The Enquirer goes after J.R. Martinez.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

I have an odd relationship with the gossip world.  I don't watch the TV shows they follow and I don't read what's inside. All I know is what's on the cover.  I know J.R. Martinez won Dancing With The Stars this season, so the public likes him.  This means the Enquirer has some perverse notion that he needs to be chopped down to size.  Here are their headlines.

• DWTS J.R. Martinez Shocking tell-all!
• Women
• War wounds
• Winning

Let me say something nice about the Enquirer, even though I know their hearts are in the wrong place.

Nice alliteration.

Kick several corpses, why don'tcha?: Frank Sinatra bedded two First Ladies.

Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The Globe gives a tip of the hat to its geezer demographic by spilling the dirt on Francis Albert Sinatra.  According to a new tell all book, Sinatra had sex with two different First Ladies.

I did not open the Globe to find out the names.  I leave that to my more motivated readers.  I'm guessing here, but it wasn't Eleanor Roosevelt and Pat Nixon.

Demon Drugs alert: James Garner, 83, is a pot head!

Publication: Globe

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

It says something when the nicest story about a person all year is that he's a doper, but that is the case with James Garner and the supermarket rags.  They quote a "tell all book" that says the movie and TV star smokes the herb.

Every other story said he was a dead man.

Meanest story nominee: The Secret Life of Barack Obama.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner publishes details from Mondo Frazier's new book The Secret Life of Barack Obama. His blurb on Amazon.com says he works for Andrew Breitbart's Big Journalism and for RadarOnline, which is owned by AMI, the publishers of five of the gossip rags.  It is telling that this story is not on the cover of the flagship Enquirer, but instead relegated to the low rent Examiner.  Here are the headlines.

• New blockbuster book by Mondo Frazier
• Shocking Russian "arrest"
• His strange CIA cover-up
• Sinister Pakistan ties 30 years ago!

Just in case you had some doubts about this story, the quotation marks around the word "arrest" should give you an idea of how serious the charges are.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Regis' revenge!

Publication: Globe

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

The Globe and the low rent Examiner are the only gossip rags who think their readers are interested in what is going on in Regis Philbin's life. The Globe told us he was quitting late last year (true and counts as a scoop) and then that he was dying (so far premature, as many of the tabloid warnings are).  Now they say he is getting his revenge.  Here are the headlines.

• Dumped for being too old… Regis' Revenge!
• His secret TV comeback and bombshell tell-all book
• The fury & tears
• Plus: wife's bitter heartache (picture of Joy Philbin)

Bad mom alert: Martha Stewart's daughter writes tell-all book.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

The headline on the low rent Examiner reads "Martha Stewart mom from hell!", information gleaned from the new tell-all book written by Stewart's daughter Alexis, who is now 46.

If they make a movie of it, it's just too bad Faye Dunaway is now too old to play Martha in her prime.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Goldie's three day sex binge!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

There is a tell all book coming about Goldie Hawn written by Bill Hudson, the father of Goldie's daughter Kate. From what I can tell, Hudson is a bitter has-been jealous of his more successful ex-wife and daughter. In any case, the story that makes the cover of the Globe is that Goldie went on a three-day sex binge at some undisclosed point in the past.

Meanest story nominee: Sarah Palin destroyed!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

To give the devil his due, let us stipulate that the National Enquirer is an equal opportunity hater. They can pour the hate on people all over the political spectrum, from John Edwards and Al Gore to Rush Limbaugh and now, Sarah Palin. Here are the headlines.

• Sarah Plain destroyed after new book exposes her secrets & lies
• Todd filing for divorce
• She WON'T run in presidential race
  

I have a hard time believing Todd will divorce her, but I think they are right about her not running. She's in this game to make money, not to burn through it in a presidential campaign.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: The Enquirer gets a Sarah Palin laundry list of scandals from the new Joe McGinniss.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Say what you will about the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, they are equal opportunity haters across the political spectrum. They've slagged anyone in the White House since at least Bill Clinton, they've gone after John Edwards and Al Gore, but also Rush Limbaugh and now, Sarah Palin. They took the juiciest stories from the new book to be released by Joe McGinniss and put them on the cover this week. Here are the headlines.

• Sarah cheated on Todd with Glen Rice
• Husband Todd's racial violence
• Her naked nights with young girls
• She abandoned her kids
  

For those without a score card, Glen Rice is an NBA player and Sarah's alleged affair took place before she was married to Todd.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee and Hairdresser Alert™: The low rent Examiner outs a couple gay Johns and one Jean-Claude

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

The low rent Examiner has a headline about an alleged new tell all book about Gay Hollywood. While they include the headline "Who's Gay and Who's Not!", by putting pictures of celebrities on the front cover, they put those actors under a cloud of suspicion.

Non of these actors has had a single headline in the tabloids in the past two years before this one.


The first is John Cusack.

The second is John Amos.


And the last outed John is Jean-Claude Van Damme.

I'm not the most avid follower of these kinds of stories, but I will say I've heard rumors about one of these actors before.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

And as always, stay classy, low rent Examiner!

