Bun in the Oven Alert™: The positive stories about the pregnancy of Kate Middleton.

Publications: Globe, In Touch, Us Weekly

Date: 28 Nov. 2011

It has now been eight months since the first rumor of Kate Middleton being pregnant was on a cover of an American supermarket rag.  Some magazines are still printing it like it's a widely acknowledged fact and others speak of it as a future event.  Here are the nicest headlines about it this week, with the nastiest being saved for the Meanest Story of the Week competition.

• Globe: Camilla stuns pregnant Kate
  I don't want to be queen!
  Shocking reason Camilla accepted defeat
• In Touch: Kate's six weeks pregnant
  A royal baby!
  How the happy & relieved princess is getting ready: 3 nurseries, a $1 million push present & the baby's name!
  Plus: her crazy cravings
• Us: Will & Kate: Ready for baby
  She wants a boy - and a girl!
  Kate prepares to be a mom as Will's overseas duty puts their new marriage to the test

I'll believe she's pregnant when it's published in People or some other legitimate source. When she gives birth, I'll do the backward countdown to see which of the many rumored pregnancy starts deserves a scoop of the week label.

Who is pregnant and who is just fat!

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

OK! is one of the mags who is claiming Jessica Simpson is pregnant, and they had a sub-headline this week stating "Who is pregnant and who is just fat!" The three women on the cover were Christina Aguilera, Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas and Holly Madison, pictured above.

No Bun in the oven alert™: Beyonce's pregnancy a hoax?

Publication: Star
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

There is no nicer story in the gossip rags than a happily married celebrity having a child, but Star is doing everything they can to piss in Beyoncé's punch bowl, so to speak. Last month, they wrote Jay-Z had a secret love child. In this month's "exclusive", some family member says Beyoncé is not actually pregnant.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Inside Khloe's baby struggle.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There's quite a struggle for the tenth spot of this year's Top Ten right now and Khloe Kardashian's name gets added to the list as a contender with this story about her difficulties in getting pregnant.

Meanest story nominee: Kate's miscarriage drama!

Publication: Globe

Date: 22 August 2011



We have already had several rumors about Kate Middleton being pregnant, so the Globe ups the ante with one about her having a miscarriage. The Globe claims a "world exclusive" and tells us William has rushed to her side. He does that a lot.



It's easy to have world exclusives when you are just making stuff up.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Wills'N'Kate in The New World.

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Now that the young royals are on this side of the Atlantic, the American gossip rags are all over the story. People mentioned only Kate, but three other mags mentioned the couple. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kate & William American Vacation album
• Globe: William & Kate baby drama
  Too thin royal bride's secret visit to a U.S. fertility clinic -Palace insiders reveal
• Us Weekly: Kate & Will's photo diary
  Secrets of the Royal Visits
  Kate brought 40 outfits!
  Their intimate date - in a log cabin
  She's talking about a baby!

The Globe can't help but be negative, while all the rest of the coverage has been glowing.

Stay classy, Globe!

Meanest Story nominee: Angelina's miscarriage drama!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 June 2011

Last week, the Enquirer won the Meanest Story of the Week vote hands down writing that Angelina was anorexic, weighed 99 pounds and was hooked on heroin. This week, they go with a story that may be even worse about the favorite topic of the gossip rags, that she had a miscarriage. Here are the headlines.

• The secret they're hiding
• Brad finds her on the floor covered in blood
• She begs him: "Save our baby!"
• Pregnancy dream shattered as weight continues to drop
  

Because of the gruesome details, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby! Again.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 30 May 2011

Often, when a story is a repeat of something some gossip rag has already said, I don't make it a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, but this one is an exception for two reasons. The last time this rumor was reported, it won as Meanest Story of the Week, and more notably, the story has migrated from the AMI kennel to the gossip rags that are generally nicer and at least a little more reliable. Here are the headlines.

• Will & Kate's baby heartbreak
• Royal doctor confirms: She can't get pregnant
• The devastating news rocks their marriage
• plus: why they can't adopt

Best wishes to the happy couple. I'm not much for predictions, but I predict that by the end of 2012 at the latest, this story will have been proven false.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 23 May 2011

The Star goes with the headline "Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama!"

Easy rule of thumb. Any time the word drama is used on a gossip rag cover, nothing is actually happening. She's not getting married any time soon and she's not pregnant.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Angelina talks adoption.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 23 May 2011

Angelina Jolie maintains her position as The True Queen Of All Gossip and Defender Of The Faith, or some such thing. She actually doesn't talk to the magazines much, but Weekly Life & Style says they have her talking about adoption, a subject she should know a thing or two about by now.

Non scoop of the week! Katie Holmes is pregnant with her second child.

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! OK!, easily the nicest but hardly the most reliable of the gossip rags, goes big with the story that Katie Holmes is pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Katie: It's official!
• "Yes, I'm pregnant!"
• A telltale bump, prenatal vitamins - now she tells friends:
• Suri will finally be a big sister

Representatives for Ms. Holmes have already denied the story. This is the fifth story of her being pregnant in the last year and a half.

