Demon Rum Alert™: Camilla's drunken tirade stuns queen

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

It's too bad that the popular Camilla in the tabloids is Camilla Parker-Bowles and not Camilla Belle. She really is cute as a bug's ear.

But since the publication date of this week's tabloids is Halloween, it's only fair we get a story about this old bat. Camilla once again got drunk, once again said nasty things about Kate and this time she stunned the queen, who should kinda sorta be used to drunks saying stupid things by now, given her family history.

Meanest Story nominee: Johnny Depp's drinking is out of control.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Johnny Depp may be a certified movie star, but he's not a person the tabloids harp upon. There were some stories about him when he made The Tourist last year and got into orbit around the gossip star that is Angelina Jolie, but only the occasional mention other than that. This week, the Enquirer goes with a story that he is a mess along the lines of Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan, though without the headline making arrests. Here are the Enquirer's headlines.

• Johnny Depp's drunken collapse
• His booze bingeing is out of control

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Demon Rum Alert™: Kate scolds her brother-in-law Prince Harry.

Publication: Globe
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! According to the Globe, former commoner Kate Middleton has gotten in to the swing of what it means to be a British female royal person, because she is up in everyone's business. Here are the headlines.

• Kate attacks drunken Prince Harry
• You need rehab! - she rages

Things often change slowly in this world, but sometimes it's for the better. Last year, "Kate" on the cover of an American gossip rags meant Kate Gosselin. Now it's Kate Middleton. To my mind, that's a big improvement.

Meanest story nominee: Obama breaks down after booze binge!

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The Globe tells us that Barack Hussein Montgomery Clift Obama cannot hold his liquor and has collapsed after a booze binge. According to the headline, rehab is the secret behind his recent $5 million vacation.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Obama's drunken bash WHILE AMERICA SUFFERS!

Publication: Globe

Date: 22 August 2011



The Globe, trying to get on the right wing outrage bandwagon, tells us that the president's fiftieth birthday party was a drunken bacchanal with "dirty dancing", thrown WHILE AMERICA SUFFERS. Inside, they promise THE OUTRAGE.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Demon Rum Alert™: Harry Potter star's drunken binges!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Daniel Radcliffe! The gossip rags l-o-v-e Twilight, but this is the first story about anyone from the Harry Potter cast on a supermarket checkout rag cover in a year and half at least. Star wants you to know young Mr. Radcliffe is a drunk, but he's already admitted to this in interviews and he says he's given the stuff up.

Damn You Fat Alert™: Jessica Simpson drunk and crying over her weight.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 30 May 2011

Two very different stories about Jessica Simpson in the tabs this week. Star says she's upset over her weight, and gets drunk and weepy about it.

Breaking news: Whitney Houston checks into rehab. Again.

Publication: People online
Date: 9 May 2011

The online version of People is reporting that Whitney Houston is checking into rehab for treatment of addiction to drugs and alcohol. Since this is reported on a Monday, it should be on the cover of some gossip rag coming out this Thursday.

Demon Drugs and Demon Rum Alert™: Lady Gaga's family has an intervention.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 9 May 2011

Online gossip sources love Lady Gaga, the supermarket rags not so much. This year, only Star has mentioned her at all and both times it's to tell us she's taking way too many recreational concoctions. Here are the sub-headlines.

• family's last ditch attempt to save her
• drunk all day
• terrifying collapse
• coke & ecstasy

Who knows? Maybe she was born this way.

Meanest Story nominee: Tina Turner headed to booze rehab, friends fear.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

Welcome (back) to gossip hell, Miss Tina Turner! The Enquirer has another one of those "friends fear" stories, which really means somebody needed a few bucks and they ratted out a celebrity for cash. According to this story, Tina is drinking hard after the death of her sister.

I hate to bring up age and Miss Turner in the same sentence, but I had a poster of her in my room when I was in high school, so she does technically count as Hey Old Timer Gossip.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Demon Rum Alert™: Lindsay wasted on Red Bull and vodka!

Publication: Star
Date: 2 May 2011

If some supermarket rag is picking on Lindsay Lohan in 2011, it's a pretty good bet it's the Star. They now tell us Lindsay is continuing to get sloshed on Red Bull and vodka, the drink for people who want to do a lot of things they won't remember the next morning. The source is "partying pal" Keith Middlebrook, who can fully expect that he has been removed from LiLo's speed dial.

Demon Rum Alert™ and Damn You Fat Alert™: Binging Christina packs on 40 lbs.

Publications: Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 March 2011

Christina Aguilera is getting more notice in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, and part of it is that there are a couple of different angles of attack on this story. The Star says she's hit rock bottom and is put on 40 lbs. due to binges of food and drink. Weekly Life & Style says she refuses to get help.

Breaking news:Christina Aguilera arrested for public drunkenness, her boyfriend for DUI.

Publication: Associated Press (via Huffington Post)
Date: 1 March 2011

Almost as if on cue, Christina Aguilera has been arrested after the supermarket rags have been saying she's a drunken mess. She was arrested for public drunkenness and released on bail, while her boyfriend Matthew Rutler was charged with a DUI and remains in custody.

Miley Cyrus may not be able to beat the competition from the older generation.

