Bundle of Joy Alerts: A boy for Kate, a girl for Victoria

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Victoria Beckham had a baby girl, named her Harper Seven. This is her fourth child.

While she and her husband David Beckham are handsome people, I never thought they were good at maths. Fortunately, the silly name is a middle name and can be kept under wraps while at school.

Kate Hudson had a baby boy. Gave him the relatively normal name of Ryder Russell.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: More royal wedding details

Publication: People
Date: 7 March 2011

Yet another story about the upcoming royal wedding. According to People, Kate is very hands on with the wedding guest list, which they say is already out. One of the sub-headlines reads "How the royal couple are breaking with tradition and making the special day their own."

She inviting some old flames, and among the celebrities asked are David and Victoria Beckham and Kanye West(!?!).

I supposed this means Taylor Swift will not be invited.

Bun In The Oven Alerts™:Khloe Kardashian and Victoria Beckham

Publication: OK!
Date: 24 January 2011

Is a Kardashian sister pregnant? According to The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, the probability is never lower than 50% at any given moment. This week, OK!, the nicest of the gossip rags but not the most reliable, says Khloe Kardashian, the Baby Huey of the clan, is heavy with child, though the family has denied it. Part of the speculation is because she is the only woman in this Christmas picture not wearing something slinky. Another cause for speculation is that she and her husband Lamar Odom have been given their own show and unless there is a gimmick, the two of them just don't produce that much drama.

The other woman allegedly expecting is Victoria Beckham, formerly Posh Spice, and her people have confirmed she is pregnant with her fourth child.

As an aside, I have to say in my opinion, Victoria Beckham is absolutely hideous. She is possibly the greatest five tool skank in show business today: Way too skinny, massively obvious fake tits, stunningly tacky fashion sense, super snotty personality and dumb as a bag full of hair.

Oh wait, she has six tools! I almost forgot she can't sing!

I remember the night she and Baby Spice were on The Daily Show at what turned out to be the end of their career and Jon Stewart eviscerated them. It was the meanest I have ever see Stewart be to people who are just entertainers, and they earned every drop of venom.

On the Rocks Alert:David Beckham caught cheating

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 October 2010

David Beckham, the aging British football star who looks like a somewhat younger version of Sting, has had his name bandied about for a while as part of a sex scandal. In Touch has decided Americans are going to care about this story, so they print a bunch of details, including unsafe sex threesomes, a picture of a busty hooker who charges $10,000 a night and a quote from the young lady where she says she understands how he would be unhappy, a shot at Beckham's dull and way too skinny wife Victoria, who used to be Posh Spice back when anyone gave a rat's ass about her career.

The Beckhams aren't just denying the story, they are suing. The thing is, libel laws are different in the U.S. and it's harder to win than it is in the U.K. I can't be sure if anyone explained this to Becks and Posh, and even if someone did, no one can be sure they understood the explanation. Not the brightest bulbs on the tree, that pair.