Bells are ringing alert: Prince Harry proposes to Kate's sister!

Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Dec. 2011

The royal wedding this year turned Pippa Middleton into a gossip star on this side of the Atlantic.  On this week's cover, the Globe says Prince Harry has proposed to "Kate's sister", but on their website they make it clear it's Pippa.

I don't believe it for a second, but I publish this stuff regardless of believability.  That's kind of the point.

Man slut alert: Harry the homewrecker.

Publication: Star

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Prince Harry, the ginger headed royal rascal who doesn't look much like his mum or his dad, is allegedly up to his rakish tricks according to the Star, stealing another man's woman.

I say let him have his fun.  It's not like he has a real job, is it?

Prince Harry's wild American nights!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

This Saturday it's all about the royals on the blog. Everybody's favorite ginger playboy Prince Harry is in the United States getting valuable military training, but he's also out having fun and causing a ruckus, a skill set he has trained for all his young life.

Hey, it's not like his sperm decides the fate of the monarchy, right? Let the young guy have some fun, I say.

Demon Rum Alert™: Kate scolds her brother-in-law Prince Harry.

Publication: Globe
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! According to the Globe, former commoner Kate Middleton has gotten in to the swing of what it means to be a British female royal person, because she is up in everyone's business. Here are the headlines.

• Kate attacks drunken Prince Harry
• You need rehab! - she rages

Things often change slowly in this world, but sometimes it's for the better. Last year, "Kate" on the cover of an American gossip rags meant Kate Gosselin. Now it's Kate Middleton. To my mind, that's a big improvement.

All this week's news about Pippa Middleton

Publications: Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

I thought Pippa Middleton was going to be a flash in the pan, especially here in the United States after the wedding was over, but the editors of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have other ideas. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Harry & Pippa! Their love secrets
  As rumors swirl of a secret date between Harry & Pippa, she leaves her boyfriend and steps out with secret royal
• Weekly Life & Style: Pippa upgrades to a millionaire
• In Touch: Pippa & Harry Secret Date!

According to British sources, she hasn't left her longtime boyfriend Alex Loudon, a guy who hasn't made it to the covers of the American gossip rags yet.

DNA proves who is Prince Harry's real father!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to 21st Century American gossip hell, James Hewitt! The low rent Examiner re-hashes a story that has been forwarded many times, especially in Great Britain, that Prince Harry, the cheeky young prince that doesn't look much like anybody on either side of his family tree, is the son of James Hewitt. Hewitt's more than a little squidgy now, but in the picture shown here of him as a young man, was a dashing fellow with a great head of ginger hair, not unlike the cheeky young prince.

Bells are Ringing Alert™ and Love Bird Alert and On the Rocks Alert: Prince Harry and Chelsy Davy. and, oh yeah, Pippa Middleton.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 23 May 2011

Welcome to American gossip hell, Chelsy Davy! The Zimbabwean born blond has been the girlfriend of Prince Harry (you know, the one who doesn't look anything like either Chuck or Diana?) for many years. In Touch and Weekly Life & Style both give her a mention on their covers this week. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Another royal wedding
  Harry & Chelsy
  Prince Harry tells his longtime love Chelsy "You're next' at William and Kate's wedding
  The secret engagement, the dress, the ring
  How Chelsy won her prince
• In Touch: Chelsy & Pippa's fight for Harry!

Notice the subtle difference? I thought you might. As I have said many times in the past, the only thing you can be sure of when two gossip mags contradict themselves is that the story isn't over.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Prince Harry hits it off with Pippa Middleton.

Publication: Star
Date: 16 May 2011

The Star went with the headline "Now it's Harry & Pippa! Royal Love Triangle".

Americans may not be aware that Prince Harry has been dating a woman named Chelsy Davy on and off for several years now, which gives us the third side of the triangle. Her name isn't mentioned on the cover.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Stories about Wills'N'Kate's wedding.

Publications: People, OK!, Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 16 May 2011

This was a week when several things happened that we will remember for a long time, but the most obviously gossipy event was the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The low rent Examiner didn't show up on the racks at my local newsstand this week, so I'll just have to hope it shows up later, but from what I've seen, the dogs in the AMI kennel left the story alone completely or use the event to highlight supporting characters. Here are the headlines from the five magazines that focused on Wills'N'Kate.

