Herman Cain is a liar!

Photo by Brian Snyder (REUTERS)
Publication: Globe
Date: 28 Nov. 2011

American Media Inc. has shown a keen interest in the 2012 election. It can be taken for granted that all stories about Obama and his family are negative, but they are mainly in the Globe and the low rent Examiner.  The flagship National Enquirer leaves Obama alone for now.

It's a very different story when dealing with the Republican candidates. They loved the idea of Donald Trump for president, a truly ridiculous concept from the very start, but they have been viciously against several other candidates.  They sniped at Sarah Palin when she was still being coy about running, they said Rick Perry had ties to the Klan, and now they set their sites on fading former front-runner Herman Cain. After a story in the Enquirer last week about Cain and a White House intern, now the Globe has a headine about a "truth detection test" that proves Herman Cain is a liar.

So far, Mitt Romney has largely been spared, with one "prophecy" in the Sun, a magazine so far down the food chain that no one pays attention. (Well, no one but me, but I'm a little OCD about this stuff.) It will be interesting to see if the Enquirer starts writing bad things about Newt Gingrich.  It's not like he has no skeletons in his closet.

Meanest story nominee: Herman Cain and a White House intern!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 21 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Herman Cain!  Just as the legitimate press is beating him up, in comes a blow from the National Enquirer, saying he had an affair with a White House intern.

I can't tell if they are trying to crush his campaign or make him look presidential. In any case, here are the headlines.

• Sex scandal explodes! 
• Friend tells all

Do you think it's a friend of the intern or a friend of Cain?  Yeah, me too.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Nostradamus predicts the 2012 election

Publication: Sun

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Are you among the people who accept any prophecy that has the name Nostradamus linked to it?

It's time you changed your mind.  The Sun puts a bunch of stuff on the front page predicting the 2012 election and one of them I am certain is complete bunk.

 

Welcome to gossip hell, Mitt Romney! Nostradamus says he will run afoul of the IRS.

Not impossible.

Barack Obama will have a health scare.

He's young, but all of us are mortal.  This is possible.

Sarah Palin will run as a Democrat.

Ah, hellz no, as we say in Oakland.  She's not running for office, she's too busy running after cash. People do switch parties, but the party has a say about it, too, and she's obviously a loser now.  She wouldn't switch and the Dems wouldn't take her.

I am so certain of this, I'm going to put the "Nostradamus fail" label on this one right now.  I will come back in November 2012 to check the others.

Meanest story nominee: Rick Perry's ties to the Ku Klux Klan!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 October 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Rick Perry! Commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive tells me that Austin is abuzz with sexual rumors about Governor Goodhair, but the Enquirer begins their attack on him by saying he's tied to the Klan.

I say "begins their attack" because the Enquirer is tenacious, if not always accurate. Other politicians they went after in the past couple of years include Sarah Palin, Al Gore and John Edwards.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Weekly World News alert: Alien backs Michele Bachmann for President!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 8 August 2011

Weekly World News brings back the politically astute Space Alien who endorses presidential candidates. The being from another planet is backing Michele Bachmann for president in 2012. The alien has a pretty good track record, endorsing Clinton in 1992 and Bush in 2000, but it should not be forgotten the alien first backed Ross Perot and then changed his mind, so a Bachmann presidency is not a done deal, thank Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus.

Birther Crap: Obama's meltdown over Trump as birth certificate scandal explodes!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

It's hard to be in the Top Ten most popular celebrities if you are only going to get mentioned in the five tabloids in the AMI kennel, the Enquirer, Globe, Star, Sun and the low rent Examiner, but there is one person in both the all time Top Ten and the 2011 Top Ten who can make that claim.

Barack Hussein Elvis Obama.

This week it's the Globe saying the First Black President is going nuts over the attack from Donald Trump, even though in public, Obama seems pretty cool about it and Trump is the one getting all defensive.

The subheadline reads "Prez terrified of what 'The Donald' has uncovered!"


In reality and behind closed doors, I think Obama is quoting Mayor Clarence Royce of The Wire and his immortal line:

"I get to run against the white boy? Oh, Jesus, please!"

Birther Crap: Donald Trump demands to see Obama's birth certificate.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 April 2011

There are two stories about thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump in the tabloids published by the AMI kennel this week, and it makes it look like they want him to be the next president. The Enquirer publishes some completely fabricated bullshit about his "tough childhood", while the low rent Examiner gets on the birther bandwagon and prints Trump's demands to see Barack Hussein Tommy Flanagan Obama's real birth certificate.

The sub-headline asks "Does it say the word Muslim?"

Currently, Trump is riding high in the polls for the Republican nomination, and I have a very hard time seeing this guy succeeding if he actually had to campaign, largely because he's an ugly, fat, old abrasive asshole with less than zero charm and a punchline for a haircut, his only asset being that he's a celebrity from TV.

And then my ever helpful brain gives me two examples.

Governor Jesse Ventura.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yes, Americans are this stupid. Whether they are "Trump for President" levels of stupid, only time will tell.

Most Delusional Story of the Week:Donald Trump's tough childhood!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 April 2011

The first mention of thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump for President in 2012 that I saw was in the Enquirer last November, and now several publications in the AMI kennel are really pushing the idea. The Flagship lets the thick fingered vulgarian tell his own "amazing" life story, starting with his "tough childhood".

As a middle class kid, let me call bullshit. Trump's dad is the rags to riches story, Trump himself grew up a rich kid. He was sent off to boarding school, he made trouble there, so he was sent to military school, the place that assholes have been sent since time immemorial.

If his childhood was "tough", it was in the same way A.J. Soprano's was tough.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Donald Trump doubts Obama was born in the U.S.A.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 April 2011

Thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump shows that he's serious about the Republican nomination for the presidency by hopping aboard the high speed rail to Crazy Town and showing himself to be a birther. This is yet another Globe headline without any picture and so it gets no picture from me and the label Least Interesting Story of the Week.

Actually, any story about Donald Trump that doesn't include a picture is a blessing, isn't it?

Most Delusional Story of the Week:Donald Trump for President!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 6 December 2010

The AMI kennel doesn't like Sarah Palin much. I assumed they told bad stories about her because it's easy to find people who know her and don't like her or her brood and are willing to cash in a payday as a "source". But what if there is an ulterior motive, throwing sand on her fire so that someone else can be president in 2012?

What about Donald Trump, the thick-fingered vulgarian* who has become a reality TV star in his own right on his ridiculous show The Apprentice? The Flagship puts "Trump for President" on the cover with a quote from him "I can save America!" and a chance to vote in a poll.

Thanks, Enquirer! I needed a laugh this week.

The closest Donald Trump will ever get to elected office is that he once dated Carla Bruni, who is a good singer-songwriter, first lady of France and has fantastic gams, but her taste in men can be described as dodgy at best.

*Tip of the hat to the late lamented Spy magazine, who first called Trump a "thick-fingered vulgarian" and used the epithet at least once in every story they ran about him.