Meanest story nominee: Super stinky stars.

Publication: Star

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Star has a huge grab bag story dominating the front cover of dish from stylists. While none of it is very flattering, they have a small section of pictures of celebrities who smell bad. They include:

• Brad Pitt, who has B.O.
• Robert Pattinson, afficted with foot fungus
• rocker Lenny Kravitz,  also with bad body odor and
• Daren Kagasoff, who has bad breath

This is the first mention in the tabloids for Kravitz and Kagasoff. Kagasoff is the star of the Disney TV show The Secret Life of an American Teenager, but he does not get the label DisneyTeen, because he wasn't a teenager when principal photography began on the show back in 2008.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Annoying label bookkeeping for Sexiest Man Alive 2011

A link to the post above made necessary by too many labels.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Jen's wedding in Mexico!

Publication: OK!
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! A lot of gossip stars make multiple appearances on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, with very different versions of their lives being told.

Let's start at the top with Jennifer Aniston. OK! says she's getting ready for a wedding in Mexico and the headline under her picture reads 'Brad won't ruin my big day'.

Her current beau is not named or is there a picture of him, so I run this picture of Jen and Brad from happier times.

Or from the time when he was a sluggard stoner couch potato and she was no help.

It all depends on who you talk to and when.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Brad hurts Jen again!

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

OK!, a magazine that usually goes for upbeat stories, has the headline "News alert! Brad hurts Jen again!" this week.

It's the "News Alert!" part that makes it comedy gold.

All this week's news about Angelina Jolie.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Angelina Jolie is the center of the American gossip solar system and everything revolves around her. This was true long before I started this blog a year and a half ago. While Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock have appeared on more covers than BrAngelina, there are also the solo stories about Angie. If I split every story about the couple into a story about each, instead of BrAngelina being in third place and Angie being in tenth, she would be first and he would be second.

Heck, the gossip rags wouldn't care as much about Jennifer Aniston if she wasn't the modern day equivalent of Debbie Reynolds to Angie's Elizabeth Taylor.

While Brad gets mentioned in passing in one of this week's stories, the focus is on Angelina. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Angelina's $500,000 birthday gift
• Star: Angelina's secrets & lies
  tell-all book banned!
  Her secret trial separation from Brad
  Cheating - other men, other women
  Held hostage with a gun to her head
  11 Never-before-seen family photos
  Teen guitar hero
  First wedding
  
  

Brad Pitt in Cannes.

Publication: People
Date: 30 May 2011

Plenty of stories about the Jolie-Pitt clan this week, including a solo story for Brad. People has him on the cover visiting the Cannes Film Festival, where his new movie The Tree of Life, directed by Terrence Malick, was both booed and won the Grand Prize.

The French. Go figure.

Besides playing at the film festival, the movie goes into very limited release next Friday, so this one gets the Planted Crap label as well.

Man Slut Alert: Charlie Sheen's madam may name more names.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Even if you only pay scant attention to gossip, you had to know this week's most popular celebrity would be the self-destructing Charlie Sheen. All the other stories that mention him this week are actually about him, but the low rent Examiner uses his name to trash others with rumors. They speculate about Sheen's madam's little black book and what names might be in it. They include Brad Pitt, no stranger to malicious gossip about his love life, and Vanna White's husband, also not a surprise given the low rent Examiner's continued claims that she is addicted to "bad boys". The third name on the list is unusual and not previously mentioned in the supermarket rags in 2010 or 2011.

Welcome to gossip hell, Kevin Costner! It surprises me to see his name bandied about in such a sordid way because:

1. He's dull as dishwater, and
2. I didn't even know he counted as a movie star anymore.

I'm cruel, but fair.

Oh, this is awkward alert: Jen runs into Brad

Publication: In Touch
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! What a difference a year makes. In early 2010, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were manning the phones at a celebrity telethon for Haitian earthquake relief and the supermarket rags had them at it hot and heavy. This week, In Touch says they happened to be in the same place at the same time and they were like, "Uh... hi!" "Um... hi." "You look good." "Uh... you, too." "Um... gotta go." "Yeah, see ya."

Shiloh torn away from Brad

Publication: In Touch
Date: 18 October 2010

The drama of the BrAngelina family is the story the supermarket rags just can't stay away from. Interest in Sandra Bullock has waned in the past few months and Jennifer Aniston comes and goes, but all things BrAngelina must go on and on. Now, Brad is torn from Shiloh.

I know Brad was up in Oakland shooting a movie recently, I don't know if it's wrapped or not. The best evidence is the stories come from Brad's family, who don't like Angie much and are happy to talk trash.

