Breaking news: James Arness dead at 88.

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 3 June 2011

James Arness, the tall, rugged actor who played Marshall Matt Dillon on Gunsmoke for twenty years, died today at the age of 88. The low rent Examiner put him on the tabloid death watch about three months ago. His younger brother Peter Graves died last year.

Best wishes to the family and friends of James Arness.

Breaking news: Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a woman from his household staff.

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 17 May 2011

Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to fathering the child of a woman who worked on his household staff. This incident of infidelity happened before he took office as governor.

Breaking news: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver separate.

Publication: Associated Press (via the Huffington Thing)
Date: 9 May 2011

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have announced that they are separating.

Shit. I thought Kennedy girls put up with anything. Either she's grown some self-esteem or he is even a more miserable scumbag than I had previously imagined.

It could be both.

This is usually where I wish all concerned the best, but when Arnold became governor, I had work and then I didn't because he cut the community college budget.

I hope he contracts something slow and painful.

Breaking news:Christina Aguilera arrested for public drunkenness, her boyfriend for DUI.

Publication: Associated Press (via Huffington Post)
Date: 1 March 2011

Almost as if on cue, Christina Aguilera has been arrested after the supermarket rags have been saying she's a drunken mess. She was arrested for public drunkenness and released on bail, while her boyfriend Matthew Rutler was charged with a DUI and remains in custody.

Miley Cyrus may not be able to beat the competition from the older generation.

Breaking news:Kelly Preston gives birth

Publication: Associated Press (via Popeater. com)
Date: 24 November 2010

Kelly Preston has given birth to an 8 lb. 3 oz. (3.8 kg) baby boy Benjamin, and both are resting comfortably.

Breaking news:Charlie Sheen found naked and drunk in a New York hotel room

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 26 October 2010

Charlie Sheen was briefly hospitalized after being found drunk and naked in a New York hotel room.

You may ask, if you can't be drunk and naked in a hotel room, what are you paying for? Apparently, his companion at the time called to complain that he was yelling and breaking furniture.

And, oh yes, he was paying his companion by the hour.

And his companion met Denise Richards earlier in the evening.

The cops were called but no arrests were made.

News breaking on a Tuesday is hard to slip in under the deadline, so we can't be sure if any of the supermarket rags will have it on the cover this week, but I am unofficially going to give Charlie Sheen the title of Craziest Motherfucker in Show Business 2010. If Mel Gibson has any more shenanigans between now and New Year's, he might be able to snatch the title away, but let's be honest. Mel threatens people with words, Charlie prefers knives and furniture.

The bar has been set very high.

Breaking news: Another intruder at Paris Hilton's house

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 13 October 2010

Another intruder has been arrested on Paris Hilton's property. Here are three working theories.

1. Paris attracts really motivated stalkers.
2. Security at her place really sucks.
3. That girl should pay the people from whom she is buying drugs, because they people are really not playing.

Breaking news:Lindsay Lohan released from jail

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 25 September 2010

Well, that was fast. Some judge gets his or her panties in a twist and throws some starlet in the can. (It's almost never a guy anymore.) Then some lawyer finds some other judge who isn't full of umbrage and the starlet is back on the streets.

Lindsay Lohan didn't see even twenty four hours of incarceration for her latest transgression, but there is another hearing on October 22.

Breaking news:Paris Hilton denied entry to Japan

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 22 September 2010

Paris Hilton is NOT a star of the supermarket gossip rags, but the online gossip sources can't get enough of her. Not that she's had yet another run-in with the law, she makes the semi-real news regularly. Japan has denied her entry to the country because of her recent cocaine arrest.

Life can be hard when you are young and stupid.

Breaking news:Patricia Neal dead at 84

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 8 August 2010

Oscar-winning actress Patricia Neal has died at the age of 84. The cause was lung cancer.

Ms. Neal's life had more than its share of tragedy, losing one of her children to measles and having a series of strokes before the age of 40. Among her best known films are The Fountainhead, The Day The Earth Stood Still, A Face In The Crowd and Hud. She originated the role of Olivia Walton in The Homecoming: A Christmas Story, which served as the pilot for the long running series The Waltons, where Miss Michael Learned played the role.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Ms. Neal, from a fan.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:Megan Fox marries Brian Austin Green in Hawaii

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 29 June 2010

Yet another celebrity couple gets married away from the prying eyes of the tabloid press. Megan Fox, known for her hotness and not that much else, married her longtime boyfriend Brian Austin Green. You might remember him from Beverly Hills 90210 or you might not. It's okay either way.

