I feel about Teen Mom the way Jan Brady felt about Marcia.

Publications: In Touch, OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Teen Mom nonsense abides. I report with no further comment.

• OK!: Maci & Kyle Split: She's still in loved with Ryan
• In Touch: Teen Mom dating disasters!
  In love with cheaters, druggies and a killer!
  Leah: Since Corey left, she's hooking up with three different guys!
  Farrah: Can't stop crying over new violent bad boy
  Maci: Wedding on hold! Why her ex Ryan is to blame
  
  

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way. Because there's a boat load this week.

Publications: In Touch, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If you have been to this blog before, you know how I feel about Teen Mom. It would be nearly impossible for me to be clearer, though I will take a shot at the end of this post. But at the beginning of the year, I promised that any story on the cover of any magazine that mentioned someone or made a verifiable (or falsifiable) prediction would get a mention on this blog.

About the only thing I leave out are health tips and horoscopes on the cover of the Sun.

So here are the headlines, three on the different mags and with three different Teen Moms in focus.

• In Touch: Teen Mom ruined our lives (pictures of Farrah Abraham and Maci Bookout)
  anorexia, addiction and abuse
  living on cigarettes and popcorn to lose weight
  downing pills to mask the pain
  "bribed" to stay on the show
• Us Weekly: I want Kyle's Baby (Maci Bookout)
• OK!: Leah: a new man and a new child

I know I shouldn't harp on this stuff or I will just give myself an aneurysm, but the "bribe" to stay on the show is that these stupid girls - and they are still girls - are being paid the princely sum of $280,000 a season to have their stupid lives turned into fish bowls.

That's an obscene amount of money to pay some little bimbo for the mistake of having a baby before she graduates high school. (And yes, Bristol Palin gets included in this tirade as well, even though MTV isn't paying her.) No defense MTV makes for this show carries a milligram of weight, and the gossip rags that keep printing this shit are equally as guilty.

In a world that makes sense, people wouldn't watch this crap and magazines wouldn't write about it.

Getting the inevitable Teen Mom stuff out of the way yet again.

Publication: OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

Teen Mom, or as i like to call it, The Plague That Did Not Pass Over, gets more ink on the cover of OK! this week. Here are the headlines.

• Maci: I'm finally a bride
  Excited Maci exclaims, "This is the happiest day of my life!"
  Leah gets custody of the twins

Love Bird Alert™: Teen Mom Leah dating her ex's friend

Publication: In Touch

Date: 6 June 2011

Regular readers will know that I consider Teen Mom the plague that did not pass over. Thankfully, there is only one story about these stupid young women on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, a story about Leah dating the ex of a friend of hers.

Unless there is some flurry of stories about real celebrities, with Arnold and Maria are the best candidates currently, some Teen Mom is very likely to be in the top ten celebrities for 2011 for the foreseeable future.

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way early.

Publication: OK!
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The good news is that only one gossip rag has Teen Mom crap on their cover this week. The bad news is that we can't get rid of this plague, which among reality TV shows is only surpassed by Dancing With The Stars for interest from the Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

I don't watch Dancing With The Stars, but at least I understand how someone could watch it. This show's appeal mystifies me completely. Anyway, here are the headlines.

• Leah's shock: Another Teen Mom Baby
  exclusive interview
  PLUS Corey starts a second family with a new woman and child
  Jenelle's rehab diary: "It's a nightmare."
  

Bun in the oven alert™?: Teen Mom Leah's pregnancy shocker!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 9 May 2011

One good result of all the royal wedding coverage is less space on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter for Teen Mom. Over the past eight weeks, there have been at least two Teen Mom stories per week in the supermarket rags, but this week only one, a "pregnancy shocker" involving Leah Messer.

Readers should be advised that the words "shocker" and "drama" on the cover quite often mean the story inside is the opposite of what you expect.

Again with the Teen Mom crap. Like a baby's diaper, it's never over.

Publications: OK!, Us Weekly, In Touch
Date: 2 May 2011

Some day, the long national nightmare that is MTV's Teen Mom will end.

Today is not that day.

Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Leah & Corey: Fight for the twins
  The explosive secrets that will decide custody
  Leah catches Corey in the act
  Out-of-control partying
  The attack she just can't forgive
  Kailyn Maci Catelynn: Three Teen Mom weddings
• In Touch: Corey hits Leah! Now, terrified, she demands full custody
  Jenelle abandons Jace to bail out her drug addict boyfriend
• Us Weekly: Corey's betrayal
  
  

Did I ever say how much I hate the concept and execution of this show? I think I did.

All the entirely too much Teen Mom dish for 25 April.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 25 April 2011

As should be clear by now, there is no cure for Teen Mom. It is a sexually transmitted disease like herpes or HIV and there's nothing we can do about it. Here are the three supermarket rag headlines about these awful people and their awful problems.

• OK!: Leah dumped by Corey and he's taking the twins
  A fight of money and a bigger house was the final straw - now he's filing for divorce
• In Touch: Leah splits with Corey! Catches him taking the money for Ali's medical bills to buy a new truck!
  Maci's getting married (some guy named Kyle)
• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom Jenelle: Baby # 2 for fame
  

All the Teen Mom dish for 18 April.

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 18 April 2011

If you want proof that the prayers of unbelievers don't work, I submit for your approval that Teen Mom is still on the air and The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are still obsessed with the show. When I instituted the policy that reality TV shows would get mentioned whether I liked them or not, I thought I was going to be hip deep in Jersey Shore, and commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive thought it would be Real Housewives 24/7.

