Meanest story nominee: Who is Obama's real father?

 Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Dec. 2011

The Globe goes with a story that cops who are probing Obama (probably that publicity hound Joe Arapaio, though he is not named) are trying to find out who his true father is.

Well, I think it's pretty obvious.  If you watched the first three movies (a.k.a. The Good Ones), you've heard Vader's voice and he is like so obvs black.  And more than that, it's clear that the force is strong in Barack Hussein Skywalker Obama.

Mystery solved!

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: The Secret Life of Barack Obama.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner publishes details from Mondo Frazier's new book The Secret Life of Barack Obama. His blurb on Amazon.com says he works for Andrew Breitbart's Big Journalism and for RadarOnline, which is owned by AMI, the publishers of five of the gossip rags.  It is telling that this story is not on the cover of the flagship Enquirer, but instead relegated to the low rent Examiner.  Here are the headlines.

• New blockbuster book by Mondo Frazier
• Shocking Russian "arrest"
• His strange CIA cover-up
• Sinister Pakistan ties 30 years ago!

Just in case you had some doubts about this story, the quotation marks around the word "arrest" should give you an idea of how serious the charges are.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Nostradamus predicts the 2012 election

Publication: Sun

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Are you among the people who accept any prophecy that has the name Nostradamus linked to it?

It's time you changed your mind.  The Sun puts a bunch of stuff on the front page predicting the 2012 election and one of them I am certain is complete bunk.

 

Welcome to gossip hell, Mitt Romney! Nostradamus says he will run afoul of the IRS.

Not impossible.

Barack Obama will have a health scare.

He's young, but all of us are mortal.  This is possible.

Sarah Palin will run as a Democrat.

Ah, hellz no, as we say in Oakland.  She's not running for office, she's too busy running after cash. People do switch parties, but the party has a say about it, too, and she's obviously a loser now.  She wouldn't switch and the Dems wouldn't take her.

I am so certain of this, I'm going to put the "Nostradamus fail" label on this one right now.  I will come back in November 2012 to check the others.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bill and Barack hate each other.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Globe prints more stories about Barack Hussein Hitler Obama than does the low rent Examiner, but the Examiner is fond of story that the Clintons and the Obamas do not get along. This time, instead of Michelle and Hillary, it's Bill and Barack who are at each others' throats.

The rebirth of birther crap: Cops' secret Obama file!

Publication: Globe
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

You might have thought the birth certificate complaints would have gone away earlier this year and only crazy people would still believe it and the press would ignore them.

Well, you do get partial credit for that answer. The Globe found someone besides Sheriff Joe Arpaio who wants to spend taxpayer dollars proving that Barack Hussein Cromwell Obama is an unlawful usurper. Here are the headlines.

• Second official probe into phony birth certificate
• The police evidence: 185 pages
• Panic in White House
• Plus: Prez caught in $535 million 'kickback' scandal
  
  

Three more prophecies for 2011! Doris Day's sad last days, you already know about.

Publication: Sun
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

The Sun comes through this week with four prophecies that they say will come true this year. I split off the prediction of Doris Day's death as a candidate for Meanest Story of the Week, and here are the three others.

First: Obama Election bombshell as U.S. economy collapses

It's hard to have a bombshell eleven months before the votes are cast, but let's take a watch and wait attitude.

Elvis: new autopsy shows how The King really died.

He died at the age of 42, grotesquely fat and drugged out of his mind.

Any questions?

Fatima - Angel reveals fourth prophecy secrets

There were only three prophecies and three kids at Fatima.

Technically, this one doesn't say anything specific, but I will check in on New Year's Day to see if we know anything new about Obama's re-election campaign or Elvis Presley's pathetic demise.

Meanest story nominee: Cops probe Obama!

Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Sept. 2011



You thought birther crap was dead, didn't you? It's merely resting, according to the Globe and Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the publicity hound pinhead who let Steven Seagal run over some suspect's dog with a tank.



And other than the consistent disregard for the law, why is the background of America's Toughest Sheriff's picture pink?



Just asking.



Here are the headlines.

• Tough talking sheriff investigates PHONY birth certificate
• Sheriff Joe Arapaio
• Will he be impeached?
  
  

I don't know if sheriffs can be impeached. I think they have to be recalled, or better yet, tried for criminal behavior and with their fat ass thrown in jail.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Obama breaks down after booze binge!

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The Globe tells us that Barack Hussein Montgomery Clift Obama cannot hold his liquor and has collapsed after a booze binge. According to the headline, rehab is the secret behind his recent $5 million vacation.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Skeeter Davis alert: Goverment death map!

Publication: Sun

Date: 22 August 2011



Usually, I don't print anything from the Sun unless there are specific dates which can be checked, but this week's story about the government death map had a picture of popular tabloid target Barack Elvis Obama and the beginning paragraphs of the story on the cover instead of just a few headlines.



I am reporting on this because of a single phrase I wanted to quote, the detail that this map of where disasters are most likely to strike was compiled by "respected civil engineers, gifted psychics and Bible scholars".



How can you not feel comforted here about a talented line-up like that working on the government dime?

Meanest story nominee: Obama's drunken bash WHILE AMERICA SUFFERS!

