Love Bird Alert™: Bachelor's Emily dating Vienna's ex

 Publication: In Touch

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

In Touch says Bachelorette Emily is dating the former beau of Bachelorette Vienna.

Even though I have been writing this blog for about two years now, I remember almost no details about all the Bachelor people.  But I think I recall that if they are going to have a You So Crazy competition, put a few bucks on Vienna.

Weekly World News alert: U.S. soliders ordered to stop breaking wind.

Publication: Weekly World News
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

The Weekly World News throws a curveball this week and reports a story actually covered in magazines that have fact checkers and editorial standards. Marines in Afghanistan have been ordered not to fart audibly in the presence of Afghan allies, who find the practice offensive.

Yes, true story in the Weekly World News. Makes you re-think your opinion of the two-headed Bigfoot shot dead on the White House lawn, doesn't it?

Okay, so maybe not.

I don't know if the military can actually create a breed of non-farting soldier. If so, it will rank right up there with the scientific effort it took to turn Steve Rogers into Captain America.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: How much they really eat!

Publication: OK!

Date: 29 August 2011



OK! tells us they have inside information on the actual eating habits of two women sometimes considered too skinny. The first is Kristen Stewart.



I'm sure she gets plenty of protein biting her lower lip. She does that all the time. Also, I've seen publicity stills from the latest Twilight saga. Wearing very little clothing and photographed from lots of angles, her arms and legs don't have that ridiculous emaciated look at all.

And the other is Kate Middleton. She may be too skinny, but she is a vast improvement over the #1 Kate of 2010 gossip, Kate Gosselin.

Weekly World News alert: Strange new pet... CatDog!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 1 August 2011

The Weekly World News is trying to work the old magic with a pretty lame photoshop of a CatDog.

I saw this cartoon. It kinda sucked. I mean, it's no Invader Zim.

Emily says "Make me Bachelorette!"

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Emily, the woman who accepted Bachelor Brad's on-air proposal only to dump him a few weeks later, wants to be the star of the next installment of The Bachelorette, where she gets to do the choosing.

Personally, I want her and all her ilk to be shipped to Monster Island where they can be chased and hopefully eaten by giant beasts from Japanese movies.

Sadly, her wish is much more likely to be granted than mine is.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: All the Kim Kardashian stories for the week.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Like Wills'N'Kate, Kim Kardashian is getting the "at least one story a week" treatment in the supermarket rags before her marriage. Unlike Wills'N'Kate, the date has not been set yet, though the rumors are it will be this summer, which means less than three months away. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: First look at Kim's wedding dress
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding panic!
  Last minute doubts
  family fights
  guest-list snubs
  the dress doesn't fit - 15 lbs. to lose!
  Did she jump into this too soon?

This follows the general pattern of the past few weeks. OK! has had headlines that paint the situation in a positive light, why Weekly Life & Style has been say it's going to be a train wreck.

Let me say this. Kris Humphries is a young millionaire in top physical condition having sex with Kim Kardashian, and I'm starting to feel pity for the guy.

How wrong is that?

Love Bird Alert™:Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez on vacation.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Star
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Justin Bieber, the biggest star on the planet, and his girlfriend Selena Gomez were spotted on vacation this week and three different magazines went with the story. Here are the headlines.

• People: Justin & Selena: Young Love!
• Weekly Life & Style: Justin and Selena's sexy vacation
• Star: Justin and Selena HOT

If there is a spike in young female suicide attempts this week, this would be the most likely explanation.

Commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive sent me this picture and asked if it looked like Justin had a little... manly happiness in his swim trunks. It's hard to be definite given the angle of this picture and the cropping, but I know if I was in his situation, there would be some happiness in my swim trunks.

Just sayin'.

Weekly World News alert: Real life island of Dr. Moreau has the freakiest animals on earth.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 28 March 2011

The Weekly World News tells us about the freakiest animals on earth on a real life island of Dr. Moreau, and use a black and white version of this bad photoshop I found on the web to prove it.

This is a weak effort from the Weekly World News, and I think the Sayer of the Law would agree with me.

If you want to find the freakiest animals on earth, you must contact the spirit of Rick James.

Bitchez!

Love Bird Alert™: Ashlee Simpson dating Pete's friend.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 21 March 2011

In Touch believes you want to know about Ashlee Simpson's love life since divorcing her husband, bassist Pete Wentz. She's dating one of his friends.

It might seem a little too close for comfort, but she's from a small gene pool so it seems natural to her.

Two stories about Bachelor Brad

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 March 2011

I'm not sure if I've brought it up before, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are owned by the same company, Bauer Publishing, a large German consortium. They are supposed to have different editorial policies, but they look very similar to me. This week, they both have stories about The Bachelor, one of the many reality TV shows I actively detest.

Weekly Life & Style's headline is simple: Exclusive! Bachelor breakdown.

Whether that means Brad is in a mental institution or they are just giving a recap of the season so far, the cover doesn't make it clear and if you really want to know, you'll have to open the magazine your own bad self.



In Touch, on the other hand, takes up most of the cover to let Bachelorette Emily have it with both barrels. She hasn't been mentioned on any previous covers, but it sounds like she is yet another run of the mill reality TV star.

Bachelor Brad betrayed!
Tricked by Emily's lies
Engagement to dead race car driver "fake"
A gold digger obsessed with fame
Her secret celebrity fling
Why proposing could be the BIGGEST mistake of his life

As the Bard so famously wrote, the course of true love never did smooth.
(Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 1, Scene 1)
That's the Bard, not the Brad.

