Madonna's brother is homeless.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

The low rent Examiner reports Madonna's brother is homeless and living under a bridge.

I don't know what is worse for Madge, this story that makes her look heartless or the fact that it's being reported in the gossip rag about people whose careers are either waning seriously or completely over.

Problems With Plastic Alert: Plastic surgery confessions!

Publication: Star
Date: 1 August 2011
(photo nicked for exposay.com, copyright Chris Hatcher)

Another grab bag of celebrities who have gone under the knife are presented on the cove of Star this week. There are a couple of "Guess Who?" pictures, but as you know, I don't play that. A lot of the women are older stars barely of any interest to the tabloids. For example, Linda Evans get mentioned for the first time in at least two years and Madonna and Lisa Rinna (pictured above) get mentioned for the first time in 2011. Suzanne Somers and Nicole Kidman are also mentioned, common names when plastic surgery is the topic.

If any name on the list counts as a surprise at all, they say that Jennifer Aniston, the youngest person on the list by several years, has been under the knife twice. Star has floated this story before.

Who's Nasty and Who's Nice?

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 13 December 2010



The low rent Examiner, usually in competition with the other Wicked Step Sisters for who can print the most nasty headlines, produces a front cover that is, dare I say it, fair and balanced this week. They have a grab bag story about who is nasty and who is nice, identifying three of each, then they have five pictures of celebrities who they identify inside the magazine. As usual, I didn't open the magazine to find out, but I'll admit I was tempted to do so, and I never want to open up the low rent Examiner.



Here are the three nasty celebrities they identify.

• Dr. Phil McGraw
• Angelina Jolie
• Barbara Walters

I can believe that list.

Here are the three celebrities they identify as nice.

• Angela Lansbury
• Tom Hanks
• George Clooney

Also a believable list.

These are five names they promise to identify inside the magazine as nasty or nice.

• Donald Trump
• Matt Lauer
• Sally Field
• Garth Brooks
• Madonna

Okay, I'm a little curious, but I have a pretty good idea which way each of these goes, at least about the celebrities for whom I actually have formed an opinion.

Meanest Story nominee:Madonna has head lice

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 29 November 2010

Do you hate Madonna? Would it make you happy if she had a problem usually reserved for children of the poor? If you answered yes to these questions, the Enquirer would like you to buy their magazine this week.

Celebrity body bloopers

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 9 August 2010

Are you self conscious about your body, and if not, why not?

Seriously, there's a multi-billion dollar industry based on you feeling like crap about how you look. Maybe you are super gorgeous or maybe you just have good self-esteem, but think about it. The economy is in the dumper and at least part of that is your fault.

The Examiner decided to help you with your body image problems, if they exist, by making fun of the flaws of allegedly attractive celebrities. Some of the pictures are five years old or older, but the Examiner is notoriously cheap. If you are asking them to have a cover story that is both true and actually news, they would like to remind you that money does not grow on trees.

Ready to feel better about yourself? Here we go.


Katie Holmes has zits.


Teri Hatcher is scary skinny.


Madonna's arms look weird.


Nicole Kidman's left hand looks like a mutant lobster.


Ashlee Simpson has a strange tongue.

Feel better yet?

You're welcome.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Madonna and Gwyneth no longer BFFs!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 21 June 2010

So Gwyn said something about Madge, and Madge was like "Oh, no you din't!" and Gwyn was like all "Uh-huh, and whatchoo gonna do about it?" and Madge was totally "Oh, beeyotch, you did not go there, because now it's on like Donkey Kong!" (Madge said that 'cos she's like totally old. Like she remembers when Donkey Kong first came out.)

Or words to that effect. Exact quotes may vary.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:The National Enquirer rags on many celebrities for not being perfect, except for one.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 17 May 2010

The Flagship has one of those cover stories with a bunch of pictures of celebrities, in this case all female, where the magazine rags on their flaws. Almost everyone is too skinny or too fat, but one woman is considered nearly perfect. There are a couple of "guess who?" pictures, but I hate those so I didn't open the rag to find out and I make it a point not to do so in these circumstances. Here the people who had names attached to their pictures.

Way too skinny: Nicole Kidman, Lindsay Lohan
Scary muscles: Madonna
Way too fat: Queen Latifah, Mariah Carey
Just about perfect: Beyoncé Knowles

Leaving The Love Boat™:Madonna and Jesus Luz

Publication: Chicago Sun-Times
Date: 4 Feb. 2010

The tabs missed it, but it is being reported that the 51 year old Madonna and her 23 year old Brazilian boyfriend Jesus Luz are going their separate ways. It turns out that besides Kabbalah, they don't have that much in common.

So nu?

Besides being 28 years older than Jesus, Madge is 14 years older than Jesus' mom.

Do the math. Or don't. It's icky.