Publication: Globe

Date: 22 August 2011



The Globe, trying to get on the right wing outrage bandwagon, tells us that the president's fiftieth birthday party was a drunken bacchanal with "dirty dancing", thrown WHILE AMERICA SUFFERS. Inside, they promise THE OUTRAGE.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

On the rocks alert: Obamas' secret split.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

Ever since Clinton, the gossip rags have loved writing that the presidential marriage is in trouble, especially the Globe and the low rent Examiner. This week, Michelle has had enough and she is now living a life apart from Barack Hussein Lothario Obama.

The low rent Examiner and the Sun are the only two of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter that don't have online versions. This is because both are made on the cheap. Still, we are supposed to believe the low rent Examiner is able to dig up scoops on two of the best protected people on the planet.

The Sun only expects us to believe in the End of the World about six times a year and there's a Bat Boy who was found in a cave.

Meanest story nominee: Michelle storms out!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

If we were to accept the word from the AMI kennel, Michelle Obama is constantly in a raging bad mood, the American equivalent of Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• Hates life in the White House
• Shocking fights with Prez
  

On their website, they add the detail that she is moving out and taking the girls back to Chicago with her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Good Dad Alert™: President Obama on being a good father.

Publication: People
Date: 20 June 2011

Father's Day is next weekend, but People decided to put a cover story about Barack Hussein Huxtable Obama's tenure as a good father.

Whatever anyone thinks of him politically, I think his record as a father so far is exemplary, thank you very much. Some might say his girls are too young to get into trouble and I might concede that point.

I might, but look at how old the Palin girls are and they are already showing signs of being white hot messes.

I wish the president and his family a very happy Father's Day next Sunday and hope with all my heart that this is the last time his girls get mentioned in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter until they graduate high school, graduate college, get married and have babies, hopefully in that order.

News you can use from the presidential book of secrets.

Publication: Sun
Date: 30 May 2011

The idea that there is a Presidential Book of Secrets is a popular conspiracy theory like Area 51, fueled by popular movies and such. The standard idea is that it has the information the United States is still keeping secret after decades or possibly centuries, but the Sun has decided it contains prophecies about the future as well.

Hey, it's fiction, Knock yourselves out.

The three secrets they share on the cover are:

• CIA says Bin Laden still alive
• When more jobs are heading your way
• How U.S. government dodges World War III

As you can see, this is a pretty magical book. I'd usually ignore this because it doesn't give anything specific in terms of dates, but it continues the rumor that Bin Laden is still alive, so I included it.

Prince Charles apologizes to Obama for wedding snub.

Publication: Globe
Date: 23 May 2011

Prince Charles visited the White House last week, that much is true. The Globe says he apologized to Barack Hussein Obama for the snub of not being invited to the big wedding.

Meanest story nominee: Michelle in a rage over Barack's other women.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 May 2011

Stories that the president is cheating on the First Lady has been popular in the AMI kennel for some time now. Of course, it was true when Clinton was in office, but the Three Wicked Step Sisters also told similar stories about George W. Bush and now Barack Hussein Playa Obama. Instead of giving direct evidence of infidelity, the low rent Examiner tells us that scary Michelle is even scarier than usual.

This is a Meanest Story of the Week nominee.

Meanest Story nominee: Obama birth certificate is a fake!

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

Now begins the "afterbirther" era, and the Globe wants to be in the forefront. The long form birth certificate released last week is a FAKE! Here are the sub-headlines.

• File number is fake
• Inside: five more signs of fraud
• Trump: what else is president hiding?

So the Globe is hoping to take the money of the small minority of people who just can't believe a black man can be president except by fraud and subterfuge. As the comedian Ron White likes to remind us, "You can't fix stupid."

The is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Weekly World News alert: Guess who Barack Hussein Aloha Obama is related to?

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 9 May 2011

The Sun has a prediction this week, but no dates on the cover, so I'm only reporting on what the Weekly World News has to say. According to them, the Only President We've Got is related to...

Sarah Palin, the queen of the I-Quit-arod.

Not an actual laugh, but I did smile.

Birther Crap: Obama's meltdown over Trump as birth certificate scandal explodes!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

It's hard to be in the Top Ten most popular celebrities if you are only going to get mentioned in the five tabloids in the AMI kennel, the Enquirer, Globe, Star, Sun and the low rent Examiner, but there is one person in both the all time Top Ten and the 2011 Top Ten who can make that claim.

Barack Hussein Elvis Obama.

This week it's the Globe saying the First Black President is going nuts over the attack from Donald Trump, even though in public, Obama seems pretty cool about it and Trump is the one getting all defensive.

The subheadline reads "Prez terrified of what 'The Donald' has uncovered!"


In reality and behind closed doors, I think Obama is quoting Mayor Clarence Royce of The Wire and his immortal line:

"I get to run against the white boy? Oh, Jesus, please!"

He Fought The Law Alert™: Obama's best pal charged in hooker scandal!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 April 2011

Three stories this week make it look like the dogs from the AMI kennel really want to get thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump elected president, and all of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids are involved. The Globe prints a story that is actually true, which for these three publications is a refreshing change. Robert Titcomb, a friend of Barack Hussein Huggy Bear Obama since high school, was charged with trying to hire a hooker in Hawaii.