Bun In The Oven Alert™: A girl for Beyonce!

Publication: In Touch

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

 

In Touch tells use that Beyoncé, who is definitely pregnant, has determined the baby is a girl.

 

Everybody in the world hopes the baby favors her mama.

 

Just sayin'.

No Bun in the oven alert™: Beyonce's pregnancy a hoax?

Publication: Star
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

There is no nicer story in the gossip rags than a happily married celebrity having a child, but Star is doing everything they can to piss in Beyoncé's punch bowl, so to speak. Last month, they wrote Jay-Z had a secret love child. In this month's "exclusive", some family member says Beyoncé is not actually pregnant.

On the Rocks alert and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Jay-Z's secret love child.

Publication: Star

Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Jay-Z!  While his bride Beyoncé get mentioned on the cover of a supermarket rag every two months or so on average, This is the multi-platinum rapper's first story in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

 

And it's not an auspicious beginning. In an exclusive story, Star says Jay-Z is the father of a love child and this is a "shock" for his newly pregnant wife.

Bun in the oven alert™: Beyonce's pregnancy news.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, OK!

Date: 12 Sept. 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! Since Beyoncé's confirmation of pregnancy happened on Sunday, there was plenty of time for the gossip rags to get the story in this week's edition and three decided to put her on the cover. Here are the headlines.

• People: Beyoncé pregnant!
• Weekly Life & Style: Beyoncé four months pregnant
• OK!: Beyoncé: baby news!
  
  

Best wishes to all concerned.

Breaking news: Beyonce is pregnant.

Publication: Justjared.com

Date: 28 August 2011



Beyoncé Knowles, low flying angel and wife of the rapper Jay-Z, showed up on the red carpet on the MTV Video Music Awards this evening with an obvious baby bump, and her representative has confirmed she is pregnant with her first child.



There have been a couple rumors of pregnancy for her in the past few years, but the most recent was ten months ago, so I'm going to say that one is now officially a lie.



Best wishes to all involved.

False advertising alert: How to get Beyoncé's rockin' body!

Publication: People

Date: 15 August 2011



People says they can tell their readers how to get Beyoncé's rockin' body.



At least some of People's readers are male, so this offer likely does not apply to them. And for some very large percentage of the female readership, even in top physical condition, your body and Beyoncé's may not be close to equivalent.



Just sayin'.

Enboobening Alert™: Beyonce's new boobs!

Publication: Star
Date: 16 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Star goes with a cover story that Beyoncé Knowles has new set of store bought boobs. These rumors have been around for at least six years, and the picture above was one of the causes of a speculation in 2006.

She wears a lot of outfits with push-up bras and other support. These days, of course it's possible, but color me unconvinced.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Beyoncé's surprise pregnancy

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 1 November 2010

As gossip news goes, the front page report in Us Weekly that Beyoncé Knowles was pregnant was the big story of the week. I looked around the Internet and it was on all the websites that care about this stuff. I also saw a denial from Beyoncé's mom, and Beyoncé is the kind of sweet kid who would tell her mom, so this is yet another false alarm, like the one in mediatakeout.com back in the spring.

I don't cover the hip-hop magazines, but they are just as much about gossip as the supermarket rags. One reason the singer/actress/low flying angel is still without child is that her husband Jay-Z is too busy have a feud with Hammer.

Yes, that Hammer! MC Hammer! Former ball boy for the Oakland A's! That guy.

Apparently, Jay-Z has 99 problems and being a jackass is at least 17 of them.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Bikini body secrets

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 July 2010

More stories about how to look like famously attractive people while wearing very little clothing.

Beyoncé knows how to burn calories while she sleeps.

Actually, we all do. If you want to burn a lot of calories while you sleep, I recommend a short term illness like influenza.

Cameron Diaz beats ab flab. It helps if you have a lot of free time to exercise and you are serious about training. Being paid jillions of dollars to look good increases the seriousness of most people.

Kristin Cavallari knows a new way to lose ten pounds. Most of the young women who get featured in these pictures never gained ten pounds after they stopped growing at the age of sixteen or so.

There was also a picture of some woman from one of the Housewives show, but that is a line I will not cross.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Beyoncé diet tricks

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 21 June 2010

Beyoncé Knowles is not a stranger to the tabloid covers, but she hasn't put herself into a lot of crazy situations the supermarket rags love. She doesn't get into fights in clubs, she has a long term boyfriend, even if her weight fluctuates a little, it's just a little.

Two weeks ago, Weekly Life & Style ran a story that said Beyoncé didn't like how she looked in a swimsuit. This week they give her diet tips.

Why? 'Cause she's foine and they know it.

Damn You Fat Alert™:Women who don't like how they look in swimwear

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 7 June 2010

The supermarket rags need to tell you about famous people who get fat as well as those who seem to live in some odd time bubble where they always look better this week than they did last week.

Beyoncé doesn't like how she looks in swimwear. Personally, I've seen a lot of pictures of Beyoncé and she looks pretty damn foine in even the least flattering.

Mariah Carey is also experiencing bikini panic. I have seen pictures of Ms. Carey that are not particularly flattering.

This might have something to do with Beyoncé being 28 years old and Mariah being 40. Another theory is that Ms. Carey is addicted to products made by the Li'l Debbie corporation.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Star's best and worst beach bodies.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 24 May 2010

For one of those covers of "Here's a lot of famous people in bathing suits", this story is remarkably positive in tone. Here's the people who look good at the beach, with accompanying pictures.

• Heidi Klum
• Kim Kardashian
• Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian
• Kelly Osbourne
• Audrina Patridge

Here's the list of people who look bad.

• Mariska Hargitay (she has a belly)
• Beyoncé (they didn't like her swimsuit)
  

Inside there are a total of 46. I didn't open the magazine up, as per my usual policy.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:The National Enquirer rags on many celebrities for not being perfect, except for one.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 17 May 2010

The Flagship has one of those cover stories with a bunch of pictures of celebrities, in this case all female, where the magazine rags on their flaws. Almost everyone is too skinny or too fat, but one woman is considered nearly perfect. There are a couple of "guess who?" pictures, but I hate those so I didn't open the rag to find out and I make it a point not to do so in these circumstances. Here the people who had names attached to their pictures.

Way too skinny: Nicole Kidman, Lindsay Lohan
Scary muscles: Madonna
Way too fat: Queen Latifah, Mariah Carey
Just about perfect: Beyoncé Knowles

Completely Vague Title Alert:Hollywood housekeepers tell all!

Publication: Star
Date: 17 May 2010

Star magazine gives away how the tabloids work this week on the cover. They get a lot of their stuff from housekeepers of famous people.

Yes, the people who pick up crap and get paid crap supplement their crappy salaries by telling crap to crap magazines.

The people who get trash said about them by people who take out their trash are Tori Spelling, George Clooney, Kate Gosselin, Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. The cover also had that cutesy trick of not saying anything specific about anyone, just asking "Who's a hoarder?" and "Who's a cross dresser?"

If you wanna know, buy the magazine your own self.

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:Beyoncé is expecting

Publication: mediatakeout.com

Date: 25 Mar. 2010

One of the online gossip sources says that singer/actress/low flying angel Beyoncé Knowles is pregnant for the first time. Her publicist denies it.

Matty Boy, is this just a cheap ploy to put a picture of Beyoncé on the blog?

Hypothetical question asker, how dare you use her name and the word cheap in the same sentence. I will now express sham outrage at nearly Republican levels.

Hypothetical question asker calls Beyoncé cheap! When will he apologize to her AND to the American people? Shame, I say, shame!