Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bill and Barack hate each other.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Globe prints more stories about Barack Hussein Hitler Obama than does the low rent Examiner, but the Examiner is fond of story that the Clintons and the Obamas do not get along. This time, instead of Michelle and Hillary, it's Bill and Barack who are at each others' throats.

Hillary's heart crisis.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 22 August 2011

Do you believe the low rent Examiner has inside information about the lives of people as protected as Bill and Hillary Clinton? Me, neither! But it's my job on this blog to publish all the headlines on the American supermarket rags, so here's what the low rent Examiner has to say this week.

Hillary has a heart crisis and has had terrifying blackouts this year. Bill has given an ultimatum.

If you believe the low rent Examiner.

Man Slut Alert: Bill Clinton caught with lingerie model.

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

The Globe publishes a picture of Bill Clinton sitting next to a woman at what appears to be a conference and then a picture of her modeling lingerie, though it may not be a recent picture.

I guess if I had the choice of being portrayed as a walking corpse or a horn dog, I'd take the latter. Since his hospitalization early last year, there have been about twice as many stories about him being near death as there have been stories about him being near some honey who isn't his wife.

On the rocks alert: Clinton marriage crisis

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

There was a time when the Clinton marriage was prime tabloid fodder, but those days are long gone. This is only the second report of a Bill and Hillary Clinton marriage crisis is about a year and a half, and both reports have been in the low rent Examiner. The story says has Hillary packed on 50 lbs. after Bill threatened divorce.

Stay classy, low rent Examiner.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Bill Clinton dying!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 21 February 2011

I didn't put this story about Bill Clinton dying in the running for Meanest Story of the Week this time around because I already had a story about Chelsea's marriage falling apart which I thought was meaner. Also, as Padre Mickey pointed out, "XXX dying!" is a true story since we are all dying, but it's not really news we can use if it's published ten or twenty years before the fact.

The details in the cover story from the low rent Examiner are that he has heart disease and Parkinson's. The heart disease was confirmed when he was in hospital last year. The Parkinson's is a rumor started by the Globe about two years ago, a story which Clinton has denied, though some sites on the Internet claim it is true.

Best wishes to The Big Dog, his family and friends.

Missed deadline alert:Bill Clinton is still alive

Back last year, the Wicked Step Sisters had several health crisis posts about Bill Clinton after his hospitalization, several of which worried that he wouldn't live to see Chelsea's wedding. Back in late July, the Globe wrote he had six months to live. Those six months have come and gone, and it's been four months since there's been any mention of Clinton's health in the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids. Heart disease is a very treatable condition these days if you have enough money.

Best wishes to The Big Dog, his family and friends.

40 Biggest scandals and shockers of 2010

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 December 2010

When December rolls around, many publications do a year end review, and the Globe is the first of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter to do one in 2010. The kinds of scandals and shockers they promise inside include:

• suicide
• cheating
• gay secrets
• murder
• medical dramas

The pictures that go along with these headlines are Jonbenet Ramsey, Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Prince Charles, Marie Osmond, Penny Marshall and Gary Coleman. I'll let you play the match-up game yourself, but be careful! There are people on this list who probably get mentioned in more than one category.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Obama-Clinton war explodes!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 November 2010

As tabloid fodder, Barack Obama is now tied with Tiger Woods and Oprah Winfrey this year. The low-rent Examiner tells us that the Obama family and the Clinton family are at loggerheads over Hillary's ambitions. The headlines read:

"Obama: Hillary's running!"

"Michelle: And Bill's behind it!"

Meanest Story nominee:Bill Clinton fights for life

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 October 2010

We've heard this story before from the Three Wicked Step Sisters. Bill Clinton is in very bad shape. This is the fifth death watch article this year for The Big Dog, all of them since his hospitalization back in February. The details this time are that Chelsea fears for the worst and Hillary is going to quit her job to take care of him. A supposed quote from Bill is "I don't know how much longer I can go on."

And so this gets a nod in the Meanest Story of the Week contest.

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:Chelsea's baby surprise

Publication: Globe
Date: 23 August 2010

The headline reads "Chelsea's baby surprise - Bill breaks down". It's vague, but I'm going to count it as a Bun In The Oven Alert™. It's also the only story on the cover of the Globe that isn't totally creepy this week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Clinton snubs Obama, but not Bush

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 August 2010

According to the Examiner, Bill Clinton snubbed Barack Hussein Manson Obama while giving the thumbs up to George W. Bush. I thought this might have something to do with Chelsea's wedding, but I can't find any independent verification in real news sources. Since I refuse to open these things up to find out what the stories say, we are left with a vague headline from a publication famous for lying and being cheap.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Not Long 4 This World Alert:Chelsea's Wedding Tragedy (Bill has six months to live)

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 August 2010

After Bill Clinton's hospitalization early this year, the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids have been saying he is near death. The first was the Enquirer saying it was a toss-up whether Chelsea's wedding or Bill's funeral would happen first. As the wedding is scheduled for tomorrow, it looks like the Big Dog will be able to attend and the Flagship once again has egg on its face.