Man Slut Alert: Charlie Sheen's madam may name more names.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Even if you only pay scant attention to gossip, you had to know this week's most popular celebrity would be the self-destructing Charlie Sheen. All the other stories that mention him this week are actually about him, but the low rent Examiner uses his name to trash others with rumors. They speculate about Sheen's madam's little black book and what names might be in it. They include Brad Pitt, no stranger to malicious gossip about his love life, and Vanna White's husband, also not a surprise given the low rent Examiner's continued claims that she is addicted to "bad boys". The third name on the list is unusual and not previously mentioned in the supermarket rags in 2010 or 2011.

Welcome to gossip hell, Kevin Costner! It surprises me to see his name bandied about in such a sordid way because:

1. He's dull as dishwater, and
2. I didn't even know he counted as a movie star anymore.

I'm cruel, but fair.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen's new look and new love

(photo copyright Getty Images)
Publication: OK!
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The gossip rags still need to talk about Jennifer Aniston, and this story in OK! is an interesting mix of what she was famous for twenty years ago (her haircut, though slightly different back then) and what she is famous for now, her on-again but mainly off-again love life. OK! likes short headlines, so they do not give a hint of who the new fella is on the cover and they are also coy about his identity on their website, so if you want to find out, you'll have to buy the magazine yourself.

Who am I kidding? You'll have to pick up the magazine in the supermarket checkout line, thumb through it and put it back.

As for the haircut, it is not remarkable enough to take my focus off of her raccoon eyeliner and slightly pudgy chin. Looks like she needs to put the tequila way back in the liquor cabinet for awhile and give somebody else the keys.

Teen Mom Leah's double life.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 March 2011

This week, In Touch gives us a double dose of Teen Mom awfulness. Leah Messer is living a double life, but as you might imagine, in her case they are both kind of squalid and tacky. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Caught seeing another man!
• Feeling trapped in her marriage, Leah is torn between Corey and a bad-boy named Seth

I would love for this to be the last spasm of coverage of the whole Teen Mom phenomenon in the supermarket rags. I'd also love to see Qaddafi step down peacefully and Wisconsin state workers get to keep their collective bargaining rights, but all three of those hopes look to be long shots.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: How Kendra lost 10 lbs. in two weeks. Like for the jillionth time, except this one is EXCLUSIVE!

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 March 2011

Kendra has lost 10 pounds yet again in two weeks.
These last ten pounds are EXCLUSIVE in OK!, so maybe they didn't really happen at all.

According to the gossip rags, she has lost a total of 35 pounds in 2011 alone. At this rate, we might get lucky and she'll lose those stubborn last 120 pounds and vanish from our plane of existence.

But we are probably not that lucky.

Rich people are rich: How Kourtney and Scott blew millions

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 March 2011

Kourtney Kardashian is not as popular a target of the tabloids as her sister Kim, but right now she is in the top ten most popular celebrities of 2011, and so popular that her useless leech of a boyfriend is still in the top ten overall.

In Touch wants us to know how they have wasted millions. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say if they have paid any money for orthodontics for Scott, that is wasted money because the cat NEVER smiles as far as I can tell.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: More royal wedding details

Publication: People
Date: 7 March 2011

Yet another story about the upcoming royal wedding. According to People, Kate is very hands on with the wedding guest list, which they say is already out. One of the sub-headlines reads "How the royal couple are breaking with tradition and making the special day their own."

She inviting some old flames, and among the celebrities asked are David and Victoria Beckham and Kanye West(!?!).

I supposed this means Taylor Swift will not be invited.

Engagement details from Bachelor Brad

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 March 2011

Regular readers will know how much I dislike the stories about that silly show The Bachelor, but in general the gossip mags eat this stuff up. We are lead to believe Bachelor Brad is going to be engaged, but when you look at this show's track record for romantic success, it makes no sense to get excited about this drivel.

The only solace I have is that soon enough there will be a new season of the show and this particular dweeb will be yesterday's news.

Stars without make-up: Sofia Vergara unmasked.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 28 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last trash of the week... right now!

Star magazine publishes a picture of glamor puss Sophia Vergara without make-up. The star says she feels naked without make-up.

I can see how she feels that way. Even so, both of these pictures lack a certain something.

Ahh, yes! World class cleavage! Much better.

Comfy Shoes Alert™:Sonny Bono's Widow in Lesbian Drama

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 January 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to gossip hell, Congresswoman Mary Bono Mack!

The Globe tells us (and it has been confirmed elsewhere) that photos of the California Republican have been released showing her in amorous embrace with a female donor to her campaign.

"Amorous" as in licking her nekkidness.

That's what politics is really about. Servicing your constituents!

This is not THE worst scandal for a Republican, but it's awful damn close. The only bright side is this comes out two months after winning re-election and the voting public has the collective attention span of a swarm of gnats.

Weekly World News alert:Alien skull found on White House lawn

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 10 January 2011

Who else but the Weekly World News would tell us the important news we can use?

Nobody, I tellz ya.

So they found an alien skull on the White House lawn, and the WWN speculates that the aliens might return for the remains of their fallen comrade.

I say it's lucky they found it in the dead of winter like this. If some kid had found it during the Easter egg hunt, THAT would have been awkward.