Note that Star magazine lied about Katie Holmes, she sued them and they settled out of court for a loss, having to apologize and pay. The important difference between that lie and this lie is that Star implied Katie was a drug addict, and drug addicts find it hard to get work. OK! is lying about a pregnancy, and having kids is not a barrier to employment, so I don't expect the lawyers to give OK! a call, even though they got this one wrong.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby!

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

As should be expected, this blog is getting a lot of visits right now from people interested in today's royal wedding. Besides this being the happiest day of her life, Kate Middleton is also entered in competition for Meanest Story of the Week.

The tabloids have already floated the rumor that she is getting married pregnant, which is really unlikely if you've seen any recent pictures of her. Now, the Globe is going with a story that she can't get pregnant and calling it a "royal shocker"!

If it was true, this would be much worse news than her going down the aisle to marry a future king with a future king inside her. But this is the Globe, so wondering about the validity of the story is a really big IF.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bun In The Oven Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Yet more drama about the ovaries of the rich and famous.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 April 2011

The headline reads BABY DRAMA! and it tells three very different stories.

1. Khloe: heartbroken over not getting pregnant

If you are going to have a multiple baby drama story on the cover of a supermarket rag, it's nearly required one of the stories will be about a Kardashian.

2. Britney: Baby #3 on the way

This story has been denied.

3. Kim Zolciak: Attacked by NeNe, "I fear for my baby"

From what I hear from commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive, NeNe is pretty damned scary.

Three month review for Spring 2011, part two: Birth predictions.

Unlike death predictions, saying some woman is pregnant has no promise that it must come true eventually. Let's look at the pregnancy rumors in the supermarket rags from six to nine months ago, July through September 2011, all of which should be verifiable by now.

The actually pregnant: Kelly Preston and Christina Applegate have already given birth. Mariah Carey has confirmed she is expecting twins soon. Even though the Three Wicked Step Sisters made all kinds of wild claims about Preston's pregnancy, let's count this as three correct.

The not pregnant: Kim Kardashian, Chelsea Clinton, Katie Holmes, Carrie Underwood, Ellen DeGeneres, Kourtney Kardashian, Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie. Let's stipulate that Ellen's pregnancy was a silly story from a psychic and Katie has been called pregnant when she played a pregnant Jackie Kennedy in a mini-series, but when the tally is taken, it's three right and eight wrong for a .273 batting average. If this were hitting a major league baseball, that wouldn't be so bad, but this is about journalism, when you are really expected to bat 1.000 or have a damn good reason why not.

Tomorrow: popularity and the naughty vs. nice tally.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin's worst nightmare... Todd's love child!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 April 2011

Last January, the Enquirer went with a story from an Alaskan massage therapist that she slept with Todd Palin. The story failed to gain much traction, but the Enquirer is nothing if not persistent. They now says that Sarah Plain's worst nightmare would be Todd fathering a child out of wedlock.

The headline is kind of vague and they don't promise pictures of the alleged child or mom, so I expect the story is just more Enquirer bullshit. This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Bun In The Oven Alert™? :Jen's big baby news confirmed!

Publication: OK!
Date: 21 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If there was a contest for the most gossip-worthy organs in Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston's ovaries would likely be in first place, even more worthy of speculation than Charlie Sheen's liver or brain. The sub-headlines read:

• A Baby on my own!
• "It's a done deal!"
  
• Jen shocks friends on her European tour by revealing she's finally going to be a mom

Of course, it might not be her ovaries. She could be Pulling a Bullock and adopting, which was the story in late January when Star plastered her picture all over the cover.

You can pick up OK! yourself to find out if she's preggers or adopting, but it really doesn't matter. The story in January was denied and this one is being denied as well.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Paris Hilton is ready for a baby.

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 March 2011

It's easy to think of Paris Hilton as the top gossip girl, but she's really yesterday's news as far as The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are concerned. It's not that she's too old, it's that she isn't on TV. She has had less cover stories than Nicole Richie has had since the beginning of 2010, 10 to 8, and both of them pale in comparison to any random Kardashian family member.

When I say she's not too old, she's turning 30, exactly the same age as Kim K., and like Kim K., she says she's ready for a baby. Paris may have a regular boyfriend, I don't even know. It hasn't been in the gossip rags, so I haven't been paying attention.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Khloe talks about "Our baby struggle"

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 7 March 2011

Us Weekly has a story about Khloe Kardashian and "our baby struggle", which means hubby Lamar Odom is tangentially involved, though he is not pictured on the cover.

No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim K. denies pregnancy rumors

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 March 2011

OK! is not the most reliable supermarket checkout rag by a long shot, but when they say that Kim Kardashian is denying she's pregnant, I am inclined to believe both her and OK!

Okay?

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Hank and Kendra having a baby

Publication: OK!
Date: 21 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! But whenever it's about Kendra Wilkinson, it seems a little stale.

She's always supposed to be an inch away from dumping her husband Hank Baskett, but OK! tells us they are actually ever so happy and going to have baby #2. Their love is stronger than ever, little Hank Jr. will be the best big brother ever, and there are private photos of them inside the magazine, though I think Kendra has a serious difficulty defining the word "private", and not just because she's stone stupid.

And as is often the case with OK!, the story is just made up garbage. She is not actually pregnant, and God only knows if she really wants to be again and if she does feel that way, how she will feel tomorrow.