Demon Rum Alert™: Christina's drunken rages

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 7 March 2011

Christina Aguilera only became a topic of discussion in the supermarket checkout rags last year after her divorce was announced. In 2010, most of the stories about her were sympathetic. But 2011 has not been as kind to her, even before she screwed up the lyrics and melody to The Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl. The earlier mean stories were in rags from the AMI kennel, the Enquirer and Star, but now it's Us Weekly who is picking on her, telling the public about her drunken rages.

This looks like the start of a downward spiral, at least as far as her public persona is concerned.

Demon You Name It Alert™:Stories about Charlie Sheen and rehab

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lots of stories this week in the supermarket rags, but not a lot of repeats. One story that does show up on two different mags is Charlie Sheen's latest woes, which are very similar to his woes for last several years if not decades. Here are the headlines.

• People: Charlie Sheen, what went wrong
• Us Weekly: Charlie Sheen, inside his breakdown
• Weekly Life & Style: Can Charlie's family save him?
  

I have no inside information, as I have said many times before. But seriously, nothing "went wrong", this doesn't count as a breakdown and his family can't save him. Twelve years ago, there was a very funny but short-lived series on Fox called Action, starring Jay Mohr as a sleazy movie producer, though I repeat myself. They had a well constructed joke about Charlie Sheen and hookers.

In 1999.

There are three switches inside Charlie Sheen's head for hookers, booze and blow. All three of them are set in the "ON" position. They have been set that way since Bill Clinton was president, maybe longer.

A more interesting headline would be: Charlie Sheen, why he is still alive.

Demon Rum Alert™:Jennifer Aniston heading to rehab

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 January 2011

There are several types of Jennifer Aniston stories. There are the "she looks hot" stories, there are the "she's getting Brad back" stories, there are the "she can't find a fella" stories and the "she hates Angie or vice versa" stories. Last week, the Globe fired the opening salvo in an entirely new front on the tabloid assault on Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston is a drunk.

The story from last week has taken a step up from the Globe to the Enquirer, which says that she has binges with vodka, wine, tequila and champagne (hopefully not all in the same evening) and she is headed to rehab, which usually means the editors of the magazine think she should go to rehab, though she may have other ideas, a la Amy Winehouse.

As always, I have no inside information, but if she's still palling around with Chelsea Handler and trying to keep up with her, she may be headed for trouble

Demon Rum Alert™:Jennifer Aniston's Booze Drama at Showbiz Bash

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 January 2011

It's very early in the year, but at the moment The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are showing little interest in Jennifer Aniston, America's favorite spinster. This is only the second mention on a tabloid cover so far in 2011 for her, and it is unflattering in two different ways. Firstly, it's a blurb about her performance at the People's Choice Awards that many blamed on too much alcohol. Secondly, it's in the Globe, whose demographic is skewed towards Hey Old Timer gossip.

Maybe she really is turning into Debbie Reynolds.

Demon Rum Alert™:Boozy Camilla collapses after mob attacks car

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 December 2010

Camilla Parker-Bowles, one of the favorite whipping horses of the Globe and the low rent Examiner, was actually in the news this month, so obviously there had to be a tabloid cover story as well. The picture above is a news photo of their car being attacked by a crowd protesting a 300% hike in tuition. The unverified tabloid angle on this verified actual news event is that Camilla went home, got blotto and fell apart.

I'm not saying it isn't believable, I'm just pointing out it was printed in the Globe, so believe at your own risk.

Demon Rum Alert™:Kate drunk in public

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 December 2010

Here's a stunner. A gossip rag that is not part of the AMI kennel is printing bad stuff about Kate Middleton from the point of view of The Palace, the very old building with the very sensitive feelings. The gist of the story is that the Middleton family had a gay old time back in 2009 and Kate's brother was obviously plastered in public. According to Weekly Life & Style, the old-fashioned queen is embarrassed by Kate and her partying family and they wonder if the wedding will be canceled.

If I may editorialize for a moment (and of course I may, it's my damn blog), the Palace and the Queen who lives there can both bite me. The Queen is worried about being embarrassed? I've got two words for you, hon. Princess Margaret. Is your memory fading? How about Prince Harry? Is your memory good enough to remember the stunts he's pulled?

Liz honey, you gave birth to a homely boy and the way you raised him messed him up royally. His wife wasn't perfect, but she understood the late 20th Century publicity game much better than anyone at the Palace does AND she raised some kids who actually can interact with people. At least with William, your dodgy bloodline has an attractive young man who knows how to smile in public marrying an attractive young woman who knows how to smile in public.

Count your blessings.

Demon Rum Alert™:The real Kate Middleton

Publication: Star
Date: 6 December 2010

Want a story that doesn't paint Kate Middleton in the most positive light? Then you should read the gossip rags from the AMI kennel. This week, it's the Star that decides we should know she's a scheming hussy barely one step removed from Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan. The sub-headlines are as follows:

• How she wooed and won Wills
• Wild nights at drinking clubs (here in the U.S., we usually call them "bars")
  
• personal photo album
• Inside the romantic hut in Kenya where he proposed

This isn't a hard prediction, but if there are going to be any unpleasant stories about the Young Royals over the next few months, expect them to be in the Enquirer, Examiner, Globe and Star. Some might also sneak into the Sun, but only if they decided to adopt The World's Fattest Cat.