So the Enquirer sends its weak sister the Globe to continue the attack on the former president, saying he has heart disease and Parkinson's and will be dead within six months. There have been rumors about Parkinson's for some time and his hospitalization earlier this year was about heart issues, but the six months crap is just American Media, Inc.'s way of saying "We really don't like you."

There are other mean stories this week, but to print this just before Chelsea's wedding makes it my choice for Meanest Story Of The Week, hands down.

On the Rocks Alert:Bill and Hillary's $200 million divorce deal

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 August 2010

Believe it or not, this is the first On The Rocks alert for the Clintons this year. They are WAY behind both the Bushes and the Obamas in reports on the horrible state of their respective marriages.

All these reports have been in the Examiner or the Globe, so you can pay attention to them or not, completely up to you.

This report says there's going to be a divorce and that $200,000,000 is changing hands. There is no clarification on who will be paying whom.

Weekly World News alert:Hillary controls Bill with voodoo!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 5 July 2010

Sure, the Weekly World News is a shadow of its former self, but sometimes you still gotta love 'em. The World's Fattest Cat and World's Fattest Dog bore me silly and killing the Two Headed Bigfoot on the White House lawn earlier this month was spending too much fun too early on a single story.

But all is forgiven this week as we learn that Hillary Clinton is controlling Bill with voodoo. So, all those diplomatic trips to Haiti paid some dividends after all!

She might want to put a few pins in the voodoo doll Bill's elbow, because he's been bending it a lot lately. He was sitting next to Mick Jagger at the U.S.A.-Ghana match today. Mick looked fit, trim, happy and completely engaged in the exciting match. Bill looked crunk.*

Just sayin'.

*(Short for crazy drunk for my friends not keeping up on the street lingo.)

Bill and Hillary snub niece on food stamps

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 31 May 2010

Here it is, May is almost over, and Hillary Clinton shows up in the tabloids for the first time. Could it be that Bill and Hillary are finally going to split?

Ah, hellz no, as we say in Oakland.

Bill and Hillary are cheap, uncaring bastids!

They have a niece on food stamps and they won't throw her a bone. Obviously, family isn't important to liberals!

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Bill Clinton drinking himself to death

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

This is the third report from three different tabloids that Bill Clinton is not long for this world. There is the true story part of it that he was hospitalized after an incident of heart trouble, reported by the Associated Press, but the tabloids have told us the situation is far worse than people have let on. The Examiner adds the new detail that he is drinking himself to death.

For anyone coming to this blog for the first time to this post, you should know that as of April 3, 2010, the tabloids have told us that 24 different people are close to death so far this year, and as of early April, all 24 are still alive.

Best wishes to President Clinton and his family.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Bill Clinton needs a heart transplant

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 Mar. 2010

The Globe, that completely reliable source that reported the Bushes and the Obamas are both close to divorce, tells us Bill Clinton is close to death. The stents he had inserted are not enough and he needs a heart transplant.

This is also the tabloid that told us this week Portia De Rossi has a deadly disease, but didn't think we'd know her name, so instead called her "Ellen's wife".

(Indirect) Not Long 4 This World Alert: Bill Clinton

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 Mar. 2010

The Flagship tells us that Chelsea is racing to get married because she wants her happy day to happen before her dad's funeral.

Stay classy, Enquirer! Don't let that Pulitzer nomination go to your head.

Hospitalization alert: Bill Clinton

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 11 Feb. 2010

The tabloids could have told us the Big Dog was in danger of heart problems instead of telling us al-Qaeda almost killed him, but that would have been news we could use.

Forty years ago, someone in Clinton's situation would have been in serious trouble, but the stent technology makes a huge difference. Best wishes to the Big Dog and his family.

Close Shave Alert™: Al-Qaeda almost kills Bill Clinton

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

The new tabloids are starting to show up at my local spots, but I've started teaching again and my schedule is such that it will be easier to start reporting new stuff on Fridays. But just to keep my hand in, I've created a new category called the Close Shave Alert™. Unlike the original rules for categories, there is no way to test if these are right or wrong, but from what I've seen so far, this is a type of story the tabs love to put on the cover.

According to the National Examiner, a plot on Bill Clinton's life missed by a matter of minutes and was thwarted by some brave anonymous Jack Bauer type guy in the Secret Service. Of course, you might think an attempt on the life of a former president would be the kind of story that would be reported in The New York Times or on the TV, but if you really want people to know about it, of course you leak it to the National Examiner first.

And now you know the rest of the story.

You're welcome.