Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kelly calls Christina fat!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

When we get a headline like "Kelly calls Christina fat!" it helps to have pictures. Too many Kellys and Christina's on the field, don'tcha know.

The Kelly is the rudest Kelly, Kelly Osbourne.

The Christina is Christina Aguilera, who doesn't currently look as good as this.

Bad Help Alert: Celebrity extreme makeover, stylists tell all.

Publication: Star

Date: 15 August 2011



Star has a cover story about celebrity makeovers. One celebrity is Megan Fox, whose career is foundering since she decided she didn't like being an adolescent sex fantasy directed by the ridiculous hack director Michael Bay.

The other is Kelly Osbourne, whose career arc is completely unknown to me.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Kelly Osbourne's amazing makeover.

Publication: OK!
Date: 21 March 2011

Kelly Osbourne has lost a lot of weight. OK! wants you to know about that. This is a good thing for Ms. Osbourne's chances in show biz and her self esteem in general.

Congratulations to her.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Kelly Osbourne's bikini body

Publication: Star
Date: 29 November 2010

As I have written before, the nicest thing that can be written about a person in a gossip rag is that they look good wearing very little clothing. The Star says Kelly Osbourne looks good in a bikini, and this picture on the cover of Shape would seem to confirm that, depending on how Photoshopped it is.

The Star is not as mean as the Three Wicked Step Sisters, but they are the meanest of the remaining seven supermarket rags so far this year. Their stories this week bucked that trend in a big way, especially this one and their story that Michael Douglas may be on the mend.

Demon Drugs Alert™:Kelly Osbourne's drug hell

Publication: Star
Date: 22 November 2010

This is the fifth cover story in the tabloids this year for Kelly Osbourne. Every other story has been about the weight she took off. This one is about the 100 pills a day she used to consume. The headline reads "my drug hell", so it sounds like she actually spoke to someone at the Star, which is never a good idea.

If she's stopped doing that, good for her.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Formerly fat celebrities keep the weight off

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 October 2010

Kelly Osborne got some positive mentions in the supermarket rags for losing weight, and now they also give her kudos for her "secrets" for keeping the weight off.

Here's a "secret". Remember how much you used to eat? You can't eat that much anymore, no matter how much you might want to.

Us Weekly also includes a picture of Jennifer Hudson on the cover, another celebrity who lost a lot of weight and has kept it off so far.

Completely Vague Title Alert:Kelly's Osbourne's revenge on ex

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 2 August 2010

Usually, "revenge" in the supermarket rags means she's lost weight and he isn't getting any anymore, so nyah, nyah, NYAH!

In her case, it could mean she sent her parents to live at his house. That would count as revenge as well.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Star's best and worst beach bodies.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 24 May 2010

For one of those covers of "Here's a lot of famous people in bathing suits", this story is remarkably positive in tone. Here's the people who look good at the beach, with accompanying pictures.

• Heidi Klum
• Kim Kardashian
• Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian
• Kelly Osbourne
• Audrina Patridge

Here's the list of people who look bad.

• Mariska Hargitay (she has a belly)
• Beyoncé (they didn't like her swimsuit)
  

Inside there are a total of 46. I didn't open the magazine up, as per my usual policy.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Kelly Osbourne loses 42 pounds

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 8 Mar. 2010

Kelly Osbourne, daughter of Ozzie, has trimmed down considerably, losing 42 pounds (19 kg), which is quite a lot for anyone and most especially for someone 5'2" (1 m 57).

Among the quotes attributed to Ms. Osbourne is that it is worse to be fat than to be on drugs, and she'd rather be called ugly than fat.

This girl has got to stop hanging out with Amy Winehouse.