Problems with Plastic alert™: Plastic surgery shockers!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The Enquirer has another grab-bag story on the cover about celebrities who have had plastic surgery that sucks. The headline reads "The good, the bad and the really ugly", but as usual, they leave the good off the front cover.  Here are the women they trash, including gossip hell newcomers Dyan Cannon and Susan Lucci.

• Barbara Walters - what went wrong
• Dyan Cannon - over the top
• Susan Lucci - Elastic face & squinty eyes
• Lindsay Lohan - bloated disaster
    

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and worst celebrity diets September 2011.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 September 2011



The Enquirer does sometimes get a story right, but in their hearts they are liars who can't be trusted. This week on the cover, they promise the best and worst celebrity diets, but the pictures on the cover only show people who are very fat or way too skinny. There are a couple of "Guess Who?" pictures, but I don't play that. I will note that in the "Guess Who?", there is a picture of a man with his face covered where you can count his ribs like some survivor from Auschwitz, but all the rest of the people pictured are women.



Here are the too fat people named.

• Miranda Lambert: 158 pounds
• Sabourney Sibide: 400 pounds
  
  

Here are the too skinny people named.

• Lindsay Lohan: scary skinny
• Renee Zellweger: bag of bones
• Christie Brinkley: 107 lbs.

She Fought The Law Alert™: Inside Lindsay's house arrest.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 July 2011

For only the seventh time in six months, Lindsay Lohan lands on the cover of one of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. Weekly Life & Style has exclusive interviews and photos of the star who is now under house arrest.

As much drama as Lindsay produces, the supermarket rags just barely care about her. To give you a rough idea, there are four young women from the reality TV nightmare Teen Mom that have more cover stories this year than Lindsay Lohan.

Weekly World News Alert: A promise of no pictures of Lindsay Lohan inside.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

The Weekly World News has a cute gag headline about a promise to have no pictures of Lindsay Lohan in their magazine this week, with a picture of LiLo on the cover where she is running from paparazzi and barely visible.

I think the gag would be funnier if they had named a real tabloid gossip star like Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Kim Kardashian or Angelina Jolie, but still, it's a cute little joke.

Demon Rum Alert™: Lindsay wasted on Red Bull and vodka!

Publication: Star
Date: 2 May 2011

If some supermarket rag is picking on Lindsay Lohan in 2011, it's a pretty good bet it's the Star. They now tell us Lindsay is continuing to get sloshed on Red Bull and vodka, the drink for people who want to do a lot of things they won't remember the next morning. The source is "partying pal" Keith Middlebrook, who can fully expect that he has been removed from LiLo's speed dial.

She Fought The Law Alert™: Lindsay and the necklace.

Publication: Star
Date: 21 March 2011

Most stories about Lindsay Lohan focus on the drug addict and drunk angle, but the Star would remind us that Lindsay is also in the habit of boosting stuff.

No other actual movie star has had as much trouble with the law and actual jail time as Lindsay Lohan, but according to The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, that only makes her about half as interesting as the worst of the Teen Mom "stars".

Reality TV is the tail wagging the gossip dog these days.

They fought the law alert™: Celebrity mug shots for late February 2011

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 February 2011

As a subsection of their "Hollywood out of control!" story this week, the Enquirer posts several celebrity mug shots. Among the honored few are:

• Amber Portwood of Teen Mom, pictured above
• Joyce DeWitt, looking like a street person
• Jaime Pressly, also worse for wear
• Lindsay Lohan, looking like she always does
  

She Fought The Law Alert™:Why Lindsay can't stop stealing things.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 21 February 2011

The celebrities who have run afoul of the law the most recently are Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, and their names show up in online gossip sources all the time. The supermarket gossip rags have a demographic that skews older, so they have shown much more interest in multiple reality TV show stars and cheating celebrities like Tiger Woods and Jesse James.

The Star puts forward the theory that Lindsay Lohan is a kleptomaniac, which would explain why she can't stop stealing things. The also have the sub-headline "new jail drama", because the latest episode may be treated as a felony. If you Google "lindsay lohan stealing", you'll see there have been reports and/or suspicions of her walking away with other people's stuff at least four times in the past four years.

Love Bird Alert™:Lindsay Lohan and Tom Hardy.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 7 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lindsay Lohan, usually mentioned in the gossip rags for her scrapes with the law and troubles with substances, instead gets a positive story this week. In Touch quotes friends of hers saying she has a new fella.

Welcome to (American) gossip hell, Tom Hardy. The British actor is not a household name in the United States yet, but he did come to the attention of American audiences as Eames the identity forger in the hit movie Inception last summer.

Meanest Story nominee:Lindsay beyond hope?

Publication: People
Date: 11 October 2010

For the first time, the Gold Standard has a headline that I'm putting in the running for Meanest Story of the Week. The headline reads "Lindsay Beyond Hope? Friends Fear She Can't Get Better".

