Lady Gaga stole my man.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Lady Gaga is not one of the favorite targets of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter, but the stories about her tend to have a negative slant. Last year she was labeled a homewrecker, so calling her a man stealer is about par for the course.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Lady Gaga's secret wedding.

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!



The Enquirer has a story that Lady Gaga is going to have a secret wedding and tells you, the reader, how you can attend.



This story is odd for several reasons. Let me list them.

1. This is the first time the Enquirer has mentioned Lady Gaga this decade. She's really not aimed at their demographic.
2. It's a generally positive story from the Meanest Tabloid In The United States.
3. If the wedding is a secret, how can any old person in a supermarket checkout line attend?

As odd as the story was, I didn't open the rag up to find the answer to the last question.

Lady Gaga talks love and fame.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 13 June 2011

On the Internet, only two humans are more important than cats: Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. The Only Ten Magazines That Matter skew towards an older demographic, so Bieber and Gaga aren't the center of the supermarket gossip universe, but they do appear from time to time. This is Lady Gaga's third appearance on a tabloid cover in 2011 and the first positive story about her. The others were in Star.

One more story this year and I promise to get a new picture of her.

Demon Drugs and Demon Rum Alert™: Lady Gaga's family has an intervention.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 9 May 2011

Online gossip sources love Lady Gaga, the supermarket rags not so much. This year, only Star has mentioned her at all and both times it's to tell us she's taking way too many recreational concoctions. Here are the sub-headlines.

• family's last ditch attempt to save her
• drunk all day
• terrifying collapse
• coke & ecstasy

Who knows? Maybe she was born this way.

Demon Drugs Alert™:Lady Gaga hits rock bottom.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 14 February 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow. Last trash of the week... right now!

The demographic of supermarket gossip skews older than the online gossip, so Lady Gaga is barely on the radar of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. This week, the Star tells us she has hit rock bottom. The subheadlines read:

• addicted to coke
• scribbles on walls
• e-mailing graphic nude photos

The only thing that surprises me about this is that no matter what else you might say about her, Lady Gaga is an original artist. This story makes it sound like she's stealing Miley Cyrus' act.

Rich people are rich alert:Touring the stars' homes

Publication: OK!
Date: 8 November 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow, last trash of the week... right now!

OK! has a cover story about tours of the stars' homes. The names listed on the cover are Jennifer Lopez, Lady Gaga and Gwyneth Paltrow. The picture above is entrance way of Gracie Mansion, the official residence of the mayor of New York City.

Fashion bests and worsts

Publication: People
Date: 27 September 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This week there are three very different Jennifer Aniston stories, and in all of them she is teamed up with someone you don't expect. It's like some weird parallel universe where Superman hangs out in Central City and fights crime with The Flash.

People has one of those fashion bests and worsts stories, and they have a picture of Jen wearing a little gold dress that looks sexy and stylish.

There's also a picture of Lady Gaga wearing something odd, as usual.

They didn't say in so many words which was best and which was worst, but it's pretty easy to guess.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and Worst Beach bodies

Publication: Star
Date: 13 September 2010

Star goes with a best and worst beach body cover, though most of the bad bodies are given the "Guess who?" treatment, and I refuse to guess or look inside to see who they are ragging on. Among the named people, there's a shot of Britney Spears in a bikini and one of her and Jason Trawick frolicking together, and also photos of Lady Gaga, who looks good, and Kat Von D., who looks odd to me with all her ink, but I'm an old fart. They also have a rear view picture of Kim Kardashian, which I'm assuming is intended for the connoisseurs of the big butt, 'cos that's what little Kim has got, in spades and trump.

On the Rocks Alert:Lady Gaga's bad boyfriend

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 23 August 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow. Last of this week's trash... right now!

Lady Gaga has a bad boyfriend. Given her quote that she is worried about losing creativity through her vagina, I could see that putting a strain on a relationship.

If she actually does have a bad boyfriend, I expect it goes something like this. Or the new remix version, whatever.

You So Crazy Alert™:The real Lady Gaga

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 22 Mar. 2010

The tabloid press is convinced we want to find out more about Lady Gaga. I remain unconvinced, even though I like some of her dance songs.

You So Crazy Alert™:Lady Gaga meltdown

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 8 Mar. 2010

It's Wednesday morning, and the fresh trash is delivered tomorrow.

Weekly Life & Style wants us to know that Lady Gaga had a meltdown. I do not know how to define a "Lady Gaga meltdown". Maybe she was sighted wearing clothes a normal person would wear. That would certainly be odd behavior in her case.

On the rocks alert: Lady Gaga is a homewrecker

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 1 Mar. 2010

Star magazine sees fit to tell us that Lady Gaga, the new pop princess known for her odd fashion-forward outfits, has a new boyfriend and that boyfriend has a wife and at least one kid.

Oh, shameless harlot!

Lady Gaga is sometimes compared to the young Madonna because of her constantly changing style. For me, she's more like Bubble from Absolutely Fabulous, the astoundingly stupid girl played by the brilliant Jane Horrocks. Both Bubble and Lady Gaga are like experiments in how ridiculous an outfit can be before you forget that a really cute young woman is wearing it.