Breaking news: Jeff Conaway dead at 60

Publication: Associated Press

Date: 27 May 2011

Jeff Conaway, the actor who made his name in the movie Grease and the TV shows Taxi and Babylon 5, has died at the age of 60. Younger viewers will probably know him better from the VH-1 reality shows Celebrity Fit Club and Celebrity Rehab.

Conaway's problems with booze and drugs were both epic and public, but none of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter decided it was worth saying these were his Brave Last Days. There was one headline last week that said John Travolta was trying to save his tragic friend, but saving a tragic friend doe NOT count as a death prediction. He could have just been trying to save him from booze, not the grave.

Best wishes to the friends and family of Jeff Conaway from a fan of Babylon 5.

Breaking news: Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a woman from his household staff.

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 17 May 2011

Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to fathering the child of a woman who worked on his household staff. This incident of infidelity happened before he took office as governor.

Breaking news: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver separate.

Publication: Associated Press (via the Huffington Thing)
Date: 9 May 2011

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have announced that they are separating.

Shit. I thought Kennedy girls put up with anything. Either she's grown some self-esteem or he is even a more miserable scumbag than I had previously imagined.

It could be both.

This is usually where I wish all concerned the best, but when Arnold became governor, I had work and then I didn't because he cut the community college budget.

I hope he contracts something slow and painful.

Breaking news:Jesse James and Kat Von D engaged.

Publication: Huffington Post
Date: 20 January 2011

It has been confirmed that man slut Jesse James and his skanky tattoo pal Kat Von D are engaged to be married. Apparently, they have been tweeting about it for over a week and it took this long for anyone to notice. There might be something on a cover of a supermarket rag next week, but maybe not. In terms of fame, he traded way down.

Breaking news:Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson to divorce

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 14 December 2010

Welcome to gossip hell, Scarlett Johansson! Her two year marriage to Ryan Reynolds, recently picked as People's sexiest man of 2010, is now over.

These two are much more popular in the online gossip world, simply because the audience skews younger and Scarlett shows up on the red carpet in "Day-um she's hott!" clothes frequently. Now that they are both on the market again, I expect they will get the same treatment in 2011 that Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal did in 2010.

Because the news broke mid-day on a Tuesday, it's not certain the story will be covered in the rags that are printed tomorrow and on the stands on early Thursday.

Breaking news:Leslie Nielsen dead at 84

Publication: Associated Press (via the Sydney Morning Herald)
Date: 28 November 2010

Leslie Nielsen, the Canadian actor who started as a leading man in movies like Forbidden Planet and went on to a successful career in TV dramas, all of that nearly forgotten because of his even bigger successes late in his career in zany madcap comedies like Airplane! and The Naked Gun, has died at the age of 84 of complications from pneumonia. Surely, the supermarket gossip magazines will have cover story tributes to him in next week's editions.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Leslie Neilsen, from a fan.

And don't call him Shirley.

Jill Clayburgh dead at 66

Jill Clayburgh, the Oscar nominated actress whose career was at its peak in the late 1970s and early 1980s and who kept working until this year, has died of leukemia at the age of 66. She was nominated twice in in 1978 and 1979 for An Unmarried Woman and Starting Over, losing to Jane Fonda and Sally Field, respectively. Her family kept her condition a well-guarded secret and even co-stars on recent TV shows and films she appeared in were unaware of the situation. She had a recurring role on Dirty Sexy Money, which went off the air last year, and she will appear in two films that are not yet released, Love and Other Drugs which opens later this month, and Bridesmaids, now in post-production and scheduled for next year.

66 is way too young and it was a complete surprise that she was sick.

Best wishes to her family and friends, from a fan.

Breaking news:James MacArthur dead at 72

James MacArthur, best known for his role as Dan-O on Hawaii 5-0, has died at the age of 72 of natural causes. In this day and age, that's way too young.

He was the adopted son of Charles MacArthur and Helen Hayes. His godmother was Lilian Gish. He caught the acting bug and made it to Broadway. He did several roles for Disney and guest shots on TV before catching his big break on Hawaii 5-0.

Best wishes to his family and friends.

Breaking news:Charlie Sheen found naked and drunk in a New York hotel room

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 26 October 2010

Charlie Sheen was briefly hospitalized after being found drunk and naked in a New York hotel room.

You may ask, if you can't be drunk and naked in a hotel room, what are you paying for? Apparently, his companion at the time called to complain that he was yelling and breaking furniture.

And, oh yes, he was paying his companion by the hour.

And his companion met Denise Richards earlier in the evening.

The cops were called but no arrests were made.

News breaking on a Tuesday is hard to slip in under the deadline, so we can't be sure if any of the supermarket rags will have it on the cover this week, but I am unofficially going to give Charlie Sheen the title of Craziest Motherfucker in Show Business 2010. If Mel Gibson has any more shenanigans between now and New Year's, he might be able to snatch the title away, but let's be honest. Mel threatens people with words, Charlie prefers knives and furniture.

The bar has been set very high.

Breaking news:Matt Damon's wife gives birth

Matt Damon's wife Luciana Barrosa has given birth to a daughter Stella. This is the third child the couple has had together, all girls, and Ms. Barrosa also has a daughter from a previous marriage.

