Love bird alert™: J. Lo dating a 24-year-old.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays.  Two stories about Jennifer Lopez, singer, actress, TV personality and high maintenance beee-yotch extraordinaire, has a new boy toy who does not meet the Sophisticated French Rule.  She is now 42, so half her age plus seven is 28 and she is dating a 24-year-old.

Typical diva nonsense.  Here are the headlines.

• People: J. Lo's new man: He's 24
• Weekly Life & Style:  42-year-old J. Lo dating a 24-year-old!

 Here's where I usually type some encouragement, but this woman has to get over herself.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Scarlett trapped in Sean's dirty divorce.

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 6 June 2011

Star writes that Scarlett Johansson is trapped inside Sean Penn's divorce proceedings. In point of fact, the divorce from Robin Wright Penn was finalized last August, so she's really trapped in a nasty post-divorce situation.

I've been so creeped out by this story, I didn't do the math for the Sophisticated French Rule, which says that an older person may date a younger person if the younger party is more than half the elder's age plus seven. Sean Penn is 50 and Scarlett Johansson is 26, so this is a massive fail of the Sophisticated French Rule. To give you an idea of how bad this is, ten years from now when he is 60 and she is 36, she's still too young for him.

Ick.

Love Bird Alert™: Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively.

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style

Date: 6 June 2011

Plenty of stories about a new couple this week. Leonardo DiCaprio is no longer dating supermodel Bar Refaeli, but has been seen in Cannes with actress Blake Lively. Here are the headlines.

• People: Blake and Leo - heating up
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Leo chose Blake Lively over a supermodel
• Us Weekly: Blake and Leo - a new romance

It's easy to think of Leo as a kid, but in fact he's 36. Since they are in Cannes, it's only fair to bring up the Sophisticated French Rule. Half his age plus seven is 25.

Bar Refaeli is 25. Blake Lively is 23. If this was a trade in for youth, it's a bad sign.

Is Jake too old for Taylor?

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 December 2010

Well, finally somebody somewhere does a little math. The Sophisticated French Rule is that a man can cut his age in half and add seven to that, and anyone that old or older is fair game for romance.

Jake Gyllenhaal is 30. Half of that is 15, add seven is 22. Taylor Swift is 20. Ergo, she is too young for him.

Next lesson: The metric system.

Love Bird Alert™:Taylor and Jake's secret getaway

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 15 November 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow. Last trash of the week... right now!

This was an unusual week in the gossip rags. The big stars of the year so far were almost completely ignored. No Sandra Bullock, no BrAngelina, not one mention of a Kardashian. Jennifer Aniston got half a story for being 41 and hot. Us Weekly does have a cover story about a couple that appears to be a new gossip favorite, actor Jake Gyllenhaal and singer Taylor Swift.

I was surprised to find that Jake is only 29, while Taylor is 20. While that isn't a huge creepy age difference, it does break the sophisticated French rule of half your age plus seven. By that standard, Jake shouldn't date anyone younger than 22.

Ah, but it's young people in love, and do they listen to their elders? Almost never.

Love Bird Alert™:Taylor Swift is dating Jake Gyllenhaal

Publication: People, Us Weekly
Date: 8 November 2010

Rumors are swirling around Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal. They met on Saturday Night Live and allegedly went apple picking out of town together, though there isn't a picture of them in the same shot. Here are the headlines.

People: Jake and Taylor?
Us Weekly: Taylor and Jake - sudden romance

He's 30 and she's 20, so he's trolling under the Sophisticated French Rule of half your age plus seven.

Breaking news:Kelsey Grammer's girfriend has miscarriage

Publication: Popeater.com
Date: 9 October 2010

We have already been alerted to the fact that Kelsey Grammer has left his wife to take up with Kayte Walsh, a 29 year old former stewardess who is too young for him even using the Sophisticated French Rule of half your age plus seven. Back in August, the news was that she was pregnant, and now we are informed she had a miscarriage about six weeks ago. Counting back, this means she lost the baby about the time the news became gossip rag fodder.

I have plenty of reasons to dislike Kelsey Grammer, a whiny little right-wing bitch who thinks his shit doesn't stink, but I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:Megan Fox marries Brian Austin Green in Hawaii

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 29 June 2010

Yet another celebrity couple gets married away from the prying eyes of the tabloid press. Megan Fox, known for her hotness and not that much else, married her longtime boyfriend Brian Austin Green. You might remember him from Beverly Hills 90210 or you might not. It's okay either way.

Fox and Green join other "secret" marriages this year, including Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart, Rush Limbaugh getting hitched for the fourth time and Vince Vaughn marrying Kyla Weber.

Math update: He's 36 and she's 24. By the Sophisticated French Rule, half his age plus seven is 25. They got engaged four years ago, when the age difference was even worse, so he is officially a cradle robber.

Even by Sophisticated French standards.

Love Bird Alert™:Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber on a beach

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 June 2010

Fresh trash on Thursday! This week, the lead morning story is Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian holding hands in the Bahamas.

From Justin's point of view: He's 16, for pity's sake. A world full of hot chicks are throwing themselves at him. Even if this is just more publicity nonsense, it's a situation full of win for him.

From Kim's point of view: More publicity. She needs publicity like the rest of us need oxygen.

From his fans' point of view: If they were in charge of this blog, this would be a Skeeter Davis Alert™.

From this blog's point of view: Glomming onto Cristiano Ronaldo first and Justin Bieber now has opened my eyes to the level of Kim K.'s fame whoredom. Also, if the Sophisticated French Rule (half your age plus seven is okay) applies to women as well as men, she shouldn't be pretending to be the girlfriend of anyone younger than 22.

I won't include a picture of the disapproving rabbit, but it was a close call.

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:Rush Limbaugh marries wife #4

Publication: People (online)
Date: 6 June 2010

Rush Limbaugh has married for the fourth time to a 33 year old woman 25 years his junior.

You know the sophisticated French rule that you can cut your age in half and add seven and anyone older than that is fair game? Fail. Rush is 58, so a woman would have to be at least 36 to fall into that category for him.

Elton John played at the wedding. He was paid $1,000,000. It wasn't worth it, Reg.

There was a recent fawning puff piece on Limbaugh and the description of his house matches the picture we see above. Opulent. Ornate. Chi-chi. Liberace-esque.

Are we absolutely certain we know what team Mr. Limbaugh is batting for?

Leaving the Love Boat™:Larry King files for divorce

Publication: TMZ online

Date: 14 Apr. 2010

I'm already calling People magazine The Gold Standard, which is too bad, because I now realize there is something much, much better, but it's not a supermarket rag. The website TMZ is the most reliable source of gossip available because they actually put links to court documents.

We've had the word "divorce" thrown around a lot of times in the past few months, but divorce is a legal matter and a record of it has to be made public. Larry King is divorcing his wife Shawn. They were married since 1997, which means she was the first of his wives to last more than ten years. When they married, he was 66 and she was 34, so the Sophisticated French Rule (half your age plus seven) was broken.

I've seen people online complain about how sleazy TMZ is, but in truth the website is head and shoulders above any other source I've seen because they back their stuff up IN WRITING. Because of this unique approach, I am giving them the new nickname of The Paper Trail, and I recommend my readers take what they read on TMZ more seriously than other gossip sources, especially when they produce court documents.