Damn You Skinny Alert™: A whole slew of too skinny celebrity women.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 20 June 2011

Star uses most of the cover this week to show women who are too skinny as far as they are concerned. The list includes Ashlee Simpson, Courtney Love, Keira Knightley, Taylor Momsen, Tara Reid, Gretchen Rossi, Candice Swanepoel and a blocked out face "Guess who?" picture of Taylor Armstrong from Real Housewives that was on the cover of Star last April.

The magazine expects their readers have the attention spans of gnats. They may be right as far as that goes.

Love Bird Alert™: Ashlee Simpson dating Pete's friend.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 21 March 2011

In Touch believes you want to know about Ashlee Simpson's love life since divorcing her husband, bassist Pete Wentz. She's dating one of his friends.

It might seem a little too close for comfort, but she's from a small gene pool so it seems natural to her.

On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz

Publications: OK!, Us, In Touch
Date: 28 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Ashlee Simpson, Jessica's less interesting sister, married Pete Wentz, bassist/songwriter for Fall Out Boy, back in 2008. The couple was completely off the gossip mag radar in 2010, but now that they have filed for divorce, three magazines carry the story this week. Here are the headlines.

• Us: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz: What tore them apart
• OK!: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz: Things weren't right
  
• In Touch: Ashlee & Pete's sexless marriage

If this were a headline competition, I'd say In Touch wins on points.

Celebrity body bloopers

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 9 August 2010

Are you self conscious about your body, and if not, why not?

Seriously, there's a multi-billion dollar industry based on you feeling like crap about how you look. Maybe you are super gorgeous or maybe you just have good self-esteem, but think about it. The economy is in the dumper and at least part of that is your fault.

The Examiner decided to help you with your body image problems, if they exist, by making fun of the flaws of allegedly attractive celebrities. Some of the pictures are five years old or older, but the Examiner is notoriously cheap. If you are asking them to have a cover story that is both true and actually news, they would like to remind you that money does not grow on trees.

Ready to feel better about yourself? Here we go.


Katie Holmes has zits.


Teri Hatcher is scary skinny.


Madonna's arms look weird.


Nicole Kidman's left hand looks like a mutant lobster.


Ashlee Simpson has a strange tongue.

Feel better yet?

You're welcome.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Jessica balloons, Ashlee plunges

Publication: Star
Date: 9 August 2010

Not many stories specifically about weight issues this week, but Star does take the time to tell us Jessica Simpson is too fat and Ashlee Simpson is too skinny. This is not a recent picture of the sisters. Ashlee's hair is now red.

Jessica can sing though she can't enunciate. Ashlee is famous for getting caught lip-synching on national TV. Both of them have the roughly the intellectual capacity of Homer Simpson. But in their chosen careers, none of that matters a whit if they are not attractive.

Problems With Plastic Alert™:Ashlee Simpson's nose growing back

Publication: In Touch
Date: 22 Feb. 2010

Here's a new one to me. Ashlee Simpson got her nose bobbed, and supposedly it is becoming unbobbed.

I wish I had a joke for this one. Actually, If I'm going to use a wish, I wish I'd never heard of Ashlee Simpson in the first place, but I guess there's no unringing that bell.