol fueled hissy fits.

For me, abolishing the monarchy is like legalizing pot. The arguments in favor make so much sense, I can't believe it isn't already a done deal.

On The Rocks Alert: Charles and Camilla

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 04 Jan. 2010

From what I can gather so far, the National Examiner may be the least reliable of the tabloids. On their cover this week, Jug-Eared Chuck has supposedly had it UP TO HERE with Camilla and her boozing, and he told her he wished he had never married her.

If you saw The Queen, you have to wonder exactly how much drinking is too much drinking in that family. Getting thrown out of that family for too much booze is like getting thrown out of an Irish punk rock band for too much booze.

I'm not saying it isn't possible. Just ask Shane MacGowan.

Still, it's a prediction and it's in the tabs, so it's right at home here at It's News 2 Them™.