Meanest story nominee: Pregnant Kate collapses!

Publication: Star

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

Kate Middleton's pregnancy is not a fact universally acknowledged in the supermarket rags, but the AMI kennel are very keen on the idea that she is with child and it's not going well.  Here are the headlines from the Star.

• Pregnant Kate collapses 
• Exclusive
• Frantic fight to save baby
• Ambulance called after William finds her unconscious on floor
• It happened here (caption on aerial photo)
• Terrifying medical drama at Prince Charles' Scottish retreat

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bun in the Oven Alert™: The positive stories about the pregnancy of Kate Middleton.

Publications: Globe, In Touch, Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

It has now been eight months since the first rumor of Kate Middleton being pregnant was on a cover of an American supermarket rag.  Some magazines are still printing it like it's a widely acknowledged fact and others speak of it as a future event.  Here are the nicest headlines about it this week, with the nastiest being saved for the Meanest Story of the Week competition.

• Globe: Camilla stuns pregnant Kate
  I don't want to be queen!
  Shocking reason Camilla accepted defeat
• In Touch: Kate's six weeks pregnant
  A royal baby!
  How the happy & relieved princess is getting ready: 3 nurseries, a $1 million push present & the baby's name!
  Plus: her crazy cravings
• Us: Will & Kate: Ready for baby
  She wants a boy - and a girl!
  Kate prepares to be a mom as Will's overseas duty puts their new marriage to the test

I'll believe she's pregnant when it's published in People or some other legitimate source. When she gives birth, I'll do the backward countdown to see which of the many rumored pregnancy starts deserves a scoop of the week label.

Bun in the oven alert™: The OFFICIAL story about Wills'N'Kate's first kid.

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The screaming headline on the cover of the Globe states IT'S OFFICIAL when obviously it's not, but their story is that Kate Middleton is definitely pregnant and it's definitely a girl. Here are the rest of the headlines.

• Kate's having baby girl!
• Palace uproar: Royals want male heir
• William building $1m pink nursery here (Buckingham Palace)
  

Bun in the oven alert™: Wills'N'Kate decide when their baby will be born!

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Globe had it as a throwaway sub-headline, but OK! and In Touch think it's worth a story on its own. Wills'N'Kate have set a date for the birth of their baby. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: William and Kate talk the royal baby!
• In Touch: Kate a baby in June

Okay, we just started October, so nine months from now is early July. Is she like two weeks pregnant? There hasn't been any official confirmation, and it's really hard to set an exact date this far out, so I'm going to give both In Touch and OK! a fail label for this one.

I'll take it back if I'm wrong.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™ and Bun in the Oven Alert: Kate crushes Camilla... and, oh yeah, she's gonna have a baby.

Publication: Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Once again, Kate and Camilla are at each others' throat and allegedly, the younger, taller, more fit competitor has won this round. Apparently, all Kate had to say is "Go to hell, Camilla!" and by Buckingham Palace rules, she wins!

And, as an aside at the end, the Globe lets us know the date Wills'N'Kate have set aside for the royal heir to be born.

Meanest story nominee: William orders Charles to dump Camilla now!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

In the tabloids, the Camilla Parker-Bowles of 2011 is not so much a human being as a robot programmed to attack her daughter-in-law Kate Middleton. (I know I should stop calling her by her maiden name, but I really haven't got quite used to Duchess Catherine yet.) In any case, Wills has told jug-eared Chuck that he has to get rid of her NOW.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bun in the oven alert™: Kate pregnant with twins!

Publication: Star
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

The Star goes for the whole enchilada with a story that the former Kate Middleton is not only pregnant, but pregnant with twins. Here are the headlines.

• Kate pregnant with twins
• The official announcement
• A boy and a girl
• Now she's struggling to gain weight
• Wills'N'Kate overjoyed
  
  

The only thing official about this story is that it's been officially denied already.

Love Bird Alert: Wills'N'Kate at home.

Publication: OK!

Date: 22 August 2011

OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags if not the most reliable, says they have the inside story of the royal newlyweds at home.

Annoying label bookkeeping #14

This is a link to the story above, made necessary by too many labels.

Rich people are rich: Royal visit stories.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The are a lot of stories about Wills or Kate or both this week, but only two focus on the visit that just ended. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Inside the royal visit
  all the photos
• People: Dazzling! Will & Kate Conquer America
  14 pages of Royal Tour photos
  Gowns! Glamour! Private moments!

Wills'N'Kate in The New World.