Tell All book alert: Inside Katie Holmes weird Scientology world.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 22 August 2011

In Touch is the meanest of the magazine not owned by American Media, Inc. and now they are following another AMI trend, the hatred of Scientologists. They claim to have a new tell-all book which gives people a glimpse into Katie Holmes' weird world.

Meanest story nominee: Marc Anthony's $14 million tell all book!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 22 August 2011

The Flagship tells us little Marc Anthony is going to get his revenge against mean ol' Jennifer Lopez with the favorite artifact of the gossip world, the tell all book. Here are the headlines.

• J. Lo's worst nightmare
• the ultimate revenge
• secret hookups with P. Diddy
• Butt implants and $100,000 plastic surgery
• Their shocking domestic violence
• Voodoo, witchcraft and animal sacrifices

While sex with Diddy is kinda icky, the domestic violence and animal sacrifices are the special touches that make this a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Regis' shocking tell-all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Only the two supermarket rags that have the lion's share of Hey Old Timer Gossip, the Globe and the low rent Examiner, think Regis Phiblin is a source of hot dish. This time it's the Globe who says their is a tell-all book, for which someone will be paid $10 million. It isn't clear on the cover whether he is the author or someone is ratting on him. Here are the headlines.

• Divorce bombshell
• Other women
• How he nearly died - THREE TIMES
• Inside: Shocking truth about Kathie Lee
  

Meanest story nominee: New tell-all book rips into Mister Tony Bennett.

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mister Tony Bennett! The singer, painter and national treasure, who will turn 85 next month, has his name dragged through the mud by the Globe. They write about a new "tell-all book" that details Mister Bennett's ties to the mob, his drug use and cheating.

I have made a new label, Call Him Mister, especially for this story. Many ladies have gotten the "Call Her Miss" treatment on this blog, wonderful stars who have been around long enough they should be off limits to the garbage peddlers of the supermarket checkout rags. Mister Bennett is the first of his gender to get similar treatment here.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Hulk Hogan's ex-wife writes a tell all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Hulk Hogan has had a reality TV show for a while now, but in 2010 had no appearances on the covers of the supermarket rags. Now he's on his second cover in as many weeks, this time because his ex-wife Linda has written that favorite thing in the gossip world, the "tell all book". The Globe says it's full of sex, drugs and lies, and for once, I believe them. She's exactly the kind of person who would write a tell all book.

For example, there was a story a year ago claiming a tell all book from Tipper Gore would send Al to jail. Tipper is exactly the kind of person NOT to write a tell all book.

All this week's news about Angelina Jolie.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Angelina Jolie is the center of the American gossip solar system and everything revolves around her. This was true long before I started this blog a year and a half ago. While Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock have appeared on more covers than BrAngelina, there are also the solo stories about Angie. If I split every story about the couple into a story about each, instead of BrAngelina being in third place and Angie being in tenth, she would be first and he would be second.

Heck, the gossip rags wouldn't care as much about Jennifer Aniston if she wasn't the modern day equivalent of Debbie Reynolds to Angie's Elizabeth Taylor.

While Brad gets mentioned in passing in one of this week's stories, the focus is on Angelina. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Angelina's $500,000 birthday gift
• Star: Angelina's secrets & lies
  tell-all book banned!
  Her secret trial separation from Brad
  Cheating - other men, other women
  Held hostage with a gun to her head
  11 Never-before-seen family photos
  Teen guitar hero
  First wedding
  
  

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Cher collapses after Chaz releases tell-all book.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 May 2011

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids really don't like Cher very much, and they aren't crazy about her son Chaz either. Supposedly, the diva has collapsed due to things written in Chaz's tell all book.

I don't believe it. Collapsing over the critical reception for Burlesque, that I could believe.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Dick Van Dyke had a crush on Mary Tyler Moore.

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

The Globe says that Dick Van Dyke will be producing that most important of artifacts in the gossip world, the tell all book. In it, he admits he had a serious crush on his co-star Mary Tyler Moore.

Hey, buddy! Get in line! I mean, back then, who didn't?

Then again, he did play her husband for five seasons. I guess he should be at the front of the line.

Tell all book alert: Ashley Judd's shocking memoir.

Publication: People
Date: 18 April 2011

Last week, the Enquirer was in the running for Meanest Story of the Week for writing the headline "Ashley Judd: I Was Raped."

This week, People takes the same facts but calls it a "shocking memoir" and is not even close to being in the running for meanest story.

People has class about 99 times out of 100. The National Enquirer has class about 1 time out of 100.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Miss Elizabeth Taylor's tell all book!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 April 2011

You might think the gossip rags would lose interest in Miss Elizabeth Taylor now that she's dead, but that would be a miscalculation, especially with the Globe and the low rent Examiner, who revel in Hey Old Timer Gossip. The low rent Examiner says that Miss Taylor left behind that most valuable commodity in the gossip world, the tell all book. The main juicy tidbit from this alleged tome is that Miss Taylor had a secret gay love life.

If what they mean is gays secretly loved Liz Taylor, well... that's not really a secret, is it?