On the rocks alert:Drugs, Spies and a Sex Tape for TomKat

Publication: Star magazine

Date: 3 May 2010

The stories in the Star and the Enquirer may be from the same source. Remember that Katie discovered Tom's secret life in the other story, so that may have involved the spies. But the other story said he's gay and this one says there's drugs and a sex tape.

Could she be the drugged out slut? It could be, but I'd have to buy the magazine and read it to find out for sure, and I'm just not that interested.

On the rocks alert with a side of Hairdresser:Tom confesses to Katie

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 3 May 2010

When I started this blog, I was of the opinion that the tabloids were always predicting the break-up of BrAngelina and TomKat. This week marks the first two On The Rocks Alerts this year for Tom and Katie.

The Flagship says that Katie Holmes has discovered Tom's secret life, and that when confronted with her discovery, he has confessed to a male lover and to drug use.

Honestly, I'm relieved it's just sex and drugs. There could have been rock 'n' roll as well. Tom Cruise rocking out would be just too much to bear.

Leaving the Love Boat™:Larry King files for divorce

Publication: TMZ online

Date: 14 Apr. 2010

I'm already calling People magazine The Gold Standard, which is too bad, because I now realize there is something much, much better, but it's not a supermarket rag. The website TMZ is the most reliable source of gossip available because they actually put links to court documents.

We've had the word "divorce" thrown around a lot of times in the past few months, but divorce is a legal matter and a record of it has to be made public. Larry King is divorcing his wife Shawn. They were married since 1997, which means she was the first of his wives to last more than ten years. When they married, he was 66 and she was 34, so the Sophisticated French Rule (half your age plus seven) was broken.

I've seen people online complain about how sleazy TMZ is, but in truth the website is head and shoulders above any other source I've seen because they back their stuff up IN WRITING. Because of this unique approach, I am giving them the new nickname of The Paper Trail, and I recommend my readers take what they read on TMZ more seriously than other gossip sources, especially when they produce court documents.

On the rocks alert:Paul Anka divorcing his gigantic Swedish child bride

Publication: Globe
Date: 22 Feb. 2010

Readers of my other blog will recognize the label gigantic child bride. This refers to men who marry women who are both much younger and much taller than they are. From what I can tell, Paul Anka's wife, former beauty queen Anna Åberg, might be slightly taller than he is, he's 68 and she's 38, so let's put them on the list quickly before we remove them.

Paul and Anna married in 2008. They have one child, though both of them have acted like children several times. He called the cops on her in 2008 when she threw an ice cube at him. He says he never pulled a gun on her, she says otherwise.

You know, that kind of marriage.

I have never seen Paul Anka sing live and I have no intention of ever doing so, but if he sang a song called You Hit Me with an Ice Cube instead of You're Having My Baby, who knows? I might check out one of his shows.