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Now that the young royals are on this side of the Atlantic, the American gossip rags are all over the story. People mentioned only Kate, but three other mags mentioned the couple. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kate & William American Vacation album
• Globe: William & Kate baby drama
  Too thin royal bride's secret visit to a U.S. fertility clinic -Palace insiders reveal
• Us Weekly: Kate & Will's photo diary
  Secrets of the Royal Visits
  Kate brought 40 outfits!
  Their intimate date - in a log cabin
  She's talking about a baby!

The Globe can't help but be negative, while all the rest of the coverage has been glowing.

Stay classy, Globe!

Kate's heart scare! William battles to save her.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The low rent Examiner wants us to believe that Princess Catherine's life is in danger and Wiliam is dashing to her rescue.

The truly hard thing to believe here is that the low rent Examiner has any inside information at all.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina snubs Wills'N'Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! You know Wills'N'Kate, the cute couple from across the pond that are going to be King and Queen of the United Kingdom one day? Yeah, I thought you might remember.

Well, according to the Globe, they are itty bitty bugs compared to the true queen of the gossip world right now, Angelina Jolie. They asked for a little sitdown for a parlay, and she was like all "Whatever, I'm busy! Why don't you try Jennifer Aniston or Julia Roberts or one of the other old wannabes?" (Not an actual quote.)

Oh, it's on like Donkey Kong!

All this week's news about Wills'N'Kate

Publications: Globe, People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

The Royal Couple are still a hot topic in the gossip rags, and they will probably stay that way as long as Kate is pretty, which could be quite a while. Here are the positive headlines.

People: The Princess Diaries
In her new role as duchess and wife, Kate dazzles the world with her real-girl glamour. Plus the couple pick a palace.

Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate: Inside their palace

But since every punch bowl is just another urinal to the dogs in the AMI kennel, here's the Globe's take on the situation.

Globe: As pressure mounts for Royal baby…
William's wife snaps!
Kate: "Now I know how Diana felt"
Secret letters hide shocking torment

Love Bird Alert™: Stories of wedded bliss about Wills'N'Kate.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2011

Two stories about the Royal Couple this week, neither of them in the mean magazines owned by AMI, so both have a positive spin. Here are the headlines.

• People: Kate & Will - The newlyweds step out!
• Us Weekly: Their new home! Will & Kate's Royal Life
  

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Princess Kate's revenge on backstabbing Camilla.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

Today, we catch up on the folks who are in the top ten for number of stories in 2011. The Globe tells us Princess Katherine has taken off the tiara and is checking out how much damage she can do with the scepter. According to this story, she's told father-in-law Charles to divorce Camilla and William has a "shocking reaction".

More honeymoon stories about Wills'N'Kate.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Globe
Date: 30 May 2011

Plenty of stories this week about the young royals, with three in particular about their honeymoon. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate dream honeymoon photos
• Us Weekly: Their secret honeymoon
• Globe: Wills'N'Kate's honeymoon heartbreak
  Why dream trip turned into nightmare

Can you guess which one of these magazines has more mean stories than the others on average? (Hint: not a trick question.)

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby! Again.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 30 May 2011

Often, when a story is a repeat of something some gossip rag has already said, I don't make it a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, but this one is an exception for two reasons. The last time this rumor was reported, it won as Meanest Story of the Week, and more notably, the story has migrated from the AMI kennel to the gossip rags that are generally nicer and at least a little more reliable. Here are the headlines.

• Will & Kate's baby heartbreak
• Royal doctor confirms: She can't get pregnant
• The devastating news rocks their marriage
• plus: why they can't adopt

Best wishes to the happy couple. I'm not much for predictions, but I predict that by the end of 2012 at the latest, this story will have been proven false.

Love Bird Alert™: Wills'N'Kate's sexy royal honeymoon.

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 May 2011

The royal wedding is still echoing in the halls of the gossip world, but there is only one story about Wills'N'Kate their own bad selves.

OK!, the nicest if not the most reliable of the gossip rags, says they are having a sexy honeymoon. For once, I believe OK!

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bitter Camilla collapses!

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

The Globe covered the Royal Wedding, which is no surprise given how many Brits are currently running the American tabloid industry these days. The difference is that they took this opportunity to once again trash Queen Beeyotch herself, Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• "Now I'll NEVER be queen!" she sobs
• free souvenir pullout

I'm not exactly sure how many people want a free souvenir pullout of Camilla Parker-Bowles sobbing, but then again, I'm not sure who buys the Globe.