The tactic of asking a question as a headline is reminiscent of Fox News having stories like "Is Obama a Socialist?" or "Are Death Panels Coming?" For this, People becomes yet another supermarket rag in the running for Meanest Story.

Lindsay Lohan's apology was fake!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 October 2010

Clearing the decks of dish this week so I can start the three month review tomorrow, the last trash of the week is that Lindsay Lohan's apology was fake! To whom she apologized and what she was apologizing for, I have no idea, but Us Weekly tells us we can't believe a word she says.

Bitch.

Breaking news:Lindsay Lohan released from jail

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 25 September 2010

Well, that was fast. Some judge gets his or her panties in a twist and throws some starlet in the can. (It's almost never a guy anymore.) Then some lawyer finds some other judge who isn't full of umbrage and the starlet is back on the streets.

Lindsay Lohan didn't see even twenty four hours of incarceration for her latest transgression, but there is another hearing on October 22.

She Fought The Law Alert™:Lindsay Lohan back to jail

Publication: tmz.com
Date: 24 September 2010

The supermarket rags don't care that much, but if Lindsay Lohan didn't exist, online gossip site would have to invent her. She admits she did drugs she wasn't supposed to and the judge threw her narrow ass in county quicker than you can say, "C'mon, just one line of blow. Who's gonna know?"

Her lawyer has appealed the denial of bail, but if that doesn't work, she will be enjoying the largesse of the county until Oct. 22, the date of her next hearing.

Breaking news:Lindsay Lohan admits to failing drug test

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 18 September 2010

As I have written before, the supermarket gossip rags only publish once a week, while celebrities are doing stupid stuff 24/7. Being scooped by the Internet is inevitable.

Lindsay Lohan, out on probation from a drug conviction, admits she failed a drug test. You know if you follow her on Twitter.

If you follow her on Twitter, please don't admit to it in the comments. I like to think well of my invisible reading public. Just tell me you heard it online and we'll leave it at that.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Jen has a catfight over John Mayer with...? This one is hard to guess, too.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 27 September 2010

There were a couple of stories in the Star last month that Jennifer Aniston was back together with famously mouthy man slut John Mayer, he with the enormously large head. Now, In Touch jumps on the bandwagon, saying they are a couple, but Jennifer now has to fight with another celebrity to win John's love.

Any guesses?

If you said "Lindsay Lohan, famous drunk, infamous jailbird and alleged Comfy Shoe wearer", give yourself a special prize, but please do not charge it to my tab.

Like I said, Jen is getting teamed up with some odd co-stars this week.

Long lost relative alert:Lindsay Lohan has a half sister?

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 September 2010

Sorry for the confusing picture. The picture of 15 year old Ashley Kaufmann, the alleged half sister of Lindsay Lohan, is obviously from OK! magazine, while the headline is from Weekly Life & Style. Just to be more confusing, I nicked the picture from the Huffington Post, where they gave the credit for the gossip to the New York Post.

Confused? Don't be.

It's so easy. Lindsay Lohan's dad is a scumbag. He may have knocked up some woman back in the nineties. I have no inside information, but if you want to bet he is innocent in all of this, I'll lay 10-1 he isn't. Straight up, no vig.

Most unnecessary punctuation of the week award goes to...

Publication: People
Date: 30 August 2010

I doubt this will happen often enough to be a weekly award, but People definitely wins the most unnecessary punctuation of the week award with this headline.

Lindsay: Toxic Family?

Earlier examples of unnecessary punctuation on magazine covers include

Scientific American:
Pluto: Small and Far From the Sun?

And the all time winner.

National Geographic:
Puffins: Colorful and Cute?

She Fought The Law Alert™:Lindsay Lohan's prison diary

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 9 August 2010

Oopsie on me! There was one story from last week's covers I forgot to cover.

Oopsie on Weekly Life & Style! While the magazine was still on the newsstand as of Wednesday the 4th, Lindsay was out of the Big House last Monday and now has a stint in rehab that will likely not only last fourteen days.

It's also not likely it's going to slow down the train wreck that is her life, but that's another matter.

Demon Drugs Alert™:Inside Lindsay's Detox

Publication: OK!
Date: 2 August 2010

There were five Lindsay Lohan cover stories last week and only one this week, this one from OK!, who comment on Lindsay's detox program. Technically, the judge sent her to jail first and detox second, but you know Lindsay, can't tell that girl what to do and when.

Which is pretty much the root cause of all her problems, isn't it?

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Lindsay Lohan's life in danger

Publications: Star, In Touch
Date: 26 July 2010

Both In Touch and Star put a morbid twist on the Lindsay Lohan story. Lindsay's mom fears for her life according to In Touch and Star says she's suicidal. Other details in Star include that she's under watch 24/7, she's not eating or sleeping and she is taking a deadly drug cocktail.

This now increases the size of the death watch list to 38, and Lohan joins Bret Michaels with multiple mentions outside in the Three Wicked Stepsister tabloids. Make of that what you will.