Hollywood stylists tell all!

Publication: Star 

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Star has one of those grab bag "bad help" stories dominating the front cover. This time it's Hollywood stylists dishing dirt.  First there's a list of "Guess who" gossip, followed by specific insults.  The part of the story that listed who smelled bad was published already as a Meanest Story of the Week nominee.

Here's the guess who part.

• Who's a hoarder! 
• Who duct tapes her boobs! 
• Who goes commando!

J. Lo: Cellulite & Spanx

Angie: padded butt

Britney: Fast food stains on borrowed clothing!

Serena: bald spot

Kathie Lee: It's the pits!

Bad help alert: Angelina's assistant tells all!

Publication: In Touch

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!  As I have noted before, other celebrities actually have to do something to get on the cover of the gossip rags.  Angelina Jolie merely has to exist.  On the cover of In Touch is a picture of her with several of her daughters and several unflattering headlines from an assistant who is now spilling the beans.

• "She can't hide the crazy"
• Locks kids in bedrooms while she gets drunk
• Her disturbing online addiction
• Strange soup diet

Okay, I take exception to the last one.  Soup is good food!

Planted crap: Holiday movies' hot stars.

 Publication: People

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! People has a story about the "hot holiday movies", which is an excuse to put a few movie star pictures on the cover.

There is a picture of Angelina Jolie.

And there is a picture of George Clooney.

I use the label "planted crap" derisively, but I will point out that of the seven gossip rags that might pay attention to the Kardashian train wreck, People is the only one that refrained this week, at least not giving that den of vipers any room on the cover.  That should count for something.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: How dieting destroyed their looks

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lots f stories about extreme dieting this week, including a pile-on attack on one celebrity that will be a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week tomorrow. Weekly Life & Style says that dieting has ruined the looks of Angelina Jolie, seen here when she was nice and fleshy.

The other actress in this story that has a picture making her look like a skeleton in a dress is Katie Holmes.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Angie eats 800 calories a day.

Publication: Star
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The latest flaw in the personality of Angelina Jolie to be flogged mercilessly by the supermarket rags is that she is too skinny. Star is the main perpetrator of this story, but not the only one. They also say she is headed for rehab.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina targets Jen's new man YET AGAIN.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Say what you will about the National Enquirer. I have probably said something worse. If they have a saving grace, it's that their stories are usually not just re-hashes of stuff that's already been printed elsewhere. Even when they cover the same material, they usually put a meaner spin on it. This week, they have Angelina Jolie trying to get between Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux. Here are the headlines.

• Angie wants Jen's new man!
• Explosive fight after Angelina invites Justin to dinner & offers him movie role
• Jen rages: "Keep your hands off of him!"
  

This story is ten weeks old, first reported by In Touch. Not the Enquirer's best work by a long shot.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Angelina Jolie weighs 94 lbs.

Publication: Star
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Yet again, Angelina Jolie is excoriated for her weight, which Star says is down to 94 lbs.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Who hates who! Or is it "Who hates whom?"

Publication: Globe
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

The Globe has one of those general guessing games on the front cover this week, with six faces surrounding the headline "Who Hates Who! Shocking fights and nasty insults" Obviously, the Globe knows that correct grammar would just insult and confuse its readership, which skews older and more Southern, so it decides not to write "Who hates whom!" (Quick rule I learned in school. Re-write a sentence using "he" or "him". Translate "he" to "who" and "him" to "whom".)

The pictures include Angelina Jolie making a rare appearance on the Globe cover, Kate Middleton, Danica Patrick, Kirstie Alley, Hillary Clinton and Joan Rivers.

I'm not sure this is fair, because I think nearly everybody hates Joan and Angelina.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Hollywood's extreme diets

Publication: OK!

Date: 5 September 2011



A quick scan of the label list shows that Damn You Skinny™ stories are more than twice as common as Damn You Fat™ stories, roughly as common as Bun In The Oven Alerts™. OK! has three women on the cover this week, Gwyneth Paltrow, LeAnn Rimes and Angelina Jolie, with a passel of headlines that aren't connected to specific people, hoping to get someone to open the magazine and read it. In my case, as usual, this clever plan did not work.



Here are the headlines.

• Hollywood's most extreme diets
• Exercising at midnight
• Eating only baby food
• 190 calories per meal
• Who's being healthy and who's in danger!
  
  

Damn You Skinny Alerts™: Stars' body struggles.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 22 August 2011

Weekly Life & Style had one of those grab bag stories of good looking female celebrities getting crazy about staying skinny. The person who got the most attention was Kate Middleton, but I split that into a separate story. The original sub-story had a list of four names, but I took the headline about JWoww from Jersey Shore and included that in another story from another mag about her. Here are the other three headlines.

Katie Holmes is starving for fashion.

Angelina Jolie has no time for food.