Fox and Green join other "secret" marriages this year, including Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, Rush Limbaugh getting hitched for the fourth time and Vince Vaughn marrying Kyla Weber.

Math update: He's 36 and she's 24. By the Sophisticated French Rule, half his age plus seven is 25. They got engaged four years ago, when the age difference was even worse, so he is officially a cradle robber.

Even by Sophisticated French standards.

Hospitalization alert:Gary Coleman

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 27 May 2010

Gary Coleman is in the hospital in critical condition. No other details at this time.

Best wishes to Gary, his friends and family.

She Fought The Law Alert™:Lindsay Lohan arrest warrant issued

Publication: Associated Press

Date: 20 May 2010

The supermarket rags do not give a fig about Lindsay Lohan. She showed up once this year in a story in the National Enquirer about celebrities that are too fat or too skinny. She's too skinny.

She is also one freaking hot mess.

There are other drunken starlets and socialites, but most of them have kept themselves out of the spotlight this year. Lindsay is a favorite of online gossip, but the Only Ten Magazines That Matter have decided their readers don't know who she is.

They've done plenty of demographic research. They are probably right. Leave it to the sources where people under 40 get their news.

Breaking news:Bret Michaels hospitalized

Publication: Associated Press

Date: Apr. 23 2010

Bret Michaels, leader singer of the rock band Poison, is in critical condition following a massive brain hemorrhage. Last week, he was in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. He was diagnosed with Type I diabetes when he was six.

Best wishes to Mr. Michaels on a full recovery.

Leaving the Love Boat™:Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet divorcing

Publication: Associated Press

Date: 15 March 2010

There have been a lot of celebrity couples breaking up recently that have not been reported in the tabloids, most of them unmarried, but this is the one with the most celebrity and an actual divorce. Director Sam Mendes and actress Kate Winslett (sigh!) are going their separate ways. Sources say it is amicable. That may be why the tabloids don't care.

I certainly consider this couple closer to British royalty than those ugly, useless prats who live in Buckingham Palace.

He Fought The Law Alert™: Sean Penn hits yet another paparazzo

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 19 Feb. 2010

Initiating physical violence against another human being is a horrible thing. Of course, I say this with such absolute authority because I've never had to deal with the paparazzi.

Sean Penn is the latest in a series of celebrities who got fed up and took a swipe at a photographer. If convicted, he could get 18 months in jail.

On the rocks update:Dennis Hopper gets a restraining order on his wife

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 11 Feb. 2010

In actual news verifiable by court records, Dennis Hopper is moving forward with his divorce of his wife Victoria and a restraining order from a judge requires Ms. Hopper to stay at least ten feet away from her husband.

So what's he going to get her for Valentine's Day, an ankle bracelet?

Hospitalization alert: Bill Clinton

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 11 Feb. 2010

The tabloids could have told us the Big Dog was in danger of heart problems instead of telling us al-Qaeda almost killed him, but that would have been news we could use.

Forty years ago, someone in Clinton's situation would have been in serious trouble, but the stent technology makes a huge difference. Best wishes to the Big Dog and his family.

Hospitalization Alert: Alec Baldwin

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 11 Feb. 2010

Actor Alec Baldwin was rushed to a hospital last evening, after his daughter called an ambulance. She told the paramedics that he had threatened to take pills.

Family troubles. I don't wish them on anybody.

Demon Rum Alert™: Rip Torn arrested

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 30 Jan. 2010

Here is a major problem with the tabloid business model. All of them are published once a week on Thursday, and celebrities are being idiots 24/7.

Take for example Rip Torn, a fine actor with a silly but memorable name. Not content with having been arrested for drunk driving, which he already has been three times in his life, the 78 year old actor was arrested in Connecticut on Friday night for breaking into a local bank after hours with a loaded revolver while loaded himself.

I see no way that this cleverly thought out plan could fail.