• People: William and Catherine Love Reigns!
  72-Page Royal Wedding Album
• OK!: William & Kate: Happily ever after
• In Touch:Secrets of the $60 million wedding
• Weekly Life & Style: Honeymoon on hold Baby on the way
• Us Weekly: Kate's Fairy Tale Wedding
  all the stunning photos
  Will's sweet words at the altar
  behind the scenes with Harry & Pippa
  Inside the private parties

It's too early to tell, but if a new gossip star is born from all this, it could be Kate's sister Pippa.

Meanest Story nominee: Prince Harry's wild gay party.

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 March 2011

Prince Harry is more or less the forgotten royal family member these days, so the Globe shows the young man a little attention by starting a relatively new rumor that he's a big old gay boy. Of course, they also have to say that this rumor will rock the royal wedding.

You know, the one Harry is only peripherally involved in as the planner of the bachelor party?

This gets a Meanest Story nomination.

Love Bird Alert™:Prince Harry's "secret affair" with D.C. Housewife

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 10 January 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The low rent Examiner is finally getting around to publishing the story that years ago, Prince Harry had a "secret affair" with Catherine Ommanney, one of the stars of The Real Housewives of D.C. The thing is, this woman has been blabbing about this to anyone who will listen for quite some time. Sometimes the story is that they had a necking session once at a party and sometimes it changes to a full blown affair with Harry sending his private car for her to whisk her off on illicit trysts.

Yet again, the definition of the word "secret" is hard to pin down in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, but apparently, things can still be "secret" if you only say them on basic cable.

Where's the Party At? Alert:Prince Harry in charge of Will's bachelor party

Publication: In Touch
Date: 13 December 2010

In Touch reports what has been reported elsewhere, that Prince Harry will be in charge of Prince William's bachelor party.

I see no way this cleverly planned move can fail.

Just in case Harry runs out of ideas as to how best embarrass all his blood relatives for decades to come, he decided the entertainment should be provided by Snoop Dogg.

A quick word of advice to England. Lock up your daughters and lock up your liquor cabinets, but use different locks.

That is all. You're welcome.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Wills and Kate Wedding special!

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 December 2010

Wills'N'Kate-Mania has begun in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and it will likely last at least until the wedding. Whether this will make the Young Royals as important to the gossip rags as Kendra or Kim or, dare I say it, BrAngelina, time will tell.

OK!, friendly but too cheeky buggers that they are, now calls themselves "the official magazine of the Royals". I'll believe this is true when Queen Elizabeth II comes to Oakland, knocks on my apartment door and shows me the signed document and another sample of her handwriting.

The details on the cover this week from OK! include:

• Kate picked the church
• Will's brother Harry is delighted
• Their secret honeymoon
• Her tribute to Diana

While I don't know for sure exactly how popular Wills'N'Kate will get in the gossip rags, if this week's stories are any indication, Princess Diana is going to surpass Gary Coleman as Most Popular Dead Person for the supermarket magazines very quickly, probably before Christmas.

You So Crazy Alert™:Prince Harry's partying embarrasses family

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 18 October 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! According to Weekly Life & Style, the Royal Family is embarrassed by Prince Harry's carrying on.

Really? This Royal Family? The one that includes his dad and his great-aunt Margaret? They can still be embarrassed? Do they have the collective memory span of gnats?

Love Bird Alert™:What Prince Harry did four years ago, according to some reality TV slut

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 23 August 2010

The tabloids care about Prince Harry's love life? American tabloids?

Well, sort of. A woman named Catherine Ommanney, who is on one of those reality TV shows I promised not to mention, the ones with the word Housewives in the title, says that she and Prince Harry snogged four years ago for one evening, even though he was supposed to be in a relationship at the time. He was 21 at the time and she was 35, so that means she's a cougar!

So Commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive gets to say she told me so next time she pops in. I am not going to include the people on this TV show in my blog unless they do something with a real celebrated person like Prince Harry and I'm not giving Ms. Ommanney a label.

Standards must be maintained.