Brad's secret date

Publication: Star
Date: 11 October 2010

Hmm, Jennifer Aniston has secret lovers the same week Brad Pitt has a secret date. Are the supermarket rags going to try to keep the dream alive? After all, it's only been five years and Brad's a daddy several times over now.

Angelina's $20 million tell-all book

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 October 2010

I made a new label this morning for "Tell All Books". The supermarket rags love quoting from Tell All Books. The latest example is a $20 million tell all book about Angelina Jolie, generously quoted by The Flagship. Among the details on the cover are:

• Why she used heroin
• What she told Brad about lesbian lovers
• The truth about mental illness
• Why it will devastate Jennifer Aniston

I do not know from reading the cover whether this is a brand new tell all book or the same one Star quoted from back in June.

On the Rocks Alert:Brad cheats with a 22 year old flight attendant

Publication: Star
Date: 20 September 2010

Brad Pitt gets a story that doesn't mention Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie this week. Last week, he got a sexy makeover, and this week he took it out for a spin, if you believe Star magazine. They allege that Mr. Pitt cheated with a 22 year old flight attendant.

I know it's sexist, but they were sexier back when they were called stewardesses.

Brad Pitt sexier than ever, not that Angelina likes it.

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 13 September 2010

Brad Pitt is working on a new movie and had to get rid of his scraggly beard. There are two cover stories in the supermarket rags about this.

OK!: Brad sexier than ever
In Touch: Angie hates Brad's sexy makeover

By the way, the picture above is from a video game for girls where the object is to give Brad Pitt a makeover. And I thought it was bad when Atari asked me to write Ninja Golf.

You So Crazy Alert™:Suicidal Angelina Jolie heading back to mental hospital

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 August 2010

It's hard for Angelina Jolie to get a Meanest Story nomination, because the tabloids are mean to her every week. But the Flagship has her heading back to a mental institution and suicidal, so this one qualifies in my book. Brad Pitt is mentioned on the cover, supposedly he's in tears, but I decided this one is really all about Angie, so it's gets listed as a solo for each instead of a BrAngelina story.

Deadly mental anguish is this week's theme for Meanest Story.

Brad Pitt's psychic tells all!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 21 June 2010

I'll admit it. I like Brad Pitt. He's made some excellent movies, he gives a good interview. Some people tsk-tsk about his love life, I say more power to him. He looks like he likes being a daddy.

He likes soccer! He admits to being an atheist! When you are rich, you are allowed to have these kinds of quirks.

He also has a psychic. A blabby psychic, if we can believe Weekly Life & Style this week.

Hmmm.

Talk to the bunny, Mr. Pitt. He speaks for both of us.

On the Rocks Alert:Brad mocks Jen

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 10 May 2010

Us Weekly tells us that Brad Pitt has mocked Jennifer Aniston. This goes against type for Brad, who is usually played in the tabloids as a hopeless fool in love instead of a mean person who mocks others.

Obviously, this is a source outside his immediate family.

Good Dad Alert:Brad and Shiloh's play date

Publication: OK!
Date: 10 May 2010

There are a lot of stories about the Pitt-Jolie clan this week, though the focus is more on the kids or on Brad than on Angelina. OK!, which so far this year is easily the nicest of the tabloids with about 72% positive stories, just has the headline "Brad and Shiloh's Play Date".

Sounds like fun for both of them.

Love Bird Alert™:Jen and Brad caught kissing!

Publication: In Touch

Date: 19 Apr. 2010

So there's this blabbermouth ex-bodyguard for BrAngelina, and I hope the checkout counter rags are paying SERIOUS money, because this guy will never wear an earpiece in Hollywood again.

According to this source, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were caught kissing at a secret reunion. There was lots of text and video chat, he told her he still loves her and Brad's mom is trying to get them back together again.

Jen's message to Brad

Publication: OK!

Date 29 Mar. 2010

I wasn't sure this day would come, but technically, there is no story about BrAngelina this week in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter. There are some stories about the kids of the stars, but nothing about Brad and Angelina as a couple.

Jennifer Aniston sent a message to Brad. Aren't you dying to know what it is?

Yeah, me neither.

On the rocks alert:Brad torn from Jen

Publication: In Touch
Date: 8 Mar. 2010

Most of the tabloids are on board with the idea that the Pitt-Jolie marriage is NOT about to break up, but In Touch wants us to know that Brad Pitt is still pining for Jennifer Aniston.

This goes with the underlying theme of many of the tabloids that being rich, famous and good looking really sucks, so why even bother? Just buy the processed foods you came to the supermarket to get and be glad you are not them.