It may not be quite correct to say the tabloids were scooped on this. While Matt Damon clearly counts as a movie star, the supermarket rags leave him completely alone, probably because he's happily married and his wife isn't famous.

Breaking news:Tom Bosley dead at 83

Many sources on the 'Net, including Popeater.com, are reporting the death of Tom Bosley today from complications for a staph infection. He turned 83 at the beginning of this month. He won a Tony in 1959 for the lead role in Fiorello!, but is known to audiences for his ten year run as Howard Cunningham on Happy Days. A lot of sitcom stars never get another chance to play a different role with popular success, but Bosley also had a four year run in the Father Dowling Mystery series in the late 1980s and early 1990s. His most recent work was in The Back Up Plan with Jennifer Lopez, a movie released this year.

Best wishes to his family and friends, from a fan.

Breaking news: Another intruder at Paris Hilton's house

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 13 October 2010

Another intruder has been arrested on Paris Hilton's property. Here are three working theories.

1. Paris attracts really motivated stalkers.
2. Security at her place really sucks.
3. That girl should pay the people from whom she is buying drugs, because they people are really not playing.

Breaking news:Kelsey Grammer's girfriend has miscarriage

Publication: Popeater.com
Date: 9 October 2010

We have already been alerted to the fact that Kelsey Grammer has left his wife to take up with Kayte Walsh, a 29 year old former stewardess who is too young for him even using the Sophisticated French Rule of half your age plus seven. Back in August, the news was that she was pregnant, and now we are informed she had a miscarriage about six weeks ago. Counting back, this means she lost the baby about the time the news became gossip rag fodder.

I have plenty of reasons to dislike Kelsey Grammer, a whiny little right-wing bitch who thinks his shit doesn't stink, but I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

Breaking news:Lindsay Lohan released from jail

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 25 September 2010

Well, that was fast. Some judge gets his or her panties in a twist and throws some starlet in the can. (It's almost never a guy anymore.) Then some lawyer finds some other judge who isn't full of umbrage and the starlet is back on the streets.

Lindsay Lohan didn't see even twenty four hours of incarceration for her latest transgression, but there is another hearing on October 22.

She Fought The Law Alert™:Lindsay Lohan back to jail

Publication: tmz.com
Date: 24 September 2010

The supermarket rags don't care that much, but if Lindsay Lohan didn't exist, online gossip site would have to invent her. She admits she did drugs she wasn't supposed to and the judge threw her narrow ass in county quicker than you can say, "C'mon, just one line of blow. Who's gonna know?"

Her lawyer has appealed the denial of bail, but if that doesn't work, she will be enjoying the largesse of the county until Oct. 22, the date of her next hearing.

Breaking news:Eddie Fisher dead at 82

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 24 September 2010

Eddie Fisher, the singer who married Debbie Reynolds then dumped her for Elizabeth Taylor who dumped him in return, has died at the age of 82. He is survived by several ex-wives and four children, most of whom hated his guts.

While is isn't a big star that young people will remember, he is exactly the right type of performer for the demographic of the Wicked Step Sister tabloids, where the vast majority of Brave Last Days alerts are found.

She Fought The Law Alert™:Paris Hilton arrested in Las Vegas

Publication: TMZ.com
Date: 28 August 2010

As I have said before, the problem with the supermarket rag business model is that they publish once a week while celebrities are doing stupid shit every day around the clock. Paris Hilton was arrested last night in Las Vegas for possession of cocaine. She was a passenger in a car that got stopped and the cops found the coke. She was released on her own recognizance.

Hey, who can't recognize Paris Hilton?

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. This is because the cops take the evidence and they don't let you have it back.

Breaking news:Patricia Neal dead at 84

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 8 August 2010

Oscar-winning actress Patricia Neal has died at the age of 84. The cause was lung cancer.

Ms. Neal's life had more than its share of tragedy, losing one of her children to measles and having a series of strokes before the age of 40. Among her best known films are The Fountainhead, The Day The Earth Stood Still, A Face In The Crowd and Hud. She originated the role of Olivia Walton in The Homecoming: A Christmas Story, which served as the pilot for the long running series The Waltons, where Miss Michael Learned played the role.

Best wishes to the family and friends of Ms. Neal, from a fan.

He fought the Law alert:Charlie Sheen pleads guilty, gets 30 days in rehab

Publication: Today website
Date: 3 August 2010

Charlie Sheen plead guilty to misdemeanor assault in an Aspen courtroom yesterday and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab. The judge considered jail time, but thought Sheen would be a bad influence on the other prisoners.

Breaking news:Ellen DeGeneres leaving American Idol

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 30 July 2010

The big gossip news today is that Ellen DeGeneres has decided to leave American Idol. The story makes it sound like the departure is her idea, which is a different take than the Examiner had in early June when they said she would be fired.

Other sources may weigh in to say she was actually forced out, but Ellen's reason sounds like her. She likes helping make people's dreams come true and she kind of hates crushing people's hopes. American Idol is a lot more about crushing than it is about helping, though the evidence is strong that losing on that show is a better career move than winning.

Best wishes to Ellen in her future plans. She still has her daytime TV show and her cute as a button wife, so life can't suck much.