Cameron Diaz spends hours at the gym and does not eat carbs.

Bad Mom alert and bad help alert:Nanny rats on Angelina.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 15 August 2011

Angelina Jolie gets three cover stories this week, two as part of the major gossip couple of our generation and one as a bad mom, according to an ex-nanny Krisann Morel. Here are the headlines.

• Angelina, "Ice queen" mom
• The nanny tells all!
  shocking book exclusive
• The incident that drove nanny Krisann Morel to tears!
  How Angelina stages photos and orders nannies to hide
• Ignores hurt Shiloh
• Chaos at home: Kids literally swinging on chandeliers!
  

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Desperate to be skinny.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 8 August 2011

Yet another story about too skinny female celebrities this week. Here are the headlines.

Katie Holmes: Skin and bones
Tom's worried as Katie drops to her lowest weight ever

Kate: Pressure to be perfect

Angelina: Skips Meals and Snubs Carbs

Housewife Taylor: Divorce Stress

Tara Reid: Lipo wasn't enough

Good Mom Alert™: Angelina and the kids in London.

Publications: People, In Touch
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! I've written it many times before, but it bears repeating. Other people have to do something to get on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. Angelina Jolie merely has to exist.

It's all about her and the kids this week, Brad is not mentioned. Here are the headlines.

• People: Angie and the kids take London
• In Touch: Angelina: Inside the Twins' World

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina targets Jen's new man.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Yet again, the supermarket rags want us to believe that making Jennifer Aniston's life a misery is Job One for Angelina Jolie, the hussy who stole Brad Pitt away all those years ago. "Jen's New Man" is mentioned in the headline, but Justin Theroux does not get artwork or even a mention by name, so I'm not giving him a label on this post.

If you read the gossip rags enough, you know that the focus is really on the women, and guys are just accessories for the most part.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina snubs Wills'N'Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! You know Wills'N'Kate, the cute couple from across the pond that are going to be King and Queen of the United Kingdom one day? Yeah, I thought you might remember.

Well, according to the Globe, they are itty bitty bugs compared to the true queen of the gossip world right now, Angelina Jolie. They asked for a little sitdown for a parlay, and she was like all "Whatever, I'm busy! Why don't you try Jennifer Aniston or Julia Roberts or one of the other old wannabes?" (Not an actual quote.)

Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!

All this week's news about Angelina Jolie.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Angelina Jolie is the center of the American gossip solar system and everything revolves around her. This was true long before I started this blog a year and a half ago. While Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock have appeared on more covers than BrAngelina, there are also the solo stories about Angie. If I split every story about the couple into a story about each, instead of BrAngelina being in third place and Angie being in tenth, she would be first and he would be second.

Heck, the gossip rags wouldn't care as much about Jennifer Aniston if she wasn't the modern day equivalent of Debbie Reynolds to Angie's Elizabeth Taylor.

While Brad gets mentioned in passing in one of this week's stories, the focus is on Angelina. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Angelina's $500,000 birthday gift
• Star: Angelina's secrets & lies
  tell-all book banned!
  Her secret trial separation from Brad
  Cheating - other men, other women
  Held hostage with a gun to her head
  11 Never-before-seen family photos
  Teen guitar hero
  First wedding
  
  

Bad mom alert: Chaz Bono offers Angelina help with Shiloh

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2o June 2011

The low rent Examiner has a story about Angelina Jolie raising Shiloh as a boy and Chaz Bono says he can help. This is a complete re-hash of a story in OK! last month. Last year, there were a passel of stories about Shiloh's tomboy ways.

I just know what I read in these silly magazines and I don't believe half of that. If Angelina sticks to her decision to leave Chaz Bono the hell out of her parenting process, this is a move full of win, as the young people are fond of saying.

Meanest Story nominee: Angelina weighs 99 lbs and is hooked on heroin.

Publication: Star
Date: 13 June 2011

Star magazine says Angelina Jolie weighs 99 lbs. and is hooked on heroin. Brad's family is planning an intervention.

This last detail makes all the rest less believable, because Brad's family really hates her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina tells Chaz Bono to "leave Shiloh alone!"

Publication: OK!
Date: 30 May 2011

There's plenty of stuff about the Jolie-Pitt brood in the gossip rags this week. OK! has Angelina finally reacting to Chaz Bono's request to meet with little tomboy Shiloh, with the simple answer "not only no, but hell no".

My only comment is that Shiloh really looks like her daddy in that picture. Of course, whether she looked like dad or mom, she's in a win-win situation, right?

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Angelina talks adoption.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 23 May 2011

Angelina Jolie maintains her position as The True Queen Of All Gossip and Defender Of The Faith, or some such thing. She actually doesn't talk to the magazines much, but Weekly Life & Style says they have her talking about adoption, a subject she should know a thing or two about by now.