Ellen wants to be Oprah.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The low rent Examiner says they have all the details about how Ellen DeGeneres wants to be Oprah Winfrey.

I see three challenges in this understandable life's wish.

1. There's the whole skin tone/ethnicity thing.
2. You, Ellen, actually have a skill as a comedian, while Oprah's skill is more difficult to define.
3. You, Ellen, are gay, while Oprah is...

Okay, maybe I only see two challenges.

Weekly World News alert: CIA's new weapon against terror: Ellen's cupcakes!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This headline was almost good enough to make me open the magazine. The CIA is fighting terror using Ellen DeGeneres' cupcakes!

I looked online and, wonder of wonders, this story is almost true! It's actually MI6, the British intelligence agency, who replaced a sugar-based bomb instruction set with Ms. DeGeneres's cupcake recipe.

OMG, the Weekly World News almost tells the whole truth. I have to re-think all my pre-conceptions about Batboy and the alien who endorses presidential candidates now.

Rich people are rich: Ellen's $60 million estate.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

While she is no longer on American False Idol, Ellen DeGeneres is still on daytime TV, which means she is of interest to the low rent Examiner's target demographic. Of all the homes mention in the category "Rich People Are Rich" in the last year and a half, this is the most expensive price on a house by at least a factor of two.

Damn You Not Skinny Alert™:Portia De Rossi once weighed 82. lbs

Publication: People
Date: 15 November 2010

People magazine does a cover story about Portia De Rossi, who has a memoir coming out. She tells the story of her battle with anorexia and that she weighed as little as 82 lbs. Other details include how ravaged her body was by the disorder and how Ellen Degeneres' love for her helped pull her through.

Personally, I liked her work on Arrested Development but there were times when she looked way too skinny. Glad to hear she got over it.

Breaking news:Ellen DeGeneres leaving American Idol

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 30 July 2010

The big gossip news today is that Ellen DeGeneres has decided to leave American Idol. The story makes it sound like the departure is her idea, which is a different take than the Examiner had in early June when they said she would be fired.

Other sources may weigh in to say she was actually forced out, but Ellen's reason sounds like her. She likes helping make people's dreams come true and she kind of hates crushing people's hopes. American Idol is a lot more about crushing than it is about helping, though the evidence is strong that losing on that show is a better career move than winning.

Best wishes to Ellen in her future plans. She still has her daytime TV show and her cute as a button wife, so life can't suck much.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Ellen Degeneres will have twins!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 26 July 2010

My two favorite stories this week are both from the Weekly World News headlines. This is rare because the WWN usually only gets a single headline on the Sun cover. We had the return of Satan's face, this time in the BP oil spill, but also, one of the tabloid's "top psychics" foresees Ms. Ellen Degeneres being pregnant with twins!

There's a meta-joke going on here. The Sun is the tabloid that completely admits it's just making stuff up, and the crew at WWN make up the wackiest stuff on the cover they share with the editorial department from the Sun. Do I believe Ellen will be pregnant with twins? Not in the least, but there have been at least a half dozen Bun In The Oven Alerts™ this year that have been just as bogus as this one, including Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson, Rachel Uchitel and Gayle King. None of those were made by psychics.

Ellen Degeneres will be fired from American Idol

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 June 2010

The Examiner has the special scoop that American Idol will fire Ellen DeGeneres from her job as a judge on the show. I have not seen any confirmation anywhere else, so I will assume it's just more Examiner crap until proven otherwise.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Ellen and Simon are wrecking American Idol

Publication: Globe

Date: 15 Mar. 2010

The end of the tabloid week is upon us, and on Wednesdays I write up the headlines that didn't interest me that much during the week.

Once again, we are told that Ellen and Simon don't get along and that they are ruining American Idol.

For me, this isn't good enough. I want to see the "Brave Last Days" alert or "Not Long 4 This World" alert for this show. Just let me know when this nonsense will end and then I'll be happy.

(Indirect) Not Long 4 This World Alert: Portia De Rossi

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 Mar. 2010

This week a new sub-category arrives, the Indirect Not Long 4 This World alert. The Globe tells us that Ellen DeGeneres is shattered because the woman she married is gravely ill. Besides reminding folks who are paying extremely little attention that Ellen is gay, the Globe is saying that Portia De Rossi is not well enough known to get her own headline. How "famous enough for a headline" is defined by the tabloids is anybody's guess.

In any case, the actress who was a regular on Ally McBeal, Arrested Development, Nip/Tuck and Better Off Ted is now just "Ellen DeGeneres' unnamed wife", and the tabs think her illness is very serious.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Ellen and Simon still not getting along

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 22 Feb. 2010

What's the difference between this week's story and last week's story on the same topic? Different supermarket rag.

I still care to the sum of zero.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Simon Cowell and Ellen DeGeneres

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 15 Feb. 2010

To paraphrase Chris Rock, in the history of not giving a crap, nobody ever gave less of a crap than the crap I give about any subject dealing with American Idol.

But Simon and Ellen aren't playing nice, so it's worth a tabloid headline.