There has been one mention of Snooki, nine stories about the Housewives and this is the 23rd story with the label Teen Mom.

Well, let's get it over with.

• OK!: (pictures of Jenelle and Leah) Who's pregnant with triplets!
  Who's hoping another baby will save their relationship
  PLUS: Amber and Gary reunite
• In Touch: (pictures of Leah and Kailyn) Leah's miracle - baby Ali's first steps
  Kailyn's pregnancy scare

All the Teen Mom dish for 11 April.

Publications: Star, OK!, In Touch
Date: 11 April 2011

There are a lot of reality shows on a lot of channels, but there are only a handful that the supermarket rags cannot leave alone: The Kardashians, Kendra, Dancing With The Stars, The Bachelor and Teen Mom. There is an occasional mention of American False Idol, and a scattershot of Real Housewives, but the five mentioned above are the ones that show up regularly, week in and week out. This week, there are three stories about the Teen Mom cast, and I post all of them here.

• OK!: Teen Mom catfights and drama
• In Touch: Teen moms addicted to surgery - implants, lipo and nose jobs!
  How Jenelle, Leah and Maci are falling victim to the pressures of fame
  Plus: Amber's $50,000 nip/tuck
• Star: Teen Mom brawl Jenelle and Brittany
  punching, scratching, biting

Obligatory Teen Mom post for 4 April 2011.

Publications: OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 4 April 2011

Two different stories on two covers about two Teen Moms this week, but I'm only going to give one post about it.

• OK!: Teen Mom Maci and Gary hook up
• Us Weekly: Leah and Corey's wedding
  The couple opens up about their fear of marrying too young and how they know they will make it.

This blog has a pro-love policy, but for this show, I'm willing to make an exception. I have no stake or interest in the happiness of these people at all.

All the Teen Mom mess in one hard to swallow dose.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 March 2011

New rule. I will report on all Teen Mom stories that show up in the gossip rags, but I will no longer hunt for pictures of these young women or their unfortunate offspring. Also, no matter how many cover stories involve the "stars" of the show, there's only the one post a week.

Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom exclusive: more babies on the way
  After twins, a baby boy for Leah
  Chelsea's shock over another baby
  Are they having kids for fame?
• OK!: Jenelle Shocker: Jace has a brother

I hope MTV puts out a big press release when this show is canceled, because when I find out, I'm going to throw a party.

Even more bad life decisions from the cast of Teen Mom.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 21 March 2011

Yet again, In Touch and Weekly Life & Style, both owned by Bauer Publishing out of Germany and allegedly having different editorial outlooks, put very similar stories on their covers in the same week, the only stories this week about that blight on civilization that even Commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive won't watch, Teen Mom. To be fair, the stories are different, but in my mind, every story about that show is the same.

It's one story too many.

Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Kailyn (Lowry) gets a proposal from Jordan
  After 5 months of marriage, Leah (Messer) makes a painful decision
• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom Chelsea (Houska) heartbroken and alone
  

Teen Mom Leah's double life.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 March 2011

This week, In Touch gives us a double dose of Teen Mom awfulness. Leah Messer is living a double life, but as you might imagine, in her case they are both kind of squalid and tacky. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Caught seeing another man!
• Feeling trapped in her marriage, Leah is torn between Corey and a bad-boy named Seth

I would love for this to be the last spasm of coverage of the whole Teen Mom phenomenon in the supermarket rags. I'd also love to see Qaddafi step down peacefully and Wisconsin state workers get to keep their collective bargaining rights, but all three of those hopes look to be long shots.

Love Bird Alert™:How Corey and Leah fell back in love.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 14 February 2011

So here's the lay of the land. The five dogs in the AMI kennel leave the Teen Mom show alone, one of the few points in their favor as far as I'm concerned, and People doesn't cover it that much either. This means only four of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter will tell us about this blight on humanity passing as entertainment.

While that can be counted as the good news, the bad news is that all four of those magazines have a Teen Mom story this week, all of them different.

Us Weekly is the only story with a positive slant, telling us how Corey and Leah fell back in love and how the kids brought them closer together.

You know, the kind of crap you expect to hear from people like Jennifer Lopez.

The magazine promises there is also good news about Ali, Leah's daughter who exhibits disabilities.

On the rocks alert:Teen Mom Leah's cheating scandal

Publication: OK!
Date: 14 February 2011

OK! is usually the nicest of the gossip rags, but this week they buck the trend by telling a story that Teen Mom Leah Messer, who got back together with her baby daddy Corey, is enmeshed in a cheating scandal.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Teen Mom Leah's worst fears come true.

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 February 2011

So this Saturday morning, I decided to hold my nose and print all the headlines from the reality shows I like the least, Teen Mom and The Bachelor. OK! tells us the worst fears of Teen Mom's Leah have come true. This probably refers to the fact one of her twins has been diagnosed with a disability.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Inside Teen Mom Leah's wedding

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 31 January 2011

I don't follow the Teen Mom shows at all, but The Only Ten Magazines That Matter expect that their target demographic is on a first name basis with these people. There are two cover stories about the wedding of Leah (Messer) to her baby daddy Corey (Simms).

• OK! Leah's Wedding: Corey's Change Of Heart
• Weekly Life & Style: Inside Teen Mom Leah's Wedding

The people who produce this show say they don't glamorize teen pregnancy, and the fact that one of Leah's twins has a disability is evidence to that effect. Still, these kids are put on TV, and that alone is some bizarre currency in today's society, and get paid a boatload of cash to boot. Going on this show is like winning some weird lottery no science fiction or fantasy writer could have ever imagined.