Meanest story nominee: Charlie Sheen has six months to live! (Friends fear.)

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The supermarket rags do not usually hover over the truly flaming hot messes of Hollywood. If they did, Charlie Sheen would have become a fixture in the top ten celebrities list. The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are much more interested in the love lives of Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston.

But after a flurry of stories in March, Charlie has had only two headlines in the mags since until this week, when he moves from the Brave Last Days list to the Expiration Date list. According to the low rent Examiner, his friends fear he has only six months to live. It should be noted that it was the low rent Examiner that put Charlie on the Not Long 4 This World list last year when it reported Martin Sheen was trying to intervene to save his son.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: Denise Richards breaks her silence

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 8 August 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Us has a long interview with Denise Richards inside. Here are the headlines.

• Hookers and drugs - what our girls know
• How I fled while six months pregnant
• Inside Charlie's craziest night ever
• While I regret my boob jobs
  
  

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Ashton Kutcher vs. Charlie Sheen.

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 30 May 2011

The producers of Two and a Half Men have announced the show will continue with Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen. As you can imagine, Charlie took this news with all the level headed goodwill towards his fellow human beings he has always shown in every situation, public and private. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Charlie threatens Ashton!
• Us Weekly: Ashton vs. Charlie

Doesn't fame sound like the funnest thing ever? Aren't we lucky to live in a society where fame is only awarded to the best humanity can offer?

Those questions are rhetorical. You don't have to answer, but you can if you want.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Charlie Sheen died four times since October.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 21 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Back in November, the low rent Examiner went with a story that Martin Sheen was trying an intervention to save his dying son, so Charlie is already on the tabloid vulture list. This week, The Flagship is trying to tell us the Examiner already deserves credit for a scoop since Charlie has been dead four times since last October, and promises details on how he was brought back to life.

A small bookkeeping note: Charlie is no where near being in the top ten of cover stories in the tabloids since I started this blog in 2010, but one more story next week or some breaking news this week and he will be in the 2011 Top Ten. Right now, he's number 11 with a bullet, though I hope it isn't a literal bullet.

And the camera noses in to the tears on their faces: Stories focusing on Charlie Sheen's twin toddlers

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 21 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! It's easy to think of Charlie Sheen as a human train wreck who deserves all the trouble now coming his way, but two different supermarket rags finally bring up a salient fact that turns makes this comedy feel more like a tragedy.

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are the proud parents of twin boys who are now two years old. One or both of them will get custody. Right now, Mueller has sole custody, but that only happened recently.

Here's People's take on the story this week.

• Kids caught in chaos
• Sippy cups, porn stars and threats
  
• The upside-down world of the toddlers trapped in Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller's ugly custody war

Weekly Life & Style also uses most of the cover with a reminder that there are tiny tots involved in this horrible nonsense.

• Exclusive Interview: Charlie Sheen admits "I'm losing my mind".
• After Charlie loses his job and his kids, friends fear he's suicidal.
• He tells WL&S "My lawyer wants to take the bullets out of my gun."

Here's a sentence I don't type that often.

Whatever Sheen is paying that lawyer, it's not enough.

Breaking news: Charlie Sheen fired from Two and a Half Men

Publication: Reuters (via Talking Points Memo)
Date: 7 March 2011

How many people do you have to threaten with knives to get fired from the most popular comedy in America? Apparently, the answer is zero. The way that Reuters is spinning it, Charlie Sheen got canned from the hit TV series Two and a Half Men for making vaguely anti-Semitic remarks about his boss Chuck Lorre.

I'm so glad this country has its priorities straight.

You So Crazy Alert™:A whole passel of different views of the Charlie Sheen debacle

Publications: People, Star, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This week belongs to Charlie Sheen, who shows up on five different supermarket rags. He's only a bit player in the low rent Examiner, but all the rest of the stories are all about him and his increasingly public meltdown. We get to watch him mount a charm offensive to combat the bad stories about him, but he doesn't seem to realize he has nearly zero charm. Here are the headlines.

• People: What happened to Charlie Sheen
  The Inside Story
  A candid talk with the star at home
  The bizarre world of TV's controversial bad boy:
  "If I'm insane, I'm OK with it… This is not an act."
• Star: Charlie uncensored: Hollywood's dirtiest secrets
• Us Weekly: Charlie Sheen: how his kids suffer
• Weekly Life & Style: Family wants Charlie Sheen committed

All the arrows are pointing in the same direction and there is virtually no one standing up for him. This story might just go away quietly, but it won't if Mr. Sheen has anything to say about it. If there is anything refreshing about this slow motion train wreck, it's pretty rare nowadays for this level of idiot to be a middle aged man. Most of the hot messes the gossip industry love are women under the age of 30.

Man Slut Alert: Charlie Sheen's madam may name more names.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Even if you only pay scant attention to gossip, you had to know this week's most popular celebrity would be the self-destructing Charlie Sheen. All the other stories that mention him this week are actually about him, but the low rent Examiner uses his name to trash others with rumors. They speculate about Sheen's madam's little black book and what names might be in it. They include Brad Pitt, no stranger to malicious gossip about his love life, and Vanna White's husband, also not a surprise given the low rent Examiner's continued claims that she is addicted to "bad boys". The third name on the list is unusual and not previously mentioned in the supermarket rags in 2010 or 2011.

Welcome to gossip hell, Kevin Costner! It surprises me to see his name bandied about in such a sordid way because:

1. He's dull as dishwater, and
2. I didn't even know he counted as a movie star anymore.

I'm cruel, but fair.

Annoying label bookkeeping #3

This is a link to the post above, made necessary by too many labels.

Demon You Name It Alert™:Stories about Charlie Sheen and rehab

Publications: People, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lots of stories this week in the supermarket rags, but not a lot of repeats. One story that does show up on two different mags is Charlie Sheen's latest woes, which are very similar to his woes for last several years if not decades. Here are the headlines.

• People: Charlie Sheen, what went wrong
• Us Weekly: Charlie Sheen, inside his breakdown
• Weekly Life & Style: Can Charlie's family save him?
  

I have no inside information, as I have said many times before. But seriously, nothing "went wrong", this doesn't count as a breakdown and his family can't save him. Twelve years ago, there was a very funny but short-lived series on Fox called Action, starring Jay Mohr as a sleazy movie producer, though I repeat myself. They had a well constructed joke about Charlie Sheen and hookers.

In 1999.

There are three switches inside Charlie Sheen's head for hookers, booze and blow. All three of them are set in the "ON" position. They have been set that way since Bill Clinton was president, maybe longer.

A more interesting headline would be: Charlie Sheen, why he is still alive.