Bun in the Oven Alert™: The positive stories about the pregnancy of Kate Middleton.

Publications: Globe, In Touch, Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

It has now been eight months since the first rumor of Kate Middleton being pregnant was on a cover of an American supermarket rag.  Some magazines are still printing it like it's a widely acknowledged fact and others speak of it as a future event.  Here are the nicest headlines about it this week, with the nastiest being saved for the Meanest Story of the Week competition.

• Globe: Camilla stuns pregnant Kate
  I don't want to be queen!
  Shocking reason Camilla accepted defeat
• In Touch: Kate's six weeks pregnant
  A royal baby!
  How the happy & relieved princess is getting ready: 3 nurseries, a $1 million push present & the baby's name!
  Plus: her crazy cravings
• Us: Will & Kate: Ready for baby
  She wants a boy - and a girl!
  Kate prepares to be a mom as Will's overseas duty puts their new marriage to the test

I'll believe she's pregnant when it's published in People or some other legitimate source. When she gives birth, I'll do the backward countdown to see which of the many rumored pregnancy starts deserves a scoop of the week label.

A story about the Middleton sisters.

Publication: People

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

The big star of the gossip week in America is Kate Middleton.  This is the only story that makes no mention of pregnancy and it is the only mention of her sister Pippa. The headline reads:

• Royal drama
• Kate shines, Pippa splits

Meanest story nominee: Pregnant Kate's brain tumor drama!

Publication: Globe

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The Globe takes two very sketchy rumors about Kate Middleton and turns them into a serious problem.  First, they go with the rumor she's is pregnant - a rumor now entering its eighth month, by the way - and then adds in the worst possible diagnosis from the scar on Kate's head. Here are the headlines.

• The tragic story behind her secret surgery
• Will she live long enough to see her baby grow?

It is good to remember that any time the word "drama" is in a gossip rag headline, this is secret code for "we got nothing".

Since there is speculation about her longevity, this counts as a Not Long 4 This World story, though to my mind the weakest possible level, and of course, gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

The nicer side of the Kate Middleton stories this week.

Publications: People, OK!

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

People and OK! go in different directions this week and as usual, I trust People.  Here are the headlines.

• People: Kate: A peek at her new home
• OK!:  Breaking News!
  Kate's Pregnant!
  Their daughter could be queen!

Lots of magazines are trying to sell this, but I'm not buying it.  If we believed everything we read about her ovaries, she'd be eight months pregnant now.

When it's official, People will run the story.  Until then, everybody take a chill pill.

Kate's serious operation!

Publication: OK!

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Someone took a picture of Kate Middleton and noticed she has a scar from a childhod operation on her forehead, allegedly obviously visible in this recent photo.  Here are the headlines.

• Her huge scar
• Palace confirms
  

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Starving for attention.

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! A lot of stories about celebrities who are too skinny on the covers this week. OK! has a cover story I'm putting in the running for Meanest Story of the Week tomorrow, but it also includes two women who are always being called too skinny.

The first is Leann Rimes.

The second is Kate Middleton.

Demon Rum Alert™: Camilla's drunken tirade stuns queen

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

It's too bad that the popular Camilla in the tabloids is Camilla Parker-Bowles and not Camilla Belle. She really is cute as a bug's ear.

But since the publication date of this week's tabloids is Halloween, it's only fair we get a story about this old bat. Camilla once again got drunk, once again said nasty things about Kate and this time she stunned the queen, who should kinda sorta be used to drunks saying stupid things by now, given her family history.

Princess under pressure.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Last year when the royal wedding was announced, there were predictions that Kate Middleton would become a gossip magazine superstar. Nine months into 2011, this prediction can be safely said to have come to pass. When stories about her are combined with the stories mentioning her and Prince William together, she has a slight lead over Angelina Jolie as the most talked about celebrity in the American print gossip universe.

This week, it's Us Weekly reminding us that some people who marry for money earn every penny. On the cover they mention kidnap threats, grueling etiquette training, worry over her sudden weight loss and demands for a royal baby.

Hang in there, Kate. Things get better.

Best and worst dressed for 2011

Publication: People
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Here's a simple distinction between People, the nice and reliable gossip rag, and the National Enquirer, the mean and unreliable gossip rag. When People has a "best and worst" article, they put nice pictures on the cover. This time it's Kate Middleton, Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow, all looking elegant in nice dresses. The Enquirer usually goes with best and worst beach bodies, where everybody either looks like a beached whale or a skeleton.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Camilla storms out after bitter fight with Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kate Middleton is neither the queen of Great Britain or the queen of the gossip rags just yet, but she's making a good run at it. This week, the Globe says wicked step-mother Camilla Parker-Bowles has had it up to here and will not accept Kate as queen, as if she has a choice. The headline continues with Camilla fleeing to America and demanding $20 million home here.

I'm not buying it. Not the story and obviously not the house.

Demon Rum Alert™: Kate scolds her brother-in-law Prince Harry.

Publication: Globe
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! According to the Globe, former commoner Kate Middleton has gotten in to the swing of what it means to be a British female royal person, because she is up in everyone's business. Here are the headlines.

• Kate attacks drunken Prince Harry
• You need rehab! - she rages

Things often change slowly in this world, but sometimes it's for the better. Last year, "Kate" on the cover of an American gossip rags meant Kate Gosselin. Now it's Kate Middleton. To my mind, that's a big improvement.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Who hates who! Or is it "Who hates whom?"

Publication: Globe
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

The Globe has one of those general guessing games on the front cover this week, with six faces surrounding the headline "Who Hates Who! Shocking fights and nasty insults" Obviously, the Globe knows that correct grammar would just insult and confuse its readership, which skews older and more Southern, so it decides not to write "Who hates whom!" (Quick rule I learned in school. Re-write a sentence using "he" or "him". Translate "he" to "who" and "him" to "whom".)

The pictures include Angelina Jolie making a rare appearance on the Globe cover, Kate Middleton, Danica Patrick, Kirstie Alley, Hillary Clinton and Joan Rivers.

I'm not sure this is fair, because I think nearly everybody hates Joan and Angelina.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: How much they really eat!

Publication: OK!

Date: 29 August 2011



OK! tells us they have inside information on the actual eating habits of two women sometimes considered too skinny. The first is Kristen Stewart.



I'm sure she gets plenty of protein biting her lower lip. She does that all the time. Also, I've seen publicity stills from the latest Twilight saga. Wearing very little clothing and photographed from lots of angles, her arms and legs don't have that ridiculous emaciated look at all.

And the other is Kate Middleton. She may be too skinny, but she is a vast improvement over the #1 Kate of 2010 gossip, Kate Gosselin.

On the rocks alert: Charles and Camilla split!

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 29 August 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! The low rent Examiner says that Charles and Camilla have split after she said something untoward about Kate. He is supposed to be residing the Castle of Mey, while she is in the Ray Mill house.



Being rich makes this sort of thing much easier, n'est-ce pas?

Meanest story nominee: Kate's miscarriage drama!

Publication: Globe

Date: 22 August 2011



We have already had several rumors about Kate Middleton being pregnant, so the Globe ups the ante with one about her having a miscarriage. The Globe claims a "world exclusive" and tells us William has rushed to her side. He does that a lot.



It's easy to have world exclusives when you are just making stuff up.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Kate Middleton refusing to eat.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 22 August 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last week, there were no stories about Wills or Kate in the American supermarket gossip rags, but they are back with a vengeance this week. Weekly Life & Style has a grab bag of stories about too skinny celebrities, but the big headlines go to Kate Middleton. Here are the headlines.

• Stressed over kidnap threats
• Pressure to be the perfect princess
• Rebelling against the queen
  
  
  
  

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Desperate to be skinny.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 8 August 2011

Yet another story about too skinny female celebrities this week. Here are the headlines.

Katie Holmes: Skin and bones
Tom's worried as Katie drops to her lowest weight ever

Kate: Pressure to be perfect

Angelina: Skips Meals and Snubs Carbs

Housewife Taylor: Divorce Stress

Tara Reid: Lipo wasn't enough

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Queen orders Camilla to stop bullying Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Sorry for the weird picture. I was trying to find a shot of all three of the women in this story, Liz Windsor, Camilla Parker-Bee-otch and Long Tall Katy all together at once and this is the best I could do.

So, the Queen herself has stomped her mighty hoof and asked for the end of the alleged Camilla-Kate unpleasantness.

Though honestly, let's be fair. if Buckingham Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings, wants to end the Camilla unpleasantness once and for all, it might take a high speed paparazzi chase in a Paris tunnel, if you know what I mean.

We gotta collpser! Camilla's nervous breakdown.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us the Camilla Parker-Bowles is once again upset, or continues to be upset. If we accept the view of the Globe and the low rent Examiner, she's always in a bad mood about something. In any case, here are this week's headlines.

• She collapses in jealous fit over Kate
• "They love her! They hate me!"
  
  

I created a new label this week, "we gotta collapser" specifically for the stories in which people collpse. I went back and re-labeled stories in which variations of the word are used, and this one will be the 23rd time. As you might expect, women do more collapsing than men, delicate little flowers that they are, and while women of child bearing age get more cover stories than older women do by far, about half of the collapsing stories are about women past the age of menopause. For example, this is the third collapse in a year and a half for Camilla, so she's averaging about one every six months.

Meanest story nominee: Kate collapses!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

The Flagship has three stories in one about celebrities in trouble on the cover this week, but because there are so few stories in general - especially because of the J. Lo divorce and the Lachey-Minnillo wedding - all three will get separate treatment.

According to the Enquirer, Kate Middleton collapsed on the recent tour and her husband has ordered bed rest, what with him being an old fashioned future monarch and all.

Lucky he didn't send her to the Tower. He can do that, you know. Sadly, he can't do it to Rupert Murdoch.

(Psych. The royals actually can't do that anymore.)

This is a nominee